Im back and my trip to Florida was awful and so is my weight.

I don’t like Texas, I do like Florida. I like Florida because its diverse in races, the beach, and Cubans are there BUT it wasn’t daily like it is in Texas where I hear loud blasting Latin music. I hate loud blasting rap music too, but you can sometimes get what they are saying….still not a fan of rap too racist for me.  Rap mainly now is I hate white men they put us down blah blah blah, I want to have sex with you and all these whores, we gotta get us a white woman, too bad that girl is dark skin she would look better red type of garbage. So maybe I should view the loud Latin music as better? Least I don’t understand anything.

I stick to my Britney spears, Janet Jackson, Jem, and that song sail away type of music, or Korn, Nirvana type of rock.

I left Texas to Florida (for days before the trip!) with thoughts of tons of photos, going out (which is rare of me), meeting a cute guy who at least sees me even at my size, I was so excited! I miss all the Haitian people hearing them, seeing them, I miss the Cubans with their accents, I miss the whites there with their pro tan selves, I miss going to the beach, I miss my family, I miss the island food they sell in florida, I miss the Jamaicans who say tree instead of three (yes they really do), I miss the florida culture of it all. Florida is not perfect, but it is home.

 

On the way there I was able to take my 250 pound self at 5’10 in height and hop on spirit airlines, and buckle with ease! I felt like I was on weight lose cloud nine 🙂 memories…

 

We landed and feeling 50 pounds away from average some what. I saw my mom after almost a year again.

Make a long story short.

I had arguments over my seven year old sister….she is hyper…she does have adhd…..and going back and forth, I had to help I tried so hard! Its like were all adults, my mom had another child later in life, she is disable going back to school, my other sister didn’t want to be bothered….at the end no matter what I said, or tried to get her excited about education, or throw a threat at her like I will turn off sponge bob …she refused to do her homework, anything! After 12 days I now get why no one wants to be bothered too much. My mom at the end talked more clam, I told her all that yelling back with her does nothing, also I don’t believe in spankings either. My sister when she was 5 threw a high heel at my head, the pointy part got me. I was in such pain I had to sit locked up in the bathroom. I don’t believe in spankings. Just take what she likes away for a moment.

My vacation was more of helping my mom, I did become depressed that she can’t walk like she use to and may have MS, and dealing with my super clean freak grandmother for 12 days! Hearing my little sister scream that she doesn’t want to read, she screamed because I turned the tv off too, I couldn’t sleep. I lacked SLEEP, and you need sleep for your weight too.

My teenage self came back. I found myself BINGING for 12 long days.

I felt my pants get tighter, my joints felt worse, I struggled with standing I felt that heavy! I thought how did I move at this size? I was so use to being big that I never thought anything of it until 50 pounds were off me. I found myself holding on to stuff more just to go upstairs and down. I binged daily and through out the day to the point yes all my hard work went down the drain I hate to admit it I really do. Today 267! At first for the first three days my body fought to stay in its 50’s.

No exercise , just sit and eat. I couldn’t exercise because so and so wanted to use their tv or lap top. My dvds couldn’t go anywhere. In my grandmothers large room things are nicely put where I didn’t see true space to really exercise along with the video.
I never felt so bad in my life! I was ready to go home to be able to sleep, not hearing a demanding toddler, to focus on repairing my weight loss. I came so close to leaving on a earlier flight!

The last two days out of 12 became normal. I got the family together, and we all agreed my sister needs to go to some form of summer camp to give everyone a break. The last two days made me miss my family again. I will live on my own, I could never move back in the same house no matter how much I save. I lived with them all that stress for years of my life, good moments exist too, but the scale…… I can’t become the 312 pound teen again the highest I been ever.

I refused to go out due to the weight gain, my clothes felt tighter, I felt like a failure. Now back to the drawing board. Back to my foods. My mom cooked sweet yams, bbq chicken, smothered pork chops, a large chocolate cake was there too, mac and cheese, and after we all ate that large amount of food in five days, we moved on to fast foods, and bowl after bowl of cereal, my stomach looks like its hanging badly again :(. Nothing wrong with the food if eaten in very small portions along with some form of movement.

All this damage will be fixed in five days. I will be back to my 50’s in five days. Three more days to be 250 exactly.

Im home in my apartment, my dvd player set up, all my work out dvds are ready and so im I.

The end of march I will be a size 16. This trip was a set back a huge one.

Lucky me my boss called me yesterday saying don’t come until Tuesday so before everyone at work can see me at my worse I can repair it by 50 percent.

 

I took the bus in Florida to get sand and shells for the folks of Texas. The bus drives along with beach. Women tanning, men tanning. I tried tanning as a teen and felt I was going to die to the point I put myself in the ER. The sun felt amazing for 5-10 minutes then my body broke out in air bubbles on my stomach…….laying in the sun takes good genes and talent. I then learned of being sun sick. Yes Im considered black, BUT  the sun is not our friends. Sun screen is a blessing.

All those tanning folks, I was ok………………until I saw the thin jogging women…I wasn’t ok. Yes men were jogging, but Im not a man. The women were jogging, pony tails are swooshing, even one had her dogs fur blowing in the wind in their jog 😦

I felt like the fat pine sol lady I became in only 12 days.  All I saw in the reflection of the bus window was a fat brown grizzly girl.

All those women on the beach only went to show off their thin bodies in two pieces.

If it made sense to wear two pieces in stores, school ect they would do so 24/7. Lucky for those of larger sizes its mainly done by the beach.

 

I can fix this.

 

Once you start binging, mentally its hard to stop and slow down. I got back to Texas a day and a half ago. I just got myself together and no longer binging. Yes pretty fast, but I have to be thin! My future husband is out there somewhere!

 

New goal is a size 2.

Some men are saying size 4 is fat! Size 4 is not fat. I will allow myself to be a 2 for a good moment of my life. Then go to a 4.

We will see.

 

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