Back on track…tells stomach to shut up! The dream I had last night of former crush.

I just weighed and its exactly 10:59pm. Now Im 264 pounds đŸ™‚

Yesterday I said I was going to water fast and this is it! (The thought of MJ did flash in my mind oddly)

Instead I failed and ate salad and baked chicken with fake slice cheese with 5 calorie dressing. And yes that awesome atkin shake.

I ate that once I came home from work at 3pm.

Calorie total between 600-650 calories.

I weighed 270 and because of that huge drop in calories went down to 265 pounds in ONE day! I got the same results as if I had water fasted!!!

Today as I headed off to work my stomach started complaining…since I ate only once at 3pm…its not use to that..

I got to work at 6am and by 8am I got tired of the feeling to the point I rushed to the snack machine for debbie cakes (so old school)

Each cupcake is 200 calories so the two equaled 400.

I ate both with a smile on my face the sugar was a old friend that was so good and soft!

I thought to myself this doesn’t give me the ok to give up and have a all you can eat feast.

So I thought to myself ok you ate 400 calories and how wild would it be if thats all you had!

Came 11am I ate my packed baked chicken, with two slices of cheese calories at most with that is 300.

So I thought ok thats 700 calories Im still in the green light.

Then the urge for sugar came….went to Thristy’s and the lady asked where have I been?!

She knows my name….based on the fact I come 5 days a week for her cakeS aka 2 large hunks of a slice.

Even the cookie place saw me pass by and had the wtf look ….I kept going.

Even chic fa lay worker wondered what happened to me.

And I know pizza hut who even tell me over the phone we will see you tomorrow!…sadly they were right. Their personnal pan pizzaS…omg. Don’t get me started on their hershy chcolate dunks that I ate to the point of so stuff I fell alseep instantly!

So since I been gone I been hitting up all these food places everyday…along with Walmart for my cheese cake fix.

Im shocked I didn’t reach 280 yet.

So at thristy’s I told her Im cutting back…this time she didn’t laugh like last time telling me yea right. By my absance for a few days she believes me this time! I told her I would like one chocolate cake please not two. She said I work so hard for me to cut back I deserve it. It was like my inner bad self was in human form! She said are you sure you want one?

I said yes. After I finished and got every drop of chocolate frosting off the buttom I walked out fast!

I told her that her cake has to have 500 per serving. She laughed and said Im funny. I told her of my goals of marriage and the ideal man which she thought I was joking. Eating two slices of cake…pizza…and every other food serving business is not going to help me find the right guy and be able to fully be active with my future kids without being winded after a few minutes.

If I can cut back…I can save more aka leaving this area.

I have a feeling once I get my license and land a second job in it then my move is more promising.

My favorite bodies (most not a fan of the person, but fan of their bodies I want)

1)Janet Jackson *when shes slim like now

2)Nicole richie

3)Kourtney Kardashian The slim one and better looking one in my opinion

4)Angelina Jolie (not a fan of the break up of Brad and Jen, but she stays slim!)

5)Christina Aguilera (back then)

When I came home today I took a serious nap. Now Im up and have to be at work at 7am tomorrow. Meaning I have to be up by 6am…beats 5am any day.

By tomorrow I should be 263 pounds for sure. I had 1200 calories.

Frozen veggies that can be heated up with cheese equals a more filling lunch. The cheese I buy is the fake slice kind 50 calories per serving then the 110 per serving of real cheese.

My dream:

Well yes the biracial guy.

This dream was very vivid and so real. Just like the dream I had a as teen at a mini table with my mom sipping tea telling her this man is no good, you can’t be with him…told her the dream she got with him and another worst mistake.

Anyway I was sitting on this red sofa made for two. He was sitting next to me shyly looking away. I told him that once I lose this weight we can’t be together. You know I would make a great girlfriend, he smiled and said I know, but because of my size you don’t want to be with me. If a guy was open to me I now you know I would be faithful always. Were different, but it could of worked out. I then repeated you understand you lost your chance? He said yes…as he looked at some lady in a slim tight form fitting red dress.

(Red is my favorite color by the way and yellow, orange)

My alarm woke me up for work. Off I went.

If the best guys want the smallest woman I want the best guy in career wise the less I have to eat! I had enough and this shallow ness is wrong! I was told why don’t you date a guy your size…I tried and they too want Barbie and all her friends and mother! Some women are lucky and find a guy with no jail record, gold teeth, tons of kids on the side, and sane and wants to open a business or go to school for something happens to be with a plus size woman…this is so rare.

Some guys do like plus size women, but because of their ego and care what others think they grab a skinny girl.

I was talking to my friend who told me how a guy dated larger women…but in secret and only ate at her place never out, and never took her anywhere. Just sex and take out. Of course they didn’t last.

I have crushes all the time. Its a feeling that may take time to pass. Sometimes its over in a week. Being my size/weight I learned quickly just because you like him doesn’t mean the same.

Work is…slow. I ended up doing all my work and sat down somewhere lol. Others went home early, some just stood around talking, very few of us had anything to do. They don’t like us to go home either the ones that did snuck out and one did ask. I got so bored I started sweeping! I had done all my work by 12:30pm. Tomorrow will be busy though.

At random I think about a old dream I had as a teen. I was a woman in my mid 30’s, with short hair to my neck,looking out a large window over looking the beach, the breeze blows my hair and makes my long white sun dress flow.

If only all dreams came true.

Good night.



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