Too late to say sorry, becoming to comfortable=weight gain, and tomorrow returning back to the old me.

I just placed a ad for a free kitten or two. The cheapest pet you can have that has fur and larger then a hamster. Cat lady in the making? I never had a boyfriend and soon in August will be 26 of age. Just want company where I won’t feel used nor the need to impress like it can be with humans. A dog will require more of my time, maybe barky …..and I don’t want to be exposed now. I mean Im not going to pay 300 deposit right now.

I got comfortable…gainned weight. It was like okI lost x amount of weight it won’t hurt to eat whatever I want for a day….clothes feel tighter….I am now back to I can’t stop binging again 😦  all that work I threw away and tomorrow I will get back to where I was asap….will be hard. I guess I will never be fully cured of my bingeing ways.

 

————————————————

Six days ago the same lady came….

I worked a extra hour and a half at work, close to ten hours. My feet were sore, so I decided to sit near the exit and just rest my feet before I walk the 40 minute walk home. All of a sudden miss judge my hair Christian lady comes and says hey Ebony how are you? The first thought I was was oh shit let me get out of here. Just seeing her made all the pain in my feet go away, I was no longer dragging and needing rest.

As I was standing up, she tried small talk saying how mothers day is coming. I said yup sure is, as she saw me about to leave. She said wait can we talk a little bit?

I said I need to go home I already did my shift. She said please, I said fine I have five minutes. I said ok I can hear you (as I was walking away) she said can you at least look at me? I said did my best turned saw her and said ok were down to four minutes.

She then goes I see that I hurt you…..

My first thought is she knows Im nice, all races at my job wear fake hair all over or add on and some don’t. Im not stupid because OTHER black girls who have fake hair in….why didn’t she tell them to stop wearing it? She knew they would of gotten her told and her feelings hurt. Shes far from stupid and knew I wouldn’t tell her off. Instead I want her not to speak to me its done.

I then told her I am American.

We live in America.

I can do whatever I want to myself and MY body in this country. Its my life and I have the freedom to do what I want. Her face was frozen, she couldn’t say a word since I was right!

She couldn’t go on about being a plain jane such as herself (a guys ideal if she was smaller)

nope I was born here and these are my rights just like she has the right to look like Florida Evens I have my right to do a Beyonce.

 

Im not trying to be simple, and I want to be so skinny, so perfect in my eyes, Im not for average, plain , be yourself trip of what others think being yourself is. I am being myself, but it doesn’t fit the ideal of being yourself.

 

I can’t believe I let myself go like this…….

I need to lose 100 pounds I keep thinking and maybe some.

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