Archive for February, 2013

Work,The Binge, My weight, and why I never wanted to be the fat girl friend……

February 17, 2013

Today my weight is 254 and yes I am gratful….could of been much worse. My body is now comfortable in the 250’s. Before it would go right into the 60’s and ever so close to the 70’s.

This is why it appears thin people stay slim. Their bodies have a weight memory. They eat not much for so long compared to someone of larger size to even normal healthy sizes, that when they binge and go over board on the rare their body fights back to stay the same weight range its been for a good time or even a month or two. My sister always the size 9 for years and loves to eat to the point others thought its her genes even though we have some fat family members counting me! Today she is a size 11…..her body memory is not preparing for the new size and will stay a 11 for sometime. Also she would eat, eat,eat and have periods where she eats normal amounts as well.

 

Months ago my manager got fired, so after that his assistant had all the work thrown on her alone for a few months…she couldn’t handle it and recently quit. The new manager we had for three weeks lost his title and will be handed down to another. I binged because everything was going right at work even with all what was going on, but sadly the new manager came removed me to go here and there, allowed a former assistant manager who lost her title due to complaints such as favoring her own latino kind, singling others…..well she is nothing more then one of us. New manager let her be in charge so he could have a day off. She was awful and to me she was cool until she got her hands back on her power trip! I binged…binged…binged.  I went to old favorites at all four locations and guess what? I thought to myself I have been wasting my life on this gross salty food????? The chocolate cake lost its fun….I mean even pizza hut I had left over pizza!!! I even threw away some of my food when before I ate 100 percent.

After being on such a anti fast food plan, counting my calories and packing my lunch….I lost my taste for favorites. I was like ewwww. What made this all taste good before? My binge got me to 258. Next day and a half I am now at 254 pounds.

This is proof my body is ready for me to be in my 240s now. Its not being 260 and more. My taste buds are craving fruit right now as well. I already had veggie burgers, two raw dough cookies, and 40 cal bread (three slices only), ketup and mustard….yea I count it all.

So far that was 540 calories.

Watermelon from whole foods should make me at 600 and something.

The look on all my former food love locations, the looks on the workers face like yea shes back! On slow days they could always count on me to make a sale.

I still get wow you look like you lost weight from co-workers who been on paid time off and just seeing me after a week or so.

 

 

Todays the day….my plane trip. When I went last time I was 270ish or late 260ish. The ride going was kinda tight. The seats perfect for a woman in the 1960’s. I was so afraid they would put me off like others in the news. The shame you feel after paying to go on vacation only to be left behind. After eating piesssssssssssssssssssss, eating out, eating every 10 or so minutes…it was horrible. One family member gets up to eat everyone joins. It was like follow the leader. Only a week…yes I gained all the way up to 280ish. No joke. No one could believe it. The plane ride back was even tighter and the belt wouldn’t go on me. I didn’t want to ask a staff member for a larger belt in fear they would see my cramped wide hips and thighs and put me off stuck in Florida. I was lucky going….aka mom put her two slim kids to share a seat in between me and her. The trip back I was cramped in with a another large girl and she got up once she saw open free seats giving us both space to spread out.

I am lucky today since now 12 seats are open meaning this is not a popular flight. I know I will make it to Florida for sure.

I have my dvd’s packed, scale packed, may have to buy some weights in Florida to go with the dvd’s.

Got new shoes so I can jog at the park, my mp3 charger packed and fully charged.

My moms food and cakes are waiting for me, calories unknown. My goal is to eat once a day, and work out like I lost my mind! At most a plate and a half a day.

I will be back March 1, and I will…again I will be 240 something within 12 days or better 230!!!! *chants to self size 16*

Even got my 5k app too. Not playing games. I have a man who will want me, a wedding to dress for, kids to be had, and clothes to be shopped.

 

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WHY I NEVER WANTED TO BE THE FAT GIRL FRIEND

 

I want a boyfriend so bad sometimes I catch myself willing to settle for whatever. Having a relationship is unknown to me. Im pretty much like a teen who never got a boyfriend yet. She sees the hand holding, the butterfly feelings, everything, but the bad.  Some women can make it as the fat or plus size girl friend….but I know me and really I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I want a stable home, the fence, the dog or cat, the kids, the successful life of doing well in America the nirvana of dreams.

Let me give you example.

This guy I talked to online two years ago, sounded normal, decent, and understanding.He said he is faithful and never cheated.

He looked cute, but his large nose I mean not normal large, but large across the face type of large….so Im sorry I was already like um…no.

I then said well the inside matters more and being that I am judged based on size I should not judge him based on the size of his nose.

He saw pics of me, he was open to my size I was so impressed that a guy in my age group seemed normal and like me for my size no matter if I was large or small…I was sold!

I looked at him in his pics like a man looks at a butter face thin woman from the neck down.

I then discovered why he was open to my size:

1) At the age of 22 told me he will never leave his moms apartment ever and who ever he meets have to either move in with them or get a apartment on the same grounds. His mom was in good health, but he can’t see beyond her.

2) Not afraid to drive, but will never do so.

3) Doesn’t like going out that includes dining, movies, ect.

4) He got a job working at the apartment he lives at with mom cleaning the grounds. He got the job he said because the people noticed he would never leave to go any where.

5) Any form of license or education will not be happening.

The above is the type of guys that run to fat women because thin women are less likely to take that type of guy.A lonely woman such as myself is perfect! He then told me the only reason he found out his ex cheated on him (yea I was shocked he had a ex) was because she told him….if she didn’t he would never of found out!

I mean she could go to the near by gas station and cheat and he wouldn’t know.

Some plus size women do get lucky…but very few in the men department.  Any plus size woman who cheats on her man is a death sentence of single for many more years.

 

Lets say I was crazy enough to get with him? We get married, I live with him, get to know my mother in law real well…daily.

He goes outside to clean, I am doing my medical stuff.

Then I lose weight. I mean I get to a burning hot size 4!

Guys are really flocking to me. Guys who want to go outside, drive, and have a life outside their moms, and a decent career.

Whats going to happen? I am going to leave!!!!

DiVoRcE!

He settled for me because he lacked outside skills and having any form of fun, it was all on me to do the shopping, take any child I have to the doctor ect because he won’t drive. I settled for him because the average decent guy didn’t want me for dating or marriage nothing, but now they do. I would feel bitter, but still would leave.

Not all former fat people leave relationships, they mainly do if they know they can do better. Some do leave being selfish and had a decent person. Some don’t leave at all.

For me I am so outta there. I know when I was thinner the type of guys that took interest. I know what I can get.

I want a relationship, but its best I wait. I am open to dating, but really….I should wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I am happy and thrilled to say at 5am I woke up to…..*Drum roll* please…, plus how my weight is effecting others

February 12, 2013

 

Today I woke up at 5am for work, thinking about the 1000 and some calories I ate yesterday (I believe 1100)

I had to weigh myself. I hate it when I feel the scale maybe the same or worse inches up a ounce or pound. I been trying so hard, forcing myself to

stop eating passed that 1000 and some mark. I was thinking can the scale please be forgiving?

As always semi nude, (clothes can be heavy!) I stepped on the scale and once it read 250.4 I couldn’t believe it!!!! I was in pure joy!

I mean each pound brings me closer to the days I may see the toilet lid up, cooking for my boyfriend turned husband, cleaning in the cutest outfits ever, and making sure to stay slim so he won’t file for divorce due to indifference.

 

Last night in my dark studio apartment in my bed thinking of those calories and how I should relax and life shouldn’t be about calories….but couldn’t help it. I then took notice that my right hand was rubbing my stomach as it made odd tiny sounds here and there. I then realized I was comforting my stomach as it begged for food. It had enough and stayed quite for days, but it had enough. I then continued to rub my stomach. Next thing I was curled up in a semi ball on my right side of my body thinking of those calories.

I went into a soft sleep as the rain outside my window fell gently .

I then had a dream that my place was so bright of light and I wouldn’t stop eating fiber one bars, I was so upset as the calories grew and grew.

I woke up and my stomach was calm.

If a person wants to be plus size, bbw or big and tall, fat or whatever they have a right to…..eat less and move more is a mental war, a battle against body and mind.

Also I am proud to say I am glad I never listen to advice to buy clothes for my body now. I brought clothes as a teen as my goal clothes my someday when Im small clothes, I read I should throw away my clothes that I can’t fit as if I planned on staying large forever. Glad I just said your right as those clothes are still with me many years later.

I had this beautiful, bright rain coat. I needed a rain coat today on my way to work. It was so rainy.

Then I saw my rain coat I had since 16, but could never wear it again.

I thought why not? Not only did the size 18-20 fit on me, my arms were able to, I was even able to zip it up and button it up! It looked wonderful on me I had the biggest grin ever!

 

All I can say is thank goodness the scale was so forgiving (today I ate 800 and something the 1000 was risky)

Thank goodness for the invention I used at 10pm last night…..a bottle….that you squirt up your….that helps your bowels move.

Last night as my stomach was having a fit…..it was so worth it. The bad feeling of empty to see 250.4 pounds the next day.

As I been typing I been sipping on this coca cola zero ….and tonight based on my stomach…how it feels so empty…I will be curled up tonight again.

 

 

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1) Today a woman at work who I pass by everyday in the halls and we only smile at each other sometimes to be polite.

As I was in the locker room looking at myself again, she passed by and glanced at me, but then RETURNED, peeped in and LOOKED at me long then hurried off in the direction she was going!

Her culture I am impressed with they are masters of weight. They have many people believe its their genetics when I see fat ones here right in America and rumors are growing that in some areas in their country weight is becoming a issue, BUT they still are number one. They have also have others believe they can eat rice and able to stay slim off those high carbs…..their rice serving is not American size…very little, plus fish and veggies are on the side and other low calorie dishes, and some view fruit…again fruit as a dessert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the one I know who eats American food mainly takes a bite or two and throws out the rest, long ago my heart sank when she threw it away. They have also mastered the skill of less muscle mass preventing them from hulking about looking manly. Many are not big on curves that are really just 10-20 pounds from being considered over weight. I joked with one of this culture and said wow that dress gives you the body of Beyonce…..the horror on her face was priceless…never seen her wear that again. As she stared in shock at my lower size I thought you saw nothing yet!

 

2) One of the popular girls stopped me to talk to me!!! Yes everyone has a popular person or people at their job! She stopped me!!! This is a person who hardly said hi to me…she did once I was losing, then vanished when I gained some back, but she is back and we had a full convo! I was almost nervous because I was like this can’t be happening. She talked about how I lost so much ect. Last year when I started the job I was 300 pounds…today 250.4. No didn’t take me a year to lose 50 because I had many failed times, many binges and many times getting back on track. To be honest I should be almost or at goal by now.

3) One girl who is pretty cool, but doesn’t really see me , but ok. She joked with me today!! I hurried off because I was like this has got to be a dream! She even said wow is someone losing weight? I said yup! (wasn’t the joke, but all these weight comments….)

 

As my weight lowers someday….someday I will be told I am getting too skinny, or my head looks big…and each comment will bring a smile on my face its only another form of get fat again!

Someday I will have access to skinny women chats. I will hear them talk of the latest diets to help them look beyond slim. They will ask me what did I do? I will give them the same bull I was given for years. I will throw every Mr Rogers ,Oprah, at them and a dash of Barney tell them to love themselves and I don’t see why they should lose any weight!

If they ask again I will say I don’t eat after (enter time here, the later the better), and I drink two ensures a day and cheese cakes maybe 3 slices and sometimes pizza just three slices (enter more high calorie lies), and I walk 15 minutes a day. I will smile so hard they can’t think Im lying if they do oh well.

….my stomach….I mean if I ate 1500……and exercised and hoped I burn at least 300 of it…after work outs I always recalled wanting food.

My stomach is begging….begging…time to curl up again and dream of old memories of super salad, and having two whoopers with fries, and my former love pizza hut personal pan pizzas….

Woke up 8am at 251.6 pounds!!!! But time is 4:06pm and scale reads 252.4…I did eat 1100 calories today :(

February 11, 2013

The amount I ate shouldn’t do this, but like someone said in the comment section in the uk news outlet about weight is that you can either live and enjoy food, or live and enjoy clothes, you can never have both.  I agree with that statement. A world where I can eat anything and in large amounts without seeing the scale sky rocket…is only a dream!

You can enjoy food….but not how I would like to! Today is a real cheat day and I hope tomorrow the scale is more forgiving.

I ate a lot of fiber foods and products really.

At least I woke up to see 251.6 pounds that made me smile I mean I am that close to being in my 240’s. As of now I have not been under 255 pounds in many many many years! I am 25 of age and the last time I was under 250 something was in my teens.

I may wake up to see 251 again…which is a huge chance, but by eating 1000 range ……I ruined my chance of seeing 250 tomorrow 😦  sucks.

Guess I need to start poppin in my work out vids to be able to eat a 1000 or more without regret.

 

*Takes deep breath*

The life and times of a forever dieter.

 

On the brighter side of things I got all 25 of my sticks!

How to eat less and move more and talk like a skinny girl sizes 0-6.

February 11, 2013

Alot of skinny women who never been fat a day in their lives ( ignoring them and their last 5 pounds dilemma), are so use to eating the way they do they say its genetics or what not. They really don’t know that how they are is keeping them thin…until they have a baby the weight reveals itself! Or even age, but some skinny women even after baby and the round about hot flashes they are still skinny! They never changed!!

Example a young lady at my moms church a size 2 she appeared ate a second salad for us and said see I had two servings…..yea.

 

TALKING:

 

1) Any friend or stranger who says they wish they had your body, remind them it is your genetics no matter if you have proof or not or morbidly obese family members hidden away with a cousin who just got bypass surgery.

2) If a friend comes to you sad and say Im so fat…stop them and throw every Oprah vibe and word at them. Let them know of how curvy they are and how you try so hard to gain weight (at this point pretend that zumba class is only for fun), or better relate to them about how your fat too, but learned to love yourself make sure to pinch some skin up thats really just fatless skin and say see!

3) When people ask you what do you eat either look insulted to stop them there, or say what ever you want and how you always since you were little could eat what you wanted when ever.

4) Only when you think no fat women are around discuss diet tips, and exercises that gave you that flat tummy. Never ever talk like this around anyone bigger then you unless you happen to be a size 4 and the other a 6! Size 8…maybe.

5) When you see other thin women its best to befriend them. I mean what could be more fun then hanging out with new gal pals at the gym for a couple of hours?

6) If your friend returns and says almost in tears that a guy she liked told her he likes her too, but shes too big, remind her that he was a loser and that he missed out and you don’t want that type of guy anyway…ignore the fact he is a honor student, talented, and a gentleman to the skinny bartender who is in dept and rumored to be crazy.

EATING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Train yourself when hunger comes take a bite of it and toss it away!
2) Eat half your food when out and make sure to talk most of the time to get the other person or people from having too much time to see your hardly eating. Great topics to get people off your eating habit back: Sex life, a tragic (can come from news), and rumors of so and so (make sure so and so is not there), after a while when you feel everyone is ready to go ask for a doggy bag.

3)Before going to a party make sure to have a light snack,so you won’t be tempted to go over board.

4)On dates make sure to order anything baked, with veggies, sauce or dressing on the side, and a diet drink or if you dare some wine. If the date insist on something sweet after , pretend to be romantic and ask to share the dish with him/her. Whatever damage you ate you can burn off at the locale 24/7 gym thats open down the street after…again after he drops you off home. Or reduce greatly the next day.

5) Carrots, candy bar, fruit chewies, a banana…so many choices. Pick a snack that requires you to chew longer. It will last longer then saw some grapes that are soft and juicy. Your friend picks a banana and is done in less then 3 minutes. You picked some gummie bears because it requires chewing and last longer for the amount of calories it has. The longer you have to chew the better, as your friend seeks something else sooner then you.

6)Try to eat in public around co-workers, friends and family. No one can say your not eating! Even if they saw you ate two slices of cake…you know you won’t be eating again and if you do its a 100 calorie salad.

7) Tried and true you can say your not hungry right now or I just ate.

8) When you do feel hungry always reach for coffee first!

 

MOVING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Tell people who say oh so thats why your so skinny: That you have runners high and they wouldn’t understand the urge to run and that before running its really your genetics (smash their hopes that if they ran they too could be skinny)

2) You don’t consider yourself active because honestly you do what you consider fun. Such as laps in the pool, volley ball on week ends with friends, hiking with a loved one. Your innocent here because you think its fun when its really burning any good or bad foods up the instant it touches your throat!

3) Keep it a secret that your a jogger, (yes some do lie..have tons of skinny women stories)

4) Your job! All that moving, then you say you just can’t find time to eat…yet somehow others are…

5) For charity! Join something with a cause that at the end gives you these great legs! No one will ever question or ask about your fitness routin if its for a cause. A lot of skinny women do this with the right heart, but still the training for the run ect is giving them that wonderful body I seek for myself!

 

 

I remember reading how this over weight woman had a very…very…skinny friend. The friend told her its her genetics, and this is how her body worked. The friend believed this and felt her friend to be lucky. On a outing with her friend and her friends husband. The three of them enjoyed their food. Her skinny friend ordered mash potatoes, steak with veggies and wine. Even had a large hunk of cake too! On this night the friends husband got kinda drunk, the skinny friend went to the bathroom. The over weight friend then said wow I wish I could eat like her! She told this to the husband as a joke about his wife and how lucky he is. He said please the woman eats a lot, but she works out for HOURS. She always does that! The skinny friend returned and the topic changed….

Something to think about, but I believe anyone can be skinny …its just not the funnest thing in the world to do, but its possible.

Time is 9:40pm and I weighed just now at 252.ZERO meaning 251 is tomrrow!!!

February 10, 2013

Sometimes I weigh night and day. It gives you a hint if you will weigh less tomorrow or not.

Today I believe I had 870 calories, so much for the eat what ever, but I felt I had to stop. Just fear of gaining.

When I went to Target today I wanted to eat really badly…hungry? No. Craving yes, but what? Yes my favorite pizza hut place was inside.

And yes Im shocked too, but wasn’t really wanting that. I just desired something in my mouth, so I sipped on diet 7up as I went through the soda…10 points for me there!

My friend believes diet soda leads to weight gain and some people feel that way too, but this whole time I been drinking diet sodas and diet lemonades. I think the gaining part comes in when I would order two whoopers, with mayo, ketup, cut in half, med or large fries with a diet coke.

The only true bad thing about soda is that it is a chemical.

In seven days my trip to Florida comes and now I believe I will be 240ish.

When I first started all this not long ago, I lost five pounds or three pounds the following day and now Im crossing my fingers to just give me A pound at least!

Right now I see 50, I just need to lose the 50’s and I can be 200 and then it will get harder, but so worth it!

Right now I feel like chewing again and it only comes when my body remembers (my mind really) the times I would munch. No craving just feel like eating something.

Playing my game, talking to my friend, cleaning up some what, listening as I walked to Target and back to my mp3 player and when I walk its a slow pace. The idea is to relax and think or do other things then focus on food.

I saw some really large people today and I really get them. Some may in fact may be on the same weight loss path as me or just going with the flow eating whatever like I did because its hard….its not easy!

 

Another thing is I eat all my food before 10am or 10:30am the latest. It gives my body time to burn it.

For example I noticed this…

Im going to be fair and say you eat so called healthy….because I am never giving up chocolate even if it comes in the form of fiber bars and fiber one brownies!

 

Lets say you wake up and have this healthy breakfast:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your feeling awesome, really good about yourself and this is it!!! Even though in the back of your mind pancakes with syrup and your style of eggs linger.

 

Then comes lunch:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your at work the power of the donut is killing you! At this point you either cave in to what you call a REAL lunch (don’t blame you),or snack on the goodies around you, and if your a stay at home parent its just as worse as your child/kids smile with red ..I mean real red pasta sauce on their faces. Lunch in my opinion is the hardest. Breakfast you wake up trying, lunch is the true test….lets say you passed and made it to dinner.

 

Dinner’s here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You skipped your nightly chips and dip with soda (full calories baby!)

You feel kinda hungry or are you just craving?

You follow the advice of sipping water to ignore hunger….lets just say you made it.

The calories you had today lets say 1500.

You will lose weight depending on your weight the higher the higher the chance in weight loss.

You ate breakfast and your body is already deciding to either store it or burn it up.

Then comes lunch, now your body has to focus on the next mean…then here comes dinner and not counting the possible light snacks.

I believe the body needs a break to focus on what it already has inside of it.

Like really I feel I should eat twice a day, but I want weight loss like now, not the healthy way of 1-2 pounds a week!

I believe if I continue this in 6 months I should be either almost at goal or at it! My goal is 130-135 pounds.

 

People say you should eat at least 2000 calories some say the min of 1200, but really when you think about it…if they say eat less aka 1300 and move more aka burns maybe 300-400 calories in the day….that means anyone on a diet is eating less anyway!

I recall reading online years ago a guy said he rather just eat less and watch tv then eat less in higher calories then he would and have to get up and exercise.

The size zero girl I know doesn’t exercise she just hardly eats!

Theres many ways to be slim, but at the end you have to make sure those calories are less and of course a real cheat day to trick your body as well. Tip never have cheat days 7 days in a row after…made that mistake before.

Todays my day off: Time is 8:36am and woke up to 253.6!

February 10, 2013

Right now I am on my 4th fiber one bar aka 90 calories each. This will be my form of cheat day for now. Once in Florida the real cheat day begins along with serious exercise!

Next up fiber one cereal two servings ine one bowl 180 plus 180 then milk 150 (really less since I hate to use a full serving of milk)

I thought how about a small personal pan pizza? mmmmm no. Its amazing how I had to have that darn pizza daily! seven days a week! My money went down the drain.

Based on the speed of my weight loss I can forget about being 230 heading to Florida on the 17th.

I mean maybe and I hope 240ish? Would be so sad to be exactly 250 on my trip, but I should be glad that I came this far.

 

Today I will take down my profile. It was ok, but I rather match.com and that site you have to be on your slim game!

Going to clean up and enjoy my day off….was suppose to see a guy today, but didn’t hear back from him yet as in where are we going to meet this sunday. I asked two days ago, but no biggie.

Just need to focus on my weight loss and it gets better.

omg two cute guys flirted with me! Woke up at 5am at 253.8 pounds, and racial stuff, fair warning!

February 9, 2013

Right now the scale reads 254.4 pounds, so by tomorrow I will be 253.something again.

Such slow weight loss!

I am doing the right things yet the scale….

I had a rare burst of energy at work even though my thoughts were on …guess? Food. Hungry no, it was like when a guy has a fantasy of a girl running towards her with long flowing hair, for me it was eating brownie after brownie savoring each taste….

My pants feel real loose and I love the feeling of walking in them with such space. These same pants use to be tight on me a long time ago (the size 22), I fit well into a size 18…..I can’t help to smile that maybe just maybe I will slip on a size 16!

I am so thrilled right now I just came from a pedicure and I have the worst feet in history…my feet doesn’t require the cute sand brush…the other tool that saws off the dead skin. I won’t go into any other details, but its best I don’t ever get with a guy with a foot fetish.

Anyway the guy who was doing my feet was a silly, lively, cute asian guy in his late 20’s or early 30’s , but looked great even though he had tattoos on his arm…not a fan of them, but he looked cute…sad right?

Anyway him and his buddy after small talk and I notice he kinda looked at me. He said do I have boyfriend? I said no not yet I am working on it!

Even though he laughed I wasn’t joking. I mean I got these panties saved for my wedding night that says I do on them….Im real serious.

Any way they said asian men know how to treat women. I said really?

Again I am not politically  correct and based on percentages they are right. Nor do I hear asian men creating terrible songs against their own women. Or having babies leaving them in large numbers.

I had to volunteer at a HIV/AIDS center and they had factual studies that were common sense to me.

All races no matter what do awful things, all!

But yes were all humans and all that wonderful Mr. Roger talk, but each racial of human type or whatever tend to have a stronger lean to it.

Like black Americans are known for corn bread and collard greens for example compared to Latinos who have more Latin cultured foods.

Like we see more black guys in foot ball then white guys…is that a lie? No.

We see more white guys in golf then black guys…is that a lie? No.

But based on my time at the center it said the highest hiv/aids rate are in the black race, they also said black men were more likely to cheat on their women. A connection yes. Reason why black women have more of this horrible disease then other races.

The lowest rating was Asians, (the lower the better), then whites, then Latinos and top rank were blacks.

My mom years ago (I was under age aka teen) reconnected with a old friend. The chair I remember sitting in  next to my mom and in front of us was him in his jail suit. They talked and my mom seemed to show interest, but that vanished quickly once she learned of his HIV and he was honest. He even mentioned sleeping with a white woman who claims he is the father before he got locked up and how he is not taking care of a biracial child. As he went on I thought about how this woman is trying to get this man to be a father figure who has zero interest what so ever. Plus did she ever find out about the HIV? Anyway he was out of our lives fast the rest is a hazy memory.

Like the study saying how blacks have a lower IQ has a flaw in it, but came close.

When going through 4th and 5th grade mainly white school, the slower students or ones falling behind parents funded them after school tutoring, when at my home my mom was being abused as I failed to the point teachers gave me the answers along with the biracial girl.

Not all whites have this advantage, but they are more likely coming from two parent homes compared to us…it makes a huge difference and more so when the two parent homes are positive. Not having maybe for example 6 brothers and sisters with one parent trying to make ends meet. In that type of environment the chances of doing well in school are not high, but its possible.

Blacks tend to come from single parent homes, some blacks with two parent homes get mad at those who speak the truth.

Anyway one told me to see him Monday…even tomorrow, but I said no no Monday. I hope I don’t chicken out.

Decent guys are my issue, non decent guys are not since I ignore them with ease by just continuing to walk away.

So yes I was thrilled that these guys coming from a more decent back round already saying they treat women well is a good sign.

I will be honest. I want kids badly someday, but if somehow that Jesus came and said marry that black dude over there I will change religions 100 percent not even going 40 percent Christian. All the women in my family didn’t have great male role models and no they all didn’t get with thugs many were business type guys, dreamers, average, its a myth that all black women are going for thugs so thats why 70 percent of black babies are born out of wedlock not true. Some or maybe many I don’t know, but based on my family not true…maybe one though.My great grandma had a wonderful black husband and because of it she is still living in the home he built many years ago that is in great shape. My great great grandmother had a wonderful black husband  as well. Notice the mention of GREATS not now greats. Some black men out there are good, just not a balanced amount. Its a risk for those who must have them one *shrugs*

If I really did get with my own race I wouldn’t have kids. I was thinking this yesterday to myself. Not interested in being yet another black woman single with a child. Too common.

I do hurt sometimes because at 25 I do long for that father who never wanted me. I refuse to have kids to suffer the same fate.

I mean if I had a divorce I would love to have a guy who still wants to take his kids out, and be with them, ect.

Not divorce and the end.

Weight loss attracts decent guys. being plus size you can too….but the percentage is not as high when thin.

I need to stay focus and not slack just because I got a little attention. I feel that was luck.

Today is proof that someday I will be married, but need to focus and work on getting over being shy of guys so I can say yea lets go out at 7pm tonight (like offered) or yea tomorrow, and sure monday and really show up!

Today the random burst of energy from work and the two guys made me as of now a little stronger from that ice cream sitting in the fridge.

 

 

All I want is to be thin, to wear cute clothes and see single digit 4, have kids then yes work the fat off me!, and have this wonderful marriage with both ups and downs, fun and stress, but never alone. I want my kids to have the life I wish I had seeing a real father figure who is there and never harming me or them, who shows my daughter this is what you seek in a man, and my son who he should be when he grows up. I will have it….just have to continue losing weight.

 

 

What weight loss has taught me: woke up today at 5am with 254.0, time now is 11:02pm and Im 254.4 pounds

February 9, 2013

 

1) People love to joke about this even madtv did a skit with a woman in a fat suit who seemed clueless on weight loss. Most would say eat less move more…..true that works and I am eating less and my moving is the same a hour and a half total of walking that includes walking to work and walking home. Not even counting the walking I do 6 and a half hours of the shift or the stair climbing. Weight loss is just not moving more and eating less its a mental battle. Today I felt weak in the mind to just eat as I please! If weight loss was easy and humans didn’t have a way of coping with things such as drugs, drinking, FOOD, we would all be thin to average weight. The mind controls your will, and everything else! What weight loss taught me is its never easy and its not simple in saying move more and eat less……I mean today I am 254…why not 253 or 252 yet? Things like this can make a person throw in the towel!

2) I can say this as a fact all overweight to obese people have tried a diet before many of times. Doesn’t matter if they become pro self loving plus size men and women or still trying like myself, ALL have been on a diet. Yet people see me who don’t know me and just see a fat person. Not a person who lost nearly 50 pounds from being 300, not a person who now don’t even eat free samples, not a person who now on her days off forces herself outside to go up and down stairs at a train station, nor do they hear my own thoughts of encouragement from myself saying you can do it, keep walking ….ect. all they see is a fat person a fat stranger, not the stress and the sad past that got me to this size years later.

 

3) You have to develop new habits! After work I would stay up tired and dragging in only to eat, pizza’s, other foods in large portions. I knew long ago it was because I was just tired. I have to catch myself at work too and fight the urge for sugar snacks. Now when I get home I get out of my uniform and lay in bed. I may stay up for a hour or two looking at free apps on my phone or the latest news, but then I nod off out of nowhere! Doing this has stopped me from snacking. When I wake up the desires are gone.  I still eat sugar of course, but going over a large calorie amount of sugar alone is a no no for me. It was only two years ago I would eat a whole cherry pie with chocolate ice cream…brings a smile on my face because it is really…..really good! A slice I couldn’t handle, the whole pie had to do. So sleep is my new habit. I would stay up and go to bed with no nap with only 5  hours of sleep left before work.

 

4) Another thing I learned is the mirror can fool a person. Even at 300 pounds I thought well I’m not that bad off. Now that Im 254 pounds I have to catch myself and remind myself that if I can’t fit in at least a size 8 I am far from thin! With clothes on I feel slim, don’t look bad until I get home and change and its all right there. Flabby, large amounts of fat. My thighs are the worse!

 

5) I hate the idea, but weight lifting will be a must for me to stop extreme sagging of the skin. I believe if I start lifting say sometime in March my body will tone up and then I can reduce the lifting….my aim is model not body builder or anything related to it.  They say its a myth women can beef up…A HUGE LIE. I worked with women who weight lift, and take no harmful pills and got arms like pop eyes :O

6) By not lying to myself it kinda helps. Yes I want to be able to run or jog longer then say 10 seconds, yes I love the idea that my heart doesn’t have to work so hard, and don’t get me started on the relief my feet will get at the end since Im flat footed and ankles go inward! And I know my joints are thrilled that after all these years they will get a break, all that is wonderful, but when I said those things my weight stayed the same or increased. Being honest by saying I want to look hot, I want guys that I like …like me back, I want to wear clothes that speak of me, ect.

 

7) Me and my friend still joke that if all it took was confidence the average black woman would be on all magazines, would be in studies left and right about how great we appear, ect. confidence didn’t even get plus size Roise O Donald on cover girl like it did Ellen. Yes we have a plus size black cover girl…but thats another story of how blacks accepted that we should be the fat ones as the beauty ideal when everyone else is looking hot as hell and here we come…anyway back on topic. confidence helps, but it doesn’t promise you anything. I had confidence for a job interview that I didn’t get due to my size. In the real world outside of Barney’s play ground with or without confidence people see the outer you first then learn about you later…if interested.

 

8) Slip ups will happen. I slipped up for years and just now getting it. Will I slip up badly sure, will I gain…yes, will I give up..I shouldn’t. As humans were not perfect and mistakes sometimes make out to be great outcomes. I won’t always be strict and plus when I get to goal a weight gain of 3 pounds is fine since it will be gone within a week or two. *Smaller you are the harder it is I heard*

 

9) Weight loss does make your features look better at least for me. My nose looks cute, still loving the large eyes, and soon you see that being obese or morbidly obese or super obese sometimes can make you appear so different then what you were met to look like.

 

10) After the excitement is gone….then what? Yes work on staying that size, but really what do I have after this weight loss?  I remember last year early sometime weighing 270 something pounds and being thrilled! If I go back to 270 and then return to 255….there is no excitement for me. My life has been so focused on weight loss, how I have been let down and treated based on my weight that when I reach goal other then guys and school what will really take up the space of all that weight thinking, weight studying ect.?

 

11) I will have to eat like I use to, but not to the extreme. Its a known fact that if you eat way less and have some form of exercise (walking) your body slows down in the weight loss department. If you eat badly for one day your body should drop the weight the following day or two taking you out of a sluggish weight loss that may not be moving at all! I know this…but afraid once I give myself a pass I may not get back on track.  I read research that said I should eat a higher amount of calories even chips and cake lol. Just afraid my mind will get a little too excited. I will, but not like I use to. Maybe go to red lobster for their coconut shrimp dish which is beyond good! I promise!!

 

Tomorrow I hope to be 253 pounds. Back then I could eat all this fiber and go rushing to the bathroom like a mad man! Now I only peed today (sorry to be gross), but its not fair!!!! I know if I ate a large pizza and tons of fiber I can go, or just eat 2000 calories worth of fiber I can go, but I can’t when the calories are controlled .

 

I just want to wake up thin….thats all I want.

Woke up at 5am at 254 pounds! Now its 8:47pm and weighed in at 254.8 pounds. Memory lane.

February 7, 2013

Today I had 1000 calories.
Two frozen entrée’s ,one raw cookie dough ball, and  a butter finger candy bar.

I went to walmart for fiber.

I mean this scale is moving a little too slow for my taste.  Fiber should get things moving if you know what I mean.

I bought fiber one bars, and cereal too.

Tomorrow I will have:

Two servings in one bowl (lets be honest the real servings are wonderful for a toddler when it comes to cereal)

Of Fiber one Nutty Clusters and Almonds= 180 +180

Then one serving of that organic milk=150

Two bars of fiber one bars 90+90

Beef Pepper steak frozen meal 290

All the above is 980 calories.

 

Any sign of caving in I get a diet lemonade from the food court or/and a coke zero from a near by corner store.

 

I have to wake up at 5am for work and by the time 9am hits my stomach as of today for the first time in years made a real…I mean a real grumble sound!

Were not allowed to stop and eat until a another hour goes by. Once that hour hit I was the only one eating lunch when the day was just getting started!

I recall a year ago I got the job I am at now.

I remember weighing 300 pounds coming from more of a sit down job being a care giver to a resident.

Yes a stressful job depending on their traits,but some were really kind people.

We did have to get up to clean them, feed, or prepare meals, check their vitals, make sure they were happy. In a nursing home its worse and you will drop a pound or ten! But I worked in a retirement home caring for one and once that job was over. I found another in retail.

I remember seeing a few fat ones like myself both genders, but the skinny ones out numbered us. I mean these were not average skinny women, I mean magazine skinny! These women were in their 20’s and 30’s and 40’s and some even 50’s pulling out the skinny Jennifer A. card!

Then again us fat ones from older to younger were few.

I remember looking at these ladies in envy and shock I even got the job in the first place! The person who hired me a size zero herself!

 

It was hard and still is! Compared to before I am doing way better!

I remember bending over slightly to catch my breath only to pop my zipper apart or the mini buckle that held the pants together.

I went through so many work pants!

These size 22 pants I have now are so loose it brings a smile to my face, but I won’t buy any new ones until I reach a size 16!

 

 

I really needed food for my apartment, but the honest sad fact was that I was dreading it.

I was afraid to enter a store that sells food. Today I was debating can I handle going into the store without eating cheese cakeSSSSS through it? Any time I shopped I was eating as I looked for food items. I wasn’t hungry just a craving.

I had to go I thought to myself if I don’t……I will miss up tomorrow going for foods that are unknown to me in calories that maybe too high right now.

My store trip was a little faster then average. I mean I could be walking around walmart just finnish polishing off their hot bar fries, and walking with cheese cake slices that came in two in hand, then looking for a soda to wash it all down then thinking hmmmm pizza hut sounds really good right now (no joke).

 

Im still not far away from my old self and sometimes I just feel like giving up. I still miss the the fact I could eat at any place, any where, but felt bad after and then my body didn’t look so grand. I miss all the countless flavors I could ever experience.

 

I looked in the mirror, my face has slimmed, my eyes look large again! I saw some male co-workers who work in the kitchen three one at a time came out to say hi….not stupid word got out I’m losing weight and they wanted to see themselves.

I want the skinny girl pass, with the fat girl fun of eating.

Right now I feel like chewing something just because. If I chew gum it makes me hungrier and my stomach doesn’t feel right….like its starving or something. Gum is now on a rare!

 

24 hours in a day…just 24 hours in a day.

 

 

Today after work I was told by strangers: Shake that ASS ….. :( 255.6 pounds..something to smile about

February 7, 2013

Today I woke up at 5am at 255.6 pounds, right now its 10:51pm and Im 255 pounds exactly.

Today is Feb. the 6th and my florida trip is on the 17th. 11 more days.

 

Today I had 520 calories….well really less then that! Had my frozen healthy dinner at work for 280 calories, and from snack machine got a thing of oreos. Saw a co-worker and gave her two of them, so my real intake is 4oo and something?

I remember during the holidays at work I ate maybe around 1200-1500 a day, BUT I was way more active at work. Things have slowed down and the same calorie amount would have me at the same weight or maybe two pounds a week? Nothing wrong with slow weight loss, but I am so on a mission!

When in Florida I have to work out day and at night.

Now that I think of it, need to buy more of those frozen dinners, so good for the amount of calories.

I worked too hard eating real less to gain it all back from a trip to see family.

 

Later in the day at work as I was headed to the food court for diet lemonade passing old favorites, recalling the freedom I gave myself to eat at three different locations…a lareg slice of cake here, a cookie or brownie over there, fries….it never ended to the point one location said if I’m short on cash they will just allow me to pay next visit! Thats how much trust they had in me returning because five days a week I was there.

I was thinking about all this and a small voice was like its ok go ahead you done so well. One treat won’t hurt you. I then thought one treat means a day passes that I could of weighed LESS.

I quickly drank down my med. size lemonade and asked for a refill within a minute. Me and the cashier had a laugh because I really met it that it won’t take me long to drink this.

I just needed to have some flavor in my mouth, something to fill my stomach. Sadly I felt like…I missed food. I mean food where I would eat 2000-3000 something easy a day. I know its all in the mind and more so just mental.

It was hard, but I made it out the food court of many choices.

I saw my crush with his perfect smile, the one I dreamed of, the one I know is not a fan of fat girls, but may consider, the one I will never have and the one I won’t allow myself to have. Also I have had other crushes too….but they have dead off crushing wise. Really theres a another guy I wouldn’t mind having lol. He saw me and we both ignored each other even though we were like a few inches apart. I don’t want to put fear in another guy that a fat girl finds them really …really good looking…it causes them to wonder whats wrong with them to have me even consider?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am sadly a pear shape, I rather be a hour glass really its more balanced.

Pear shaped women are the Beyonces and Kim K’s and J Lo’s or the Niki’s of the rap world.

I don’t want that. Its a curse for me! I want the victoria secret body, the run way body not a video vixen girl body 😦

Pear shape is more heavy at the bottom, apples are more heavy at the top, bananas are over all heavy.

Thats why as I’m losing weight I can wear a large now compared to someone of the same weight and height, but a apple shape may have to wear a x-large, but wearing a smaller size then me in jeans.

I seen super skinny girls as pear shapes too, but looks way better for them. Gives me hope that I too can have a slim figure from head to toe.

After work leaving the parking lot area thinking of the bed that awaits me at home.

A shiny truck with some guys in it, I heard one guy in the middle of the highway at the stop light as I was on the phone with my ex co-worker he yelled SHAKE THAT ASS! I promise you everyone in other cars heard that! It was a latino guy who then again shouted out real loud.

I was walking, not shaking or doing anything. Part of it was I am black and most love to talk about their bums and the men love the bums so perfect that I was passing by on the side walk. I almost stuck up my middle fingar, but stop myself just in case co-workers from work were leaving. I don’t need anyone to say what happened to me AND what I did.

I walked straight ahead and saw that as they turned he took a look back.

How sad and how awful I felt.

It made me a little more stronger to stick to my plan.

I don’t plan on eating under 1000 forever.

My body……as a obese person its best to work out hard when you lose more.

I rather kick boxing or something extreme not your cute, pink dumb bell workout.

Something that will kill calories (so that I can eat a little more) yet won’t give me that manly body look I fear.

 

My stomach feels empty.

I’m not hungry…just feel empty.

Another day at work awaits me tomorrow.

So odd how I was missing a old friend thats not even alive. Food.

 

 

Its like a hot body or cake?

The guy I want or all you can eat?

A marriage or pizza hut?

The choices are simple, but many days and months food has always won.

 

After what happend to me today with those guys I won’t regain the weight to hide myself again.

If I was 300 pounds I know for a fact they wouldn’t talk about shaking my ass maybe something even worse.

I can do this…

In the past male attention both good or bad had me in binge mode.