New purging skills, my teacher wants me to look my best for the ghetto?, confession,and retail work

Each section of this post has a title so you can skip reading on the bad/gross parts.

 

Purging History:

Woke up at 263…and had a binge fest yesterday….

When I was a teen looking at all those runway models, going on pro ana sites and what not I learned of mia which I thought was cool. It was like oh ana has a sister named mia? Learned about both ana and mia, sadly no cute name for the binge eaters who kept it all down…Peggy maybe? I stuck my finger in my throat nothing ever came up and never did years later…I went to super salad.

I had the binge of ages last year in the middle. I ate so much I was almost in tears, I struggled to walk home I was in that much pain…then without trying or forcing myself to my body couldn’t handle it. I puked from super salad all the way home a hour later. Woke up the same weight I did that day before the binge. I was like whoo thats nice! It happened again not my normal binge, but a painful force it all down binge. Soon I was going up on and off two hours later!

I learned over eating and drinking lots of water breathing in gulps of air and walking and running in place equals…release. I just done it after a ice cream and snicker bar over load. This candy must leave. I have work tonight and will pass out the mini bars to others.

I know its unhealthy over time, I found some research it is healthy on the rare to rid your body. I don’t want this to be a habit. So the ice cream will stay untouched until I gain control, the candy will be given out…I mean its happening naturally with the golden finger, its like 4pm here and I now just starting to taste things from 10am! Yes I am a sudden pro to the point it doesn’t matter when due to water, movement, and air. Yes…..in between typing it’s still happening I can stop by ignoring the reflex…but the guilt of over eating on my calorie budget makes me continue for today. I have to drink a little over a half a gallon of water for it to work perfectly…..and you always end up purging both ends. I was 268 due to my binge eating after a reg low cal day. Now I just weighed at 266 pounds. By tomorrow at most I should be 264. Tomorrow I will do better…I promise.

 

 

My Teacher:

Right now Im sporting a wig because its cheap, the style you want is already made, and I can wear my real natural hair out at home and it can breath. I do someday want to wear it out, its not bad at all! I just like some styles.
I put on my size Large pants from the teen section proof Im losing nicely…again. I feel good, but I take it off since it gave my butt too much attention from men who like it, but don’t bring anything to the table for it! So I took it off and wore my normal work pants that are nice size 18, the first pair that had my jaw drop that I was a 18…I recall that moment 🙂
I then put on a regular pink shirt with a horse rider blended its really cute, and then my flip flops. I looked at my feet and its time for a pedi cure! But since I fell half way down walmarts moving stairs causing a deep cut that made me bleed so badly…it was my fault running up in flip flops and not sneakers. So my toe can be placed in warm/hot water then scrubbed. The pain would be too great and a friendly trip to the hospital to save my toe. So my polish is in need of a touch up. Who cared I was going to school, I felt my best, I looked in my full length mirror seeing my future Nicole Richie body, or Kate Moss,strutting with a large smile on my face LOOK out world!

I get to school and was pulled to the side, my teacher is latino, but her students are mainly Africans (The true African Americans) and Latin, few black americans,few whites, and a rare amount of Asians.
I like the students of this class. Long story short my teacher asked me its ok if she tell me something and she doesn’t mean any harm. I said ok with a smile knowing its nothing positive if you got to give me heads up.

She went on how if you carry yourself better….I cut her off and said well I am losing weight. She said weight doesn’t matter. She now appears bigger then me, but I said…uh huh. Sure it doesn’t matter I thought. My body is most of what you see then mini stuff such as hair, make up ect.
She mentioned me getting a pedi cure…not knowing of my toe.
She said if I fix myself up a job will hire me or promote me faster…I was like nooooo really? Before I got this job I wore mini heels, my hair fixed up, make up just for my interview I know the deal…um duh?
She then reminds me how she told another black girl and she did a 360. I was like great?
She then asks the African girls saying you guys are great with hair, they learn this young they of course blush and say yes. Me I was like is this happening? I do say I want micro braids, but its pricey. well I got a deal in the class for 100….but how does she do her work? African women tend to have styles that look….very African appeal,but they do a good job now some do what I really like,but few and pricey. Its ok,but not really for me. Black Americans tend to have the American appeal (the good styles not the um hoodish style no offense).
I do agree its a bargin…but its 100 dollars too.
At the end Im also very picky who does it. I need to see pics, reviews ect.
In my opinion in Florida both black Americans and Haitian American women do a wonderful job most of the time….but Im in Texas…and its rare to find anyone good here.
Again I am picky and have a taste I like.

As I head home on the bus, wig on deck, I look out the bus window. Men with sagging pants, women looking awful, some people look normal, but depressed, police car hidden waiting to write tickets, some wandering the streets, the apartments in the area long over do of some serious paint, and fixing, even the stray cats seem to wish for a better place. I then think wait a minute why should I fix myself up? I then began to have flash backs of me wearing dark with a tint of light brown eye contacts, a form fitting jeans, a nice top, make up so good even a walmart greeter said I had such a beautiful face lol. Guess what happened? Every man in the ghetto honk their horns, trying to call me out hey shorty, or gal overa here!, cars slowed down. There is no way I am fixing myself up for the hood!

I then texted my teacher that I decided its best for my safety that I don’t do all that because it will only attract men with no dreams, and I could be a future rape victim even though I dress well covered. I don’t mind once I move to Austin Tx or somewhere in Addison, but not here in Dallas.
I looked my best yesterday and a guy wouldn’t stop staring at me…he wouldn’t leave as I was talking to my ex co-worker. She waited until I got inside …since somehow after I leave her he follows. I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster and slammed my door shut!

she texted back ok.

She may see this wig until I get my license! Money doesn’t come free and hours are not great. Until then this wig I like stays!

I wasn’t mad and I know she met well…if she really cared she could of paid for it :/

Confession:

Once again I did a test like I use to as a teen of 18,19.
I created a real profile of myself.
Then a fake one of myself.

I then went on to say how I eat 500 calories a day, I am black, hate to work and clean, enjoy going out at your expense and I am very, very skinny…..well I got tons of replies for dates and men even willing to show proof of their degrees and how they would love to be with me. My real profile in hopes of having a degree someday, I love humor, I work and love animals, and I happen to be a plus size woman who enjoys trying new things. Well I got many sex offers free of charge! How sweet of men 🙂
I know the truth and it wasn’t needed. It’s just a reminder that I need to stay focused to have a dating life at least!

retail: Checks clock….5:50pm. Work at 8:30pm time out until were done. So in the dark I can catch the bus, but coming home the bus to the station won’t run. I have to walk then can catch the bus the rest of the way home. My friend always reminds me how if I was thin I could of had a boyfriend who would pick me up…so true. We trade stories of how size zero always had her rides and even free places to stay. Being thin gave women the power to have it their way! Here I am wanting to be there for a guy, encourage him, do sweet things for him and then size zero is getting rides, men wanting marriage, looking for her years later….my only thought is wtf.

Retail is very stressful…dpending on who you work with and for. It pays the bills. I just can’t believe we have to go in at night…should I wear a sexy look in my area tonight? I mean if I can wear scrubs as a nurse assistant and men stopping me asking me how much I charge …..no way I will be looking my best here!

I shall carry on and hope I wake up at 263 or 264 tomorrow. Can’t believe I messed up…

Five more sticks to go before test then license!

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