Pt2 of being black with added hair and ignoring those…, weight loss, and envy.

I was thinking to myself how fast people are to judge Arab women and how they can’t feel free to be who they want to be as a woman. YET in my own culture I discover Im not free to do as I please and do what I want with my own body. This dash of blonde has really opened my eyes how serious it can be when it comes to hair within my culture. Its just hair….its just hair fake or not its only hair. Whar if I placed fake armpit hair under my arms? People would think Im crazy, and laugh, but on my head and look good with it. It doesn’t sit well with others.

About four days ago the latino guy with the med size beer gut who came up to me to tell me my hair is tilted. Thinking I would freak out and readjust my hair right in front of him…I never forgot his large grin, thinking he just made the best joke ever. News flash I am wearing what we call sew in! I was shocked here I am only saying good morning in such a cheerful voice, just passing by to complete my work 9am in the morning. And the only thing that can cross your mind is to try to put me down? I been there for a year now and never have I said anything rude to him ever. So when he returned to work he tried to make eye contact, and sing a little all in hopes I say something. I kept on moving ahead treated him like most treated my 300 pound self back in the day invisible.

So for some days he got to see me pass by and not a word between us.

Yesterday the black lady in her late 50’s a woman who I never want to grow up to be like (aka the independent black woman, pro church and lord, boring,and who needs a man?)

She sees me with a co-worker who I was asking a work related question. (Im guessing she felt safe since I was around another employee, not knowing this employee knows what she said to me!

So here she comes in her sometime greeting: HEY HEY HEEEEY!

My first thought was ok so fat Albert still has fans.

She came up close and started to say : I just wanted to tell you yesterday…

I told her NO! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY HAIR TODAY!

I made sure my voice a rare firm, and its more rare I sound this serious.

She then said well I just wanted to…I turned my back to her and continued with my coworker on how to hang such and such item the correct way.

She then said I just wanted to say your hair is brushed out and it looked nice, she then walked away.

Lies I thought. She knew I was mad at her. I still own the nice girl title, but she pushed it to another level. I had to pay for the hair, pay for it to be placed in (which is way cheaper then caring for my natural hair daily and since wearing sew ins….my hair is slightly pass my neck now! Most so called natural folks don’t have the length I have! fake hair protects my real hair)

Natural to me is washing your hair ONLY with water and air drying inside or outside with sun. No other form of chemicals such as grease, shampoos, hair dye, curly creams ect.

Me and her were never friends. I was just friendly like I am with most. I may have thought wow shes pretty ugly compared to others her age, or wow she is very boring, but did I tell her my opinions of how I feel about her looks or what not? No!

Just think if I by mistake bought all yellow hair, I can hear it now Im trying to deny the fact Im a black woman and trying to be a pokemon.

When I get pedicures and ask for purple polish Im not denying my true toe color either.

Other non black cultures don’t know how good they have it….total freedom to try new things, without someone lurking from around the corner to make them feel bad and make it a racial issue.

So Im done with her and him!

Not all blacks are the same and some blacks seem to struggle with this too. Just like I don’t aim for a large butt and just because you pray for one doesn’t mean I should feel your more right then me.

—————————————————————————————————-

A co-worker…..a THIN co-worker

Im still fat, but a huge difference in treatment compared to then in the past of course.

But still compared to others who I envy or desire to have the same body weight. I am fat.

a co-worker a size 6 black girl, wears dreadlocks, has tom *boy* ways in behavior at times, still wins.

Yesterday….in the hall after a meeting. Two guys who look too cute to be true who are co-workers as well and my type of guys both were joking and teasing her in a friendly way. Both around her small frame. I was looking…I admit with this can’t be happening look! My only comfort was to know shes the average black girl, loves black guys only, must have swag, even though she complains she may as well be a lesbian since the black dude she did like only shows interest in lighter girls (I told her what a great idea! I made sure to sound as sincere as possible being the nice girl I can copy my natural behavior when I really don’t mean it I mean if she goes as a lesbian those guys will no longer focus on her)

She looked at me…I looked at her….time froze.

She smiled at me…she knows I would love the attention of those two! Not the guy who off and on try to catch a glimpse of my rear 😦

It was a unspoken word. I brushed it off and said wow you guys are pretty close you three. We were then passing the candy machine my knees got weak. I wanted to binge, but the desire to be smaller then her and to let her know she can not win over ruled so I ate 300 calories and from 6pm to 12am (no lie) in a fetus position curled up saying I don’t need any food, Im ok…I can do this…woke up four pounds smaller. My mind replayed her smile, the guys eyes who twinkled at the sight of her. One earlier ask me where was she and went on to say her face…she always gives off when shes hiding from work and laughed about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her face is the same, nothing special. Its the same! She smiles, she makes the oh Im tired look, or null look thats it!

I know she knows what I like….and I know what she likes.

These same guys she finds annoying. These same guys are not chasing down the cuter fat girls of their group.

I have a lot of weight to loss still.

But I refuse to lose to her. Her smile and her knowing did it.

 

I still struggle with food a lot of times. Telling myself no…no…no loud enough where just my ears can hear it.

Looking at size 4 clothes and the no man return size 00 and zero.

I have to be skinny for a future relationship that I WANT.

Better clothes and that runway look.

I have to….

 

 

 

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