Archive for March, 2013

I promise you its not the hair……its the weight loss.

March 31, 2013

Happy Easter by the way!

Right now I am sitting on the floor with my lap top on the carpet.

On my wall now hangs my new 7 dollar dry erase board with 820 calories today the time as of now is 1:55pm.

820 calories. My goal is 230 pounds real soon….230 I will feel like a model….for a moment until it hits me that hey Im still large.

I am craving a chocolate bar so bad right now! Guess the benefits of not having a car? It would take me a 20-30 minute walk to the corner store just for that candy! In the past I would walk at 11pm to seven 11 a 20-30 min walk as well just to buy glaze donuts, soda, and other random things just in case….its sad to think in this mini ghetto where people sell drugs at night, and some hooked on drug person taking a risk to buy drugs late at night…my drug was food and just like them my safety was put last. I am still addicted to food….trust me! A manager gave me a piece of her farewell cookie cake….a small piece (she was never my favorite and glad she is leaving).

Yes I did beg for it. All those thin women rushing in for a tiny piece as well. They took a bite or two, gave her a hug and was like omg were going to miss you! When they left a whole large cookie cake was still there!!! It looked like only one human came in for a slice and left. Not five thin women who came, sampled and left!

Once I took that bite….I got weak. I didn’t understand how they could handle all that sugar in one bite and not have a desire for more? I struggled, I thought in my mind ignore large and alone cookie… then I was alone. Alone with this drug of mines. I got weak and rushed on in the back…she had taken it.

I was proud of myself since she did use her HANDS to break me a piece. I ate only the part where her hands didn’t touch. The old me at the job I was fired from. In the cafeteria a obese food server, with large mole on face (not the beauty mark one), dark haired Mexican lady had no gloves on, used her bare hands to pick up my fries and placed it on my plate. I felt grossed out by that….but yet ate it then felt even worse after that I was served like a animal and ate at the speed of one too. So for me to not just eat the whole sample met a lot to me. It shows that I won’t take anything. Next step never taking food out of others hands unless its real I mean real close friend.

That cookie brought on a mini binge once home….but since I don’t have pies and ice creams to binge on Im ok.


My friend got caught up like me. Our hair. Being the former morbidly obese girl and her the former obese girl. (Yes a difference) The next highest step for me would be super morbidly obese.

My friend is now considered overweight. Yes fat to others, but a huge congrats to her ūüôā

Anyway she was like maybe its my hair?

Instantly my mind went back a couple of years ago and then even more way back how we would be upset, and think others were stupid like a former obese christian lady said God sent her a ideal man….um why didn’t he send this ideal man when you were obese why now with a bay watch body?

Or women thinking its how cool they are even though they curse like a man. I have countless stories and the best ones are when the super thin get fat and are shocked their guy wants to leave them ….not her oh so perfect traits of laughter, how she ignores him, or outgoing ways ect. is not going to keep him.

And now almost 6 years later of knowing each other, hours spent at the gym, ignoring her favorites at times or having her favorites, but not a second amount or no special sauce topping. Tells me maybe its her hair?

I was blown away! If it was the hair we would of had some one a long time ago!!!

We always had our hair done, at times we went so called natural on the rare. She always dressed nicely. Just because I am now wearing hair with a slight brown to it, I won’t blame it on the increase of attention! I mean I have done this style before!!!!

I never wear fake nails, but its like I become a size 4 and guys are asking me out left and right. Will I sit there and blame it on the nails I decided to get once a size 4? Its like a woman going blonde and is obese, but loses weight and goes red hair and can she blame the red hair on better treatment? When the blonde lady who is a size 6 been having attention all along?

The little things women do is for us. It makes us feel pretty. I mean like I said before I thought I saw a gay male couple until they got closer it was just a skinny woman wearing mens clothes with cap, no nails, make up ect. with a cute guy. If she was fat and dressed like that ….???

My hair and makeup was all I really had. I had the plus size looking good days too, but with clothes being added…..its like all of me is coming together. Once 200 pounds I desire a 150 dollar shopping spree. Sounds small, but enough for maybe two outfits and a necklace.


size 18 pants falling down, broken scale,learning about thin women clothes,being thin doesn’t mean life is over…EAT, increased male attention,and why someday this blog will be forever removed

March 29, 2013

Im back. I still managed to keep my job after all that drama so far in the past. This March marks a year being there. The longest I been at any job….

Next month going to pay in full, so I can get my blood drawing license.

Today was my second driving lesson and I have mastered not doing wide turns, and my braking is still perfect from the first lesson she taught me how to brake without us both going forward lol.

Life is blah, but decent. I started a another full time job….couldn’t handle working 6am to 2pm then 3pm to 11pm the same day. I quit for that reason and others such as cursing, rude residents. I applied at mc Donalds … I got hired on the spot as part time, but they have to see if they can get me on another day for orientation since I can’t put my real job on hold again. If not can’t take the job.



My pants size 18 are dropping yet the scale is telling me I am gaining :/

People at work are amazed and ask what Im doing yet the scale says Im bigger and shouldn’t be even able to get into my size 18.

My scale had me depressed for a few days and had a greek yogurt with honey and fresh berry binge. Strange yes, but put all that together and you will get its a tasty binge!

I now have to wear a belt with pants aka a 18, I said ok this scale is lying!

My weight unknown. I could be 240, 230? Just don’t know. This coming pay day I will buy a new one to find out. Here I am depressed and yet look smaller to everyone else.


Learning about thin women clothes

Being the former 300 pound girl. I wore large shirts and pants/jeans. I wore short shorts (that went to the knees aka camper shorts) only once when I was like 17. Two girls looked at my legs in disgust and I never wore them again. Im 25 and oddly never threw them away. I guess a part of me wants to put them on again someday and brave it. At 300 they wore kinda tight. I think I can fit them now. Since I work for a high retail store that sells pricey name brand stuff. I mean the shirts for these thin girls are really dresses, they have these odd names for items I never dared looked at due to my size. If I did would only hurt me. I can’t even spell the name of these things. It has always been shirt, jeans the end. Thats why I like my stock team its pants and shirt the end. No dressing up like sales people everyday. I have to learn on top of everything else on thin dressing. I have a idea, but some clothes make zero sense to me. On top of understanding if a guy says hi to me he really means me (not always the case Im still fat, but now…..)


Being thin doesn’t mean never eating again!

There are smart thin girls who make it look like they eat and do nothing, then silly ones who everyone sees that ok thats why she is thin. My friend with HOURS of exercise, and eating under x amount of calories has managed to get a date offer. I told her were still fat girls, but not extreme as before, so go date….but never take it serious. Fat girls are known as a guys best playground. Some stay since it is fun, cool to hang out in, and not bad at all. Some guys see this play ground as a visit and out….nothing serious only to see his face book updated of his found soul mate size 4.

Its ok to date as a plus size person, but don’t have your hopes up too high until he makes it clear he wants you! As a thin girl your hopes can be super high and if he leaves you then yes be shocked and hurt since the chances of that happening as a real slim lady is just about the same as winning the lotto.

My friend worked hard…I mean here I was eating 300-500 calories which is hard, BUT she was eating maybe 600-800 and EXERCISE. She didn’t want to ruin her diet and results with one simple date. I told her the whole point of our weight loss is to GET A DATE then MARRIAGE. I mean I was thinking why lose weight just because? Ok health (yawn), but still!

I told her to exercise like 30 min hardcore before the date to get her body in calorie burning mode. Eat like a fat girl (aka like I want to) order steak, mash potatoes, a drink with calories in it……the thinner you are and the more you eat like a plus size lady…guys love this! They hate a thin date….who eats like she is thin. Twisted yes, but they want Barbie with a appetite.

After date just do 20 min exercise, the next day eat real low to fight off yesterday. Or other means to release food….The end.

Thats another reason why I love pro ana girls they are on it! Notice how some of them take pictures of themselves eating or pretending to bite into some huge burger, or making a video of them eating this large plate of food? They are only fooling the public and once the camera is off that could be it for the whole day, or a hour or two of jogging ect. or better hardly eating the next day.


Increased male attention.

My crush I use to have is..even more talkive. I mean I didn’t have to say good morning to get any talk out of him. The other guy who was nice….but is nicer. I mean he is talking even more to me, the serious guy who see me every morning without a word said hi. I noticed when I did slip up and gain all that shut down! Its like I know people are noticing, I even inspired a co-worker who only saw me and felt she too needed to try. I mean if I can shade some weight so could she right? I got kinda nervous with my former crush I asked him is he ok? He is being too nice. I mean thats not normal….I looked in the mirror and thought oh yea I forgot Im losing weight and carried on. Recently my fav co-worker I saw who i didn’t see in a good moment lost weight! She is white and I recall in the middle of last year this super fat black girl had the nerve to hint to her about weight loss. I was shocked when she changed the subject quickly (this happens to me with my own race…part of me likes to talk about weight loss with others even if Im not losing. Such as a 400 pound black lady cut me off real fast. Just like sports is a guys favorite mines is diet….for life.) I thought ok maybe she has a black boyfriend somewhere and talked her into believing she is trim and almost anorexic with love handles. My race and other races who date black men who do complain about fat women, but will run to one fast!! And make you feel you need even more meat on your already meaty bones.

I was wrong and she looked amazing! I was like how can she come from a culture thats pro slim and vouge……even if she never lost A pound the desire I thought would be there.

Outside of work I get attention. No not homeless men and pant saggers without a cause. Average guys who appear normal. Its not daily, but I see improvement.


This blog is here for now, but not forever.

I will create a another blog in the future just pics of my thin self posing with fries and a double patty whooper. Or french kissing a cupcake in my size 2/4 clothes, or looking sexy into the camera making sure my collar bones are showing, with mini posts about how I eat 2000 calories a day, telling women if a guy don’t like you at a size 16 then leave him! As I hit the gym praying I can burn off yesterdays cupcake so I can look real trim for my future hubby. Taking pictures of me as a new era betty Crocker with a smile, pics of me cleaning with a larger smile…..hey that blog will be linked to my dating ad and will be given to guys interested in me in person! I won’t be a fake either I would really cook and clean for a guy I like! I will even have pics of me in wedding dresses to hint that if you don’t like this pic you can go and LEAVE marriage minded guys only.

My life will be filled with me being thin. Making sure the guests drinks have calories and mines don’t. Making sure to empty a 20 oz mountain dew and fill it with water (no one can tell whats in that green bottle) and drink it and have people amazed how I can drink just about five 20 oz bottles of sugar and acid and yet stay so skinny its unreal!

The smaller I get the stronger the urge I been having to bring in sweets, and goodies to my thin co-workers and hope they transform into me. The bigger they can get the happier I will be. Its twisted that I want others to be happy too, but deep down the increase in obese people will allow me and my friend to stick out in a sea of plus size ladies.

My blog shouldn’t exist. I want to join the love yourself the way you are crew ūüôā

Don’t worry about having decent hairstyles that fit you, girl go wild like a untamed bird :D, don’t worry about choosing a hair color that fits you (go with the famous person you like), go crazy!

Curse like a sailor, pick you nose in public and like the hood says do you!

We dress right for a interview, we understand we should wait our turn, we change ourselves without knowing it to fit in sometimes or to stand out either way if we can do all that why do many not understand that you may have to do the same to attract the type of person you want?

If being a better looking person means being a size 2….bring it! My stomach still chit chats at times, but it is so worth it!

Date or brownie

Cute guy checking me out or thug lovin checkin me out

Fashion or walmart clothes ONLY (not sometimes, but only…I refuse to spend alot on fat clothes)

I will continue to blog here for now, but my blog ……don’t want too many to think and say hmmm she has a point. Too many thin girls exist already as it is!


*I warm a cup of water at work on 70-88 minutes. I sip on it to stop the desire for food when I know Im not hungry. It helps vanish cravings.

*If possible I take a nap tired or not. Alot of times im tired and craving food to help keep me up. After a nap I no longer crave or feel hungry for a few hours.

*If I pulled a no no….the shower head is removed so water shoots out like a hose. I drink water first( a good amount!), get in shower and allow the hose to hit the back of my throat makes you gag…..and then…um splash? Do this at most twice a month to none.

*Buy a box of fiber one bars the 35% and eat the whole box and drink water too. This is extreme and yes has calories….but makes you do a serious…..and better then lax tea. Do this on the rare and your stomach will hurt.

*Self talk alone when no one is near. I mean talk out where only your ears can hear it. Self talking in the mind is not taken serious, but when you hear yourself….even if you slip up the chances are less higher then just in the mind….yes I do this almost daily lol.

*This is hard for me since Im the clean your plate type of person. This morning I bought a pancake wrap. I ate half and threw it on the ground fast….yes regret hit me, but worth it. By tasting my food the pancake wrap from 7-11 I tasted the freezer and box it came from, low quality food. The old me eats anything good or not in taste and since I have issues letting it go still I threw it to the ground. My future children will thank me or they would never exist!

Good night for now….zzz 12:21am

Dark side of being thin, from a outside view.

March 8, 2013

Just think your that pretty faced, or butter faced girl, you may dress like a boy or your gender, but it doesn’t matter your thin.

Many….many years ago a plain Jane girl didn’t have a chance even though she was thin, but the top heavy, size 4 classmate with sparkling eyes got all the attention. She was outgoing, knew how to make people like her, funny, and daring. Plain Jane stayed home or hung out with the few outcasts she knew or alone, she was boring. Back then…way back you were judged based on your personality.

Watch popular shows as proof, a guy around many thin women he has to choose from. This would be a skinny girl nightmare. The guy judges the woman based on who is the hottest, who matches the traits he likes in a woman…meaning he sees that she is thin, BUT it takes more then being thin when around many other thin women.

Myself and my friend were talking a few months ago how we need to move to the fatest¬†state of America. Not only would we win every time, but a guy would be so grateful he would be on his best behavior. A place like South beach, or the good areas of LA thin women are everywhere and already been under the knife to look even more perfect. And if your skinny like them…and they are skinny….yea.

Today Plain Jane has a better chance these days, as large people increase the cute, button nosed, hotty maybe a size 16 , but plain Jane is a size 4…………

Me and my friend see it countless times a really good looking guy with the most average looking woman in the room.

I thought I saw a gay couple two months ago holding hands….nope as they came closer it was a woman wearing a trucker looking hat, large pants, and a shirt good enough to chop lumber in holding hands with a decent looking guy.

My friend sent me pics of a guy she liked, but also sent me pics of the women he picked her over……………I am not joking when one skinny girl looked like a thin MAN, not boy, but MAN, the other one had a huge nose, and aged face, but was skinny. I was not shocked, but you can never get over it. My friend dresses nice, nice facial features, and has a lot going for herself and dress to the 9’s most of the time. Yet this guy wanted to marry one of those two. I wish I had the pictures!

But back to the point.

Your thin….and this happens alot. Your a size 2 arm candy.

You get hurt in a accident¬†so you can no longer jog that hamster circle, you have to be on life saving meds that causes you to gain weight even though you changed nothing about your eating habits, or you are carrying his child and gain 5-10 pounds some women gain 100 (no I don’t believe thats¬†from child!) anyway you brought life into this world that is a part of your soul mate, your¬†for ever¬†more, your till death do you part, your a parent and you snack on the kids foods, your stressed ect soon he is bringing up your weight.

In general many former thin women cry or get mad not understanding that it was your weight that attracted him….not your wild clubbing nights, or how you spent his money without him knowing, or how you did charity for kids, or that you gave one of your kidneys to his mom, or how controlling you are…nope.

He may cheat, go online and find people who tell him too I mean he didn’t marry a fat girl right.

Yet turn the tables around and he gets fat its ok he is a man!

You know its ok for a football fan of a guy to be fat and bloated, but the girls better come thin and perky!

The dark side of being thin is thinking that all these favors you gotten, or a guy insisting to help you, or a awesome deal you snag…again, only to gain weight and your whole world falls apart.

I have past¬†memories of being thin, having guys chase me only to get fat and not understand why the guys didn’t put up with my annoying ways, or no longer interesting.

I thought I was just ugly out of no where so no biggie.

Former thin girls see the difference, same girls who would deny this back then.

Like one said after she went from a size 2 to a 10 the same guy who every day ran to open the door for her no longer.

Or how their men are looking elsewhere at smaller women.

If it was all about¬†personality I wouldn’t be blogging here single.\

If you been large all your life you wouldn’t know it is greener on the otherside.

I been told many times how funny I am, how am I single, and if I was younger I would date you (yea right if younger you would go to thinner women too!)

Its the sad truth.

As Im back to getting close to my 240’s I saw a guy glance at me kinda looking, but carried on.

At 130 its game over.

My life should be a movie!

But I know it would be the most hated movie and secretly loved too.


1) Try not to be a thin women in a very thin area if so understand the guy has many choices.

2) Once thin stay thin! Even if a relationship doesn’t work out another guy is waiting even if you don’t know it.

3) Being thin has its perks, but its a huge blow to see how you are less respected once you gain.

4) Being plus size doesn’t mean life is over, but more so on the side lines.

5) All thin women can gain weight through age ect.


Your too pretty to be single………………….today my day was made. And pills…………

March 7, 2013

For the past few days I have been researching  surgeries such as a body lift after weight loss, fat transfers for my chest, and how to make ugly feet pretty and if a surgery existed for that? My thoughts were like maybe I will be stuck in this ghetto to save up and collect large amounts of debt to be able to look in the mirror knowing with or without a guy I look unnaturally amazing. I even discovered the term fillers for any lines on your face like since I was a teen I had these slight lines. I learned its normal and  alot of teens do have it too, but thats no comfort!

After work at 2pm. I waited for a group job interview till 3:30pm.

I wanted to leave so bad and walk home to bed, but what if I could of gotten the part time job?

With some strange tasting, yet good italian cake from a near by restaurant. I waited. (Like I could wait with a smile without  a food item to keep off the sleep!)

Well the group interview was pretty good. I made four¬†of the managers laugh and others wanting the job as well. One sad story as we were all to take turns answering the same question. A Ethiopian¬†girl said she has nine brothers and sisters in Africa (I know many feel its wrong to think this….but I am a poor person. I believe in birth¬†control of some form……) and they are struggling and how she got lucky to be in this country, but struggling here with three part time jobs. I met Africans who seen and heard of Oprah and how Americans travel there to help them, they don’t even believe homeless people exist in AMERICA! They come here and wish they could go back home. My ex roommate who is African said all he do is work, work,work, and how he only worked one day a week and was able to get a taxi and ride his bike, but all he do is work here. I said…right.

There was a cute guy sitting next to me. He had the Texan accent, but he looked cute so it was forgiven.

Long story short the managers got busy and couldn’t do a one on one interview after for us all.

I didn’t complain since I was tired just from coming from work!

I then found he was 18 this cute guy I thought was 20-22 of age.

I was blown away. I remember being in high school and some students looked like adults.

He said I bet your 25 of age I said wow how you know?! No one ever guesses my exact age.

He saw that I was walking and since we did just come from a group interview I thought ok he should be safe. I never take rides from people in my area no matter what.

We rode, talked, I breathed since he is still a guy of legal adult age (lol I know)

He said you must be with someone, you can’t be single. I said I am ūüė¶

I know he was trying to see if I would be interested (due to racial differences and my race of women known to shun all things of all other races who tend to have a better father figure track record, but a jail record and dark skin its hell yea! Or no record and has random kids from other women , list goes on.)

I then brushed him off saying well I don’t want to date anyone in my area.

He said your too pretty to be single.


That made my day because im still fat.

And I will fix my credit so I can go under the knife to look my ideal. My nose seems fine, my lips are perfect not too plumped and not too thin its my favorite part of me.

I have a lot of repairing to do and I care less of those who say love your self when all these actual hot, non butter faced looking thin women are having men hunt them DOWN.

I am currently sick, to the point my voice doesn’t exist really. Yet I made an appointment to see a doctor….about a popular pill used for one thing…but gives you weight loss aka makes you so not hungry you have to force yourself to eat! And energy is boundless.

I came from Florida binge eating still, these pills will give me a break from struggling to fight off cravings for food everyday. Curling up at night thinking I can do this I don’t have to eat…I can make it….until I fall a sleep.


It was nice to be called pretty then the other nasty stuff that makes you feel so unpretty.

Only three years ago a skinny black dude in his 50’s came from behind the kitchen, outside from kfc¬†where he worked as a fry cook (he told me) to tell me how I got a nice fat ass, and he love him a large woman (he had serious bags under his eyes), and can he have my number? I said no and from then on walking home I never passed kfc again.

If I have a son I promise to teach my son how to talk to a woman he is interested in. And if he meets a crazy one who feels he is too nice to them or not gangsta enough to move on really fast!

Today Im 259 ūüė¶ so slow due to …slip ups.


Weight going back down: And why I never believed in the Ah ha moment that triggers a person to lose weight

March 3, 2013

Yesterday I ate 1779 calories and today will be a 1300ish calorie day.

Today I am 263.6 pounds. I don’t believe too much in water weight, for example a person who water fasts for 40 days and lose 100 pounds was never 100 pounds worth of water. I do believe based on the many visits to the bathroom I had a good amount of water. Honestly I saw 270 in Florida….yes not joking on the stress binges. Today Im¬†263.6 and eating the amount of calories I am eating. It has to be some water weight. Like I said I will be 250 something in only 5 days or less. This is day two of back on track. I will be 250 again very soon as well. I came from binging, so my calories are pretty high then it was before my Florida trip…..going to take a small moment to¬†get back to 500 or 300 calories a day to the point I felt in the future I could water fast without fail. When Tuesday hit I won’t be so large I can no longer fit my size 18’s.

Before I left to Florida, a coworker I don’t even work with since were located on different floors. He knows I exist, I had a small crush on him last year until I came to terms it would never happen (when we use to work on the same floors), he gave special attention and Texan Southern admiration for the thin girls…even though I was right behind the giggling skinnies. I got zero attention. Before leaving he said hi to me when I being my invisible¬†self unless needed. I turned around and didn’t see anyone , looked to my left and right…I was so confused that I walked away. He had a customer (a male) and he did say hi Miss…..I was looking for a Miss. At 250 I am obese, my morbidly obese title is gone. At 200 I believe I will be overweight. I remember last year maybe three months into my job. Struggling with my weight as always. I got down to 280 and was told by my co-worker a older¬†black lady not to lose too much.¬† Go to body gallery and put my height at 5’10 and 280…..yes I was shocked she even said that. I mean I need to lose as much as possible! My race of people had me fooled that I was fine, not fat, or not that bad off or just lose 30 pounds and tone up aka muscle girl look?

My upper arms hangs with gross flesh, my thighs are so huge. Not skinny girl thinking huge, but actual huge! My ex roommate, made me so mad. We were wrestling for fun like we did sometimes. He would start it even if I didn’t want to and I went along with it. Kinda fun…tiring.

Somehow I fell or something where he could see that my thighs touched together. He then asked in his Ethiopian¬†accent that when I get man how will he have sex from behind? Yes we didn’t talk for about a week and some days. People from other countries are known to be more blunt then Americans. Americans tend to think it more so then say it. Some do say it don’t get me wrong, but you have a higher chance from another culture fresh from their lands¬†saying hey come here… come all across the¬†street….to be told your fat…yup happened to me.

Before leaving Florida.

A few young co-workers (In their 20’s like me)

Saw me as I passed by , and said hey (Name here)

So your heading to Florida? (said the size 6 appearing co-worker)

I said yes I am!

She then said you going to buy you a bathing suit?

This is the one who didn’t talk to me in¬†almost a year¬†of me being there…..once I started losing weight her and her buddy started making small talk to me, and talking around me of personnel stuff!¬† There I was 250 pounds facing her, no longer the 300 pounder who limped home after work due to all my weight on my feet. Still large I can manage. I told her that I already have a bathing suit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I did lie. I knew she knows I lost 50 pounds and she feels I am crazy enough to run out and buy a swim suit in my size or maybe she thought I felt since losing 50¬† pounds I don’t own a swim suit and now want to buy one?

Whatever she was thinking as I walked off her and her co working crew bust out laughing.

My only thoughts were someday I will be smaller then you.

Leaving my job that last day, I saw my crush that is slowly dying away inside me.

He saw my new hair color a deep brown, Im looking better in his eyes, we had small talk, but I saw it all over him that said you look good.

His lost and I won’t be going back ever. I never forgot way back then many months ago in 2012.

How he thought I was saying someday I will return to Texas to see him still working this low paying job (a popular joke)

I saw his face, I saw his what do you mean look? The fear in his eyes a girl like me willing to travel thousands a miles to see him….once I finished my sentence he laughed and calmed down. From then on he got me, no longer fears my large self wants to run away with him.





Anytime I read a weight loss story so and so say he lost weight because he wanted to be able to play with his grands. Or she lost weight after not being able to ride the rides with her kids. Everyone has that moment that something says enough is enough!


I recall my former ride once again making me hate her, wish she was gone, that I never met her, we didn’t talk and really still don’t.

I remember being in the break room for lunch only eating a bag of broccoli¬†worth 120 calories and that was it the whole day. It was filling, the next day I recall a huge drop in my weight maybe 5-6 pounds? I have to look back…way back in this blog. After she made me angry I binged on mini pieces of chocolate candy the following day.

Did anger and feeling upset and powerless along with a bag of frozen microwave¬†friendly broccoli ….was that my ah ha moment? I didn’t plan on just eating that bag of green that day at all.

Should I write to aol or a magazine about my story of my ah ha moment?

Where Im getting at is every plus size person had a ah ha moment! Sometimes almost everyday!

These success¬†stories act like one thing triggered them to lose the weight forget not finding clothes large enough, joint pain, being out of breath like a smoker on three or so flights of stairs, been made fun of at some point or another, finding your soul mate only to see he/she is not interested in you at your size…the list goes on and on! Tons of ah ha moments to make a person want to drop the weight.

The only time I believe in the ah ha moment is due to fear….you must lose x amount of weight or you will day at such an such year.

Or a death of a loved one or break up can lead to weight loss, sometimes weight gain too.

Being a teen at 16 or 17 and seeing the sign 250 and under is allowed to ride the horse should of been my ah ha moment?

I believe something has to click. A strong emotion has to happen. Emotions start in the mind and so does what triggers a person to binge or undereat. Going to study this a little more. I bet theres a way to to cut off the strong want of food though emotions or something. Hope Im making since here!


Goes back to Lesile¬†sansone walk at home dvd….on mile 2.

By Tuesday please let me be 250 again!

I can’t handle people seeing the old me again.

Im back and my trip to Florida was awful and so is my weight.

March 2, 2013

I don’t like Texas, I do like Florida. I like Florida because its diverse in races, the beach, and Cubans are there BUT it wasn’t daily like it is in Texas where I hear loud blasting Latin music. I hate loud blasting rap music too, but you can sometimes get what they are saying….still not a fan of rap too racist for me.¬† Rap mainly now is I hate white men they put us down blah blah blah, I want to have sex with you and all these whores, we gotta get us a white woman, too bad that girl is dark skin she would look better red type of garbage. So maybe I should view the loud Latin music as better? Least I don’t understand anything.

I stick to my Britney spears, Janet Jackson, Jem, and that song sail away type of music, or Korn, Nirvana type of rock.

I left Texas to Florida (for days before the trip!) with thoughts of tons of photos, going out (which is rare of me), meeting a cute guy who at least sees me even at my size, I was so excited! I miss all the Haitian people hearing them, seeing them, I miss the Cubans with their accents, I miss the whites there with their pro tan selves, I miss going to the beach, I miss my family, I miss the island food they sell in florida, I miss the Jamaicans who say tree instead of three (yes they really do), I miss the florida culture of it all. Florida is not perfect, but it is home.


On the way there I was able to take my 250 pound self at 5’10 in height and hop on spirit airlines, and buckle with ease! I felt like I was on weight lose cloud nine ūüôā memories…


We landed and feeling 50 pounds away from average some what. I saw my mom after almost a year again.

Make a long story short.

I had arguments¬†over my seven year old sister….she is hyper…she does have adhd…..and going back and forth, I had to help I tried so hard! Its like were all adults, my mom had another child later in life, she is disable going back to school, my other sister didn’t want to be bothered….at the end no matter what I said, or tried to get her excited about education, or throw a threat at her like I will turn off sponge bob …she refused to do her homework, anything! After 12 days I now get why no one wants to be bothered too much. My mom at the end talked more clam, I told her all that yelling back with her does nothing, also I don’t believe in spankings either. My sister when she was 5 threw a high heel at my head, the pointy part got me. I was in such pain I had to sit locked up in the bathroom. I don’t believe in spankings. Just take what she likes away for a moment.

My vacation was more of helping my mom, I did become depressed that she can’t walk like she use to and may have MS, and dealing with my super clean freak grandmother for 12 days! Hearing my little sister scream that she doesn’t want to read, she screamed because I turned the tv off too, I couldn’t sleep. I lacked SLEEP, and you need sleep for your weight too.

My teenage self came back. I found myself BINGING for 12 long days.

I felt my pants get tighter, my joints felt worse, I struggled with standing I felt that heavy! I thought how did I move at this size? I was so use to¬†being big that I never thought anything of it until 50 pounds were off me. I found myself holding on to stuff more just to go upstairs and down. I binged daily and through out the day to the point yes all my hard work went down the drain I hate to admit it I really do. Today 267! At first for the first three days my body fought to stay in its 50’s.

No exercise , just sit and eat. I couldn’t exercise because so and so wanted to use their tv or lap top. My dvds couldn’t go anywhere. In my grandmothers large room things are nicely put where I didn’t see true space to really exercise along with the video.
I never felt so bad in my life! I was ready to go home to be able to sleep, not hearing a demanding toddler, to focus on repairing my weight loss. I came so close to leaving on a earlier flight!

The last two days out of 12 became normal. I got the family together, and we all agreed my sister needs to go to some form of summer camp to give everyone a break. The last two days made me miss my family again. I will live on my own, I could never move back in the same house no matter how much I save. I lived with them all that stress for years of my life, good moments exist too, but the scale…… I can’t become the 312 pound teen again the highest I been ever.

I refused to go out due to the weight gain, my clothes felt tighter, I felt like a failure. Now back to the drawing board. Back to my foods. My mom cooked sweet yams, bbq chicken, smothered pork chops, a large chocolate cake was there too, mac and cheese, and after we all ate that large amount of food in five days, we moved on to fast foods, and bowl after bowl of cereal, my stomach looks like its hanging badly again :(. Nothing wrong with the food if eaten in very small portions along with some form of movement.

All this damage will be fixed in five days. I will be back to my 50’s in five days. Three more days to be 250 exactly.

Im home in my apartment, my dvd player set up, all my work out dvds are ready and so im I.

The end of march I will be a size 16. This trip was a set back a huge one.

Lucky me my boss called me yesterday saying don’t come until Tuesday so before everyone at work can see me at my worse I can repair it by 50 percent.


I took the bus in Florida to get sand and shells for the folks of Texas. The bus drives along with beach. Women tanning, men tanning. I tried tanning as a teen and felt I was going to die to the point I put myself in the ER. The sun felt amazing for 5-10 minutes then my body broke out in air bubbles on my stomach…….laying in the sun takes good genes and talent. I then learned of being sun sick. Yes Im¬†considered black, BUT¬† the sun is not our friends. Sun screen is a blessing.

All those tanning folks, I was ok………………until I saw the thin jogging women…I wasn’t ok. Yes men were jogging, but Im¬†not a man. The women were jogging, pony tails are swooshing, even one had her dogs fur blowing in the wind in their jog ūüė¶

I felt like the fat pine sol lady I became in only 12 days.  All I saw in the reflection of the bus window was a fat brown grizzly girl.

All those women on the beach only went to show off their thin bodies in two pieces.

If it made sense to wear two pieces in stores, school ect they would do so 24/7. Lucky for those of larger sizes its mainly done by the beach.


I can fix this.


Once you start binging, mentally its hard to stop and slow down. I got back to Texas a day and a half ago. I just got myself together and no longer binging. Yes pretty fast, but I have to be thin! My future husband is out there somewhere!


New goal is a size 2.

Some men are saying size 4 is fat! Size 4 is not fat. I will allow myself to be a 2 for a good moment of my life. Then go to a 4.

We will see.