I am happy and thrilled to say at 5am I woke up to…..*Drum roll* please…, plus how my weight is effecting others

 

Today I woke up at 5am for work, thinking about the 1000 and some calories I ate yesterday (I believe 1100)

I had to weigh myself. I hate it when I feel the scale maybe the same or worse inches up a ounce or pound. I been trying so hard, forcing myself to

stop eating passed that 1000 and some mark. I was thinking can the scale please be forgiving?

As always semi nude, (clothes can be heavy!) I stepped on the scale and once it read 250.4 I couldn’t believe it!!!! I was in pure joy!

I mean each pound brings me closer to the days I may see the toilet lid up, cooking for my boyfriend turned husband, cleaning in the cutest outfits ever, and making sure to stay slim so he won’t file for divorce due to indifference.

 

Last night in my dark studio apartment in my bed thinking of those calories and how I should relax and life shouldn’t be about calories….but couldn’t help it. I then took notice that my right hand was rubbing my stomach as it made odd tiny sounds here and there. I then realized I was comforting my stomach as it begged for food. It had enough and stayed quite for days, but it had enough. I then continued to rub my stomach. Next thing I was curled up in a semi ball on my right side of my body thinking of those calories.

I went into a soft sleep as the rain outside my window fell gently .

I then had a dream that my place was so bright of light and I wouldn’t stop eating fiber one bars, I was so upset as the calories grew and grew.

I woke up and my stomach was calm.

If a person wants to be plus size, bbw or big and tall, fat or whatever they have a right to…..eat less and move more is a mental war, a battle against body and mind.

Also I am proud to say I am glad I never listen to advice to buy clothes for my body now. I brought clothes as a teen as my goal clothes my someday when Im small clothes, I read I should throw away my clothes that I can’t fit as if I planned on staying large forever. Glad I just said your right as those clothes are still with me many years later.

I had this beautiful, bright rain coat. I needed a rain coat today on my way to work. It was so rainy.

Then I saw my rain coat I had since 16, but could never wear it again.

I thought why not? Not only did the size 18-20 fit on me, my arms were able to, I was even able to zip it up and button it up! It looked wonderful on me I had the biggest grin ever!

 

All I can say is thank goodness the scale was so forgiving (today I ate 800 and something the 1000 was risky)

Thank goodness for the invention I used at 10pm last night…..a bottle….that you squirt up your….that helps your bowels move.

Last night as my stomach was having a fit…..it was so worth it. The bad feeling of empty to see 250.4 pounds the next day.

As I been typing I been sipping on this coca cola zero ….and tonight based on my stomach…how it feels so empty…I will be curled up tonight again.

 

 

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1) Today a woman at work who I pass by everyday in the halls and we only smile at each other sometimes to be polite.

As I was in the locker room looking at myself again, she passed by and glanced at me, but then RETURNED, peeped in and LOOKED at me long then hurried off in the direction she was going!

Her culture I am impressed with they are masters of weight. They have many people believe its their genetics when I see fat ones here right in America and rumors are growing that in some areas in their country weight is becoming a issue, BUT they still are number one. They have also have others believe they can eat rice and able to stay slim off those high carbs…..their rice serving is not American size…very little, plus fish and veggies are on the side and other low calorie dishes, and some view fruit…again fruit as a dessert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the one I know who eats American food mainly takes a bite or two and throws out the rest, long ago my heart sank when she threw it away. They have also mastered the skill of less muscle mass preventing them from hulking about looking manly. Many are not big on curves that are really just 10-20 pounds from being considered over weight. I joked with one of this culture and said wow that dress gives you the body of Beyonce…..the horror on her face was priceless…never seen her wear that again. As she stared in shock at my lower size I thought you saw nothing yet!

 

2) One of the popular girls stopped me to talk to me!!! Yes everyone has a popular person or people at their job! She stopped me!!! This is a person who hardly said hi to me…she did once I was losing, then vanished when I gained some back, but she is back and we had a full convo! I was almost nervous because I was like this can’t be happening. She talked about how I lost so much ect. Last year when I started the job I was 300 pounds…today 250.4. No didn’t take me a year to lose 50 because I had many failed times, many binges and many times getting back on track. To be honest I should be almost or at goal by now.

3) One girl who is pretty cool, but doesn’t really see me , but ok. She joked with me today!! I hurried off because I was like this has got to be a dream! She even said wow is someone losing weight? I said yup! (wasn’t the joke, but all these weight comments….)

 

As my weight lowers someday….someday I will be told I am getting too skinny, or my head looks big…and each comment will bring a smile on my face its only another form of get fat again!

Someday I will have access to skinny women chats. I will hear them talk of the latest diets to help them look beyond slim. They will ask me what did I do? I will give them the same bull I was given for years. I will throw every Mr Rogers ,Oprah, at them and a dash of Barney tell them to love themselves and I don’t see why they should lose any weight!

If they ask again I will say I don’t eat after (enter time here, the later the better), and I drink two ensures a day and cheese cakes maybe 3 slices and sometimes pizza just three slices (enter more high calorie lies), and I walk 15 minutes a day. I will smile so hard they can’t think Im lying if they do oh well.

….my stomach….I mean if I ate 1500……and exercised and hoped I burn at least 300 of it…after work outs I always recalled wanting food.

My stomach is begging….begging…time to curl up again and dream of old memories of super salad, and having two whoopers with fries, and my former love pizza hut personal pan pizzas….

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