Woke up at 5am at 254 pounds! Now its 8:47pm and weighed in at 254.8 pounds. Memory lane.

Today I had 1000 calories.
Two frozen entrée’s ,one raw cookie dough ball, and  a butter finger candy bar.

I went to walmart for fiber.

I mean this scale is moving a little too slow for my taste.  Fiber should get things moving if you know what I mean.

I bought fiber one bars, and cereal too.

Tomorrow I will have:

Two servings in one bowl (lets be honest the real servings are wonderful for a toddler when it comes to cereal)

Of Fiber one Nutty Clusters and Almonds= 180 +180

Then one serving of that organic milk=150

Two bars of fiber one bars 90+90

Beef Pepper steak frozen meal 290

All the above is 980 calories.

 

Any sign of caving in I get a diet lemonade from the food court or/and a coke zero from a near by corner store.

 

I have to wake up at 5am for work and by the time 9am hits my stomach as of today for the first time in years made a real…I mean a real grumble sound!

Were not allowed to stop and eat until a another hour goes by. Once that hour hit I was the only one eating lunch when the day was just getting started!

I recall a year ago I got the job I am at now.

I remember weighing 300 pounds coming from more of a sit down job being a care giver to a resident.

Yes a stressful job depending on their traits,but some were really kind people.

We did have to get up to clean them, feed, or prepare meals, check their vitals, make sure they were happy. In a nursing home its worse and you will drop a pound or ten! But I worked in a retirement home caring for one and once that job was over. I found another in retail.

I remember seeing a few fat ones like myself both genders, but the skinny ones out numbered us. I mean these were not average skinny women, I mean magazine skinny! These women were in their 20’s and 30’s and 40’s and some even 50’s pulling out the skinny Jennifer A. card!

Then again us fat ones from older to younger were few.

I remember looking at these ladies in envy and shock I even got the job in the first place! The person who hired me a size zero herself!

 

It was hard and still is! Compared to before I am doing way better!

I remember bending over slightly to catch my breath only to pop my zipper apart or the mini buckle that held the pants together.

I went through so many work pants!

These size 22 pants I have now are so loose it brings a smile to my face, but I won’t buy any new ones until I reach a size 16!

 

 

I really needed food for my apartment, but the honest sad fact was that I was dreading it.

I was afraid to enter a store that sells food. Today I was debating can I handle going into the store without eating cheese cakeSSSSS through it? Any time I shopped I was eating as I looked for food items. I wasn’t hungry just a craving.

I had to go I thought to myself if I don’t……I will miss up tomorrow going for foods that are unknown to me in calories that maybe too high right now.

My store trip was a little faster then average. I mean I could be walking around walmart just finnish polishing off their hot bar fries, and walking with cheese cake slices that came in two in hand, then looking for a soda to wash it all down then thinking hmmmm pizza hut sounds really good right now (no joke).

 

Im still not far away from my old self and sometimes I just feel like giving up. I still miss the the fact I could eat at any place, any where, but felt bad after and then my body didn’t look so grand. I miss all the countless flavors I could ever experience.

 

I looked in the mirror, my face has slimmed, my eyes look large again! I saw some male co-workers who work in the kitchen three one at a time came out to say hi….not stupid word got out I’m losing weight and they wanted to see themselves.

I want the skinny girl pass, with the fat girl fun of eating.

Right now I feel like chewing something just because. If I chew gum it makes me hungrier and my stomach doesn’t feel right….like its starving or something. Gum is now on a rare!

 

24 hours in a day…just 24 hours in a day.

 

 

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