Archive for January, 2013

Because I’m fat my life is not where it should be….if I was thin, and online dating, and education is important

January 31, 2013


1)It’s a fact is thin I would of been in Florida …and married real soon maybe at 19..20 of age.

2)If I was thin I would have a boyfriend or a guy who likes me a lot teach me how to drive in hopes of being with me.

3)If I was thin I could have no education and skills and still land a higher paying job then I do now..I mean hooter girls in neon 80’s p.e coach shorts make more money then three retail workers.

4)If I was thin I would have a guy to comfort me.

5) If I was thin my life may be almost food less, but full of excitment and new things.

6) If I was thin somehow better things would happen.

Going to HR I learned:

1) My former ride will always have her job and never a write up

2) Crazy people can hold down a job…today she was acting like my best friend when I ignored her the whole day and complained about her.

3) My focus needs to be weight loss, education, marriage equals my happiness and this co-worker will be a old nightmare

4) That they do try to make you feel that it’s your fault.

5) Its either deal with it or quit.

6) Even when you say you had witnesses to her behavior all I ended up was talking and the end.

7) I do like the job, but this one co-worker makes it unreal. I will continue to ignore her, I careless if she says sorry again, I know something mentally is off, but since I was the one going through and not so and so it didn’t matter.

8) Sadly even when I’m gone shes the type who will be there slumped over in her late 80’s in a scooter still there many years later….she wins at the end.


Online dating

Yes I was crazy and hurt and stressed out about whats going on for a job, I know Im fat and knew the results I would get.
Lucky for me I was able to set up that no one looking for sex, no one looking for anything that requires a fling. I had to set it up after that was the only guys e-mailing me!!!!! When I clearly said long term doesn’t mean long term sex for fat girls, I mean I had a guy lasy year and a half ago only stayed in touch with me in hopes for sex, when I told him he will not come to my place for sex he said ok just making sure….likely now looking for the next desperate woman he can find!

So I re joined…..the online world yesterday after over a year of not doing so.

1) One guy in his mid 20’s, loves to party, makes 8 a hour and hates his job, but doesn’t have any interest in any form of education……No goals, party guy…those two are not my type, but emailed him anyway.

2) This one sounds too perfect, he just joined the same time as me, middle eastern and looks cute, educated and has dreams of having his own business someday. We only e-mailed back and forth.

3) This guy was heavy set, but I was open to him of course, but party guy and no goals.

On the same site when I had no picture of myself and just had thin as a body type….I had guys ready to take me out on a date!

Putting bbw/tall I got these guys who were….e-mail happy, but I bet anyone 100 dollars would be willing to meet asap if I was in need of such hard to find sex *eye roll*

All I can think of is I need to master the art of sticking and getting blood from people,so that I can move on from where I work if I really just got fed up! I would of course have a job ready would never walk off jobless.

I can’t wait to lose this weight, have my first real date, my first hug, my first everything from a guy, to own a car, to have a education, and then be able to help others.

This dream is sounds so far away, but once I have a degree in something no one can touch me. I won’t grow old like some making small wage, but have growing bills do to the cost of living.

Going to bed, but happy enddings have to be real.


I want my former ride to be fired and I no longer care!

January 29, 2013

Last night working with her was hell again HELL.

Over the months I have been talking to a co-worker and sometimes she mentions her.

I have learned the only reason my former ride has her job was due out of pure luck!

We don’t keep managers long, so there is not built history because we get new ones who have no clue about her…and its like she gets to start all over.

There was a manager who didn’t play games, write you up asap….but she got promoted, THEN my former ride got hired on as part time. The new manager comfort her ect. because she was going through a second divorce for once I do feel sorry for these men. So her behavior was based on her going through a lot someone quit because they thought she was a manager she was always over them ect., then my managers who hired me on the new ones so my former ride gets to start all over again!!!! No one likes to report the other to the manager really, no one likes to go to HR against the other…another bonus for her. I am the first really to ever complain about her because 1) I need this job at the moment to take care of myself, 2) My family doesn’t live here so I can’t quit and be ok.


I was in great denial about her I would make excuses saying well she had a bad day, and some other lame bull I made up for her!!!

Even people who come to the company to drop off packages who don’t work there told me when she went away that she is BOSSY! TOTAL STRANGERS.


Last night:

1) I gave a guy a compliant on his work, she butts in and tells me to stop commenting!

2) tells me to shhhh, but next min I hear her loud annoying laughter across the store.

3) Watched me highlight saying I HIGH LIGHT WRONG, I go to the manager and she said its fine!!

4) People are getting free candy stuffing them in their pockets ect, I come to get some free candy (I know right?) she tells me to stop it! I expose her telling her why is she always judging me why does she feel its ok to tell me what to do, but not others, she got mad and yelled at me to STOP IT STOP IT in front of OTHER workers!!!


I have witnesses I will be bringing up.


After each epoide she smiled at me and joked like nothing ever happened! Even smiled after number 4 and acting like long term friends. Is she bi polar and controling…maybe but I don’t care!!!


I made a three page letter of what happened and sent it to my assistant manager….our other one was um..removed? we have another new one who knows zero about her!!!


I just downloaded a free recording when in HR I can record the convo for my personnal records, I printed me out a copy of my letter….if this someday ends up as a lawsuit against the company for not doing anything such as write ups ect or if they ever just rid of both of us to solve everything my company or former will be hearing of a court hearing. Thats why Im getting my records straight ect that I did try to stop this, and nothing was done but cute talks between each other!


Goes take a shower….calling HR, and were setting up a meeting because this has to stop.


I don’t want to quit a job over no one I rather be fired then I hope I have a good case.

I would shut up with a settlement though….being honest here.

New purging skills, my teacher wants me to look my best for the ghetto?, confession,and retail work

January 28, 2013

Each section of this post has a title so you can skip reading on the bad/gross parts.


Purging History:

Woke up at 263…and had a binge fest yesterday….

When I was a teen looking at all those runway models, going on pro ana sites and what not I learned of mia which I thought was cool. It was like oh ana has a sister named mia? Learned about both ana and mia, sadly no cute name for the binge eaters who kept it all down…Peggy maybe? I stuck my finger in my throat nothing ever came up and never did years later…I went to super salad.

I had the binge of ages last year in the middle. I ate so much I was almost in tears, I struggled to walk home I was in that much pain…then without trying or forcing myself to my body couldn’t handle it. I puked from super salad all the way home a hour later. Woke up the same weight I did that day before the binge. I was like whoo thats nice! It happened again not my normal binge, but a painful force it all down binge. Soon I was going up on and off two hours later!

I learned over eating and drinking lots of water breathing in gulps of air and walking and running in place equals…release. I just done it after a ice cream and snicker bar over load. This candy must leave. I have work tonight and will pass out the mini bars to others.

I know its unhealthy over time, I found some research it is healthy on the rare to rid your body. I don’t want this to be a habit. So the ice cream will stay untouched until I gain control, the candy will be given out…I mean its happening naturally with the golden finger, its like 4pm here and I now just starting to taste things from 10am! Yes I am a sudden pro to the point it doesn’t matter when due to water, movement, and air. Yes… between typing it’s still happening I can stop by ignoring the reflex…but the guilt of over eating on my calorie budget makes me continue for today. I have to drink a little over a half a gallon of water for it to work perfectly…..and you always end up purging both ends. I was 268 due to my binge eating after a reg low cal day. Now I just weighed at 266 pounds. By tomorrow at most I should be 264. Tomorrow I will do better…I promise.



My Teacher:

Right now Im sporting a wig because its cheap, the style you want is already made, and I can wear my real natural hair out at home and it can breath. I do someday want to wear it out, its not bad at all! I just like some styles.
I put on my size Large pants from the teen section proof Im losing nicely…again. I feel good, but I take it off since it gave my butt too much attention from men who like it, but don’t bring anything to the table for it! So I took it off and wore my normal work pants that are nice size 18, the first pair that had my jaw drop that I was a 18…I recall that moment 🙂
I then put on a regular pink shirt with a horse rider blended its really cute, and then my flip flops. I looked at my feet and its time for a pedi cure! But since I fell half way down walmarts moving stairs causing a deep cut that made me bleed so badly…it was my fault running up in flip flops and not sneakers. So my toe can be placed in warm/hot water then scrubbed. The pain would be too great and a friendly trip to the hospital to save my toe. So my polish is in need of a touch up. Who cared I was going to school, I felt my best, I looked in my full length mirror seeing my future Nicole Richie body, or Kate Moss,strutting with a large smile on my face LOOK out world!

I get to school and was pulled to the side, my teacher is latino, but her students are mainly Africans (The true African Americans) and Latin, few black americans,few whites, and a rare amount of Asians.
I like the students of this class. Long story short my teacher asked me its ok if she tell me something and she doesn’t mean any harm. I said ok with a smile knowing its nothing positive if you got to give me heads up.

She went on how if you carry yourself better….I cut her off and said well I am losing weight. She said weight doesn’t matter. She now appears bigger then me, but I said…uh huh. Sure it doesn’t matter I thought. My body is most of what you see then mini stuff such as hair, make up ect.
She mentioned me getting a pedi cure…not knowing of my toe.
She said if I fix myself up a job will hire me or promote me faster…I was like nooooo really? Before I got this job I wore mini heels, my hair fixed up, make up just for my interview I know the deal…um duh?
She then reminds me how she told another black girl and she did a 360. I was like great?
She then asks the African girls saying you guys are great with hair, they learn this young they of course blush and say yes. Me I was like is this happening? I do say I want micro braids, but its pricey. well I got a deal in the class for 100….but how does she do her work? African women tend to have styles that look….very African appeal,but they do a good job now some do what I really like,but few and pricey. Its ok,but not really for me. Black Americans tend to have the American appeal (the good styles not the um hoodish style no offense).
I do agree its a bargin…but its 100 dollars too.
At the end Im also very picky who does it. I need to see pics, reviews ect.
In my opinion in Florida both black Americans and Haitian American women do a wonderful job most of the time….but Im in Texas…and its rare to find anyone good here.
Again I am picky and have a taste I like.

As I head home on the bus, wig on deck, I look out the bus window. Men with sagging pants, women looking awful, some people look normal, but depressed, police car hidden waiting to write tickets, some wandering the streets, the apartments in the area long over do of some serious paint, and fixing, even the stray cats seem to wish for a better place. I then think wait a minute why should I fix myself up? I then began to have flash backs of me wearing dark with a tint of light brown eye contacts, a form fitting jeans, a nice top, make up so good even a walmart greeter said I had such a beautiful face lol. Guess what happened? Every man in the ghetto honk their horns, trying to call me out hey shorty, or gal overa here!, cars slowed down. There is no way I am fixing myself up for the hood!

I then texted my teacher that I decided its best for my safety that I don’t do all that because it will only attract men with no dreams, and I could be a future rape victim even though I dress well covered. I don’t mind once I move to Austin Tx or somewhere in Addison, but not here in Dallas.
I looked my best yesterday and a guy wouldn’t stop staring at me…he wouldn’t leave as I was talking to my ex co-worker. She waited until I got inside …since somehow after I leave her he follows. I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster and slammed my door shut!

she texted back ok.

She may see this wig until I get my license! Money doesn’t come free and hours are not great. Until then this wig I like stays!

I wasn’t mad and I know she met well…if she really cared she could of paid for it :/


Once again I did a test like I use to as a teen of 18,19.
I created a real profile of myself.
Then a fake one of myself.

I then went on to say how I eat 500 calories a day, I am black, hate to work and clean, enjoy going out at your expense and I am very, very skinny…..well I got tons of replies for dates and men even willing to show proof of their degrees and how they would love to be with me. My real profile in hopes of having a degree someday, I love humor, I work and love animals, and I happen to be a plus size woman who enjoys trying new things. Well I got many sex offers free of charge! How sweet of men 🙂
I know the truth and it wasn’t needed. It’s just a reminder that I need to stay focused to have a dating life at least!

retail: Checks clock….5:50pm. Work at 8:30pm time out until were done. So in the dark I can catch the bus, but coming home the bus to the station won’t run. I have to walk then can catch the bus the rest of the way home. My friend always reminds me how if I was thin I could of had a boyfriend who would pick me up…so true. We trade stories of how size zero always had her rides and even free places to stay. Being thin gave women the power to have it their way! Here I am wanting to be there for a guy, encourage him, do sweet things for him and then size zero is getting rides, men wanting marriage, looking for her years later….my only thought is wtf.

Retail is very stressful…dpending on who you work with and for. It pays the bills. I just can’t believe we have to go in at night…should I wear a sexy look in my area tonight? I mean if I can wear scrubs as a nurse assistant and men stopping me asking me how much I charge … way I will be looking my best here!

I shall carry on and hope I wake up at 263 or 264 tomorrow. Can’t believe I messed up…

Five more sticks to go before test then license!

Back on track…tells stomach to shut up! The dream I had last night of former crush.

January 27, 2013

I just weighed and its exactly 10:59pm. Now Im 264 pounds 🙂

Yesterday I said I was going to water fast and this is it! (The thought of MJ did flash in my mind oddly)

Instead I failed and ate salad and baked chicken with fake slice cheese with 5 calorie dressing. And yes that awesome atkin shake.

I ate that once I came home from work at 3pm.

Calorie total between 600-650 calories.

I weighed 270 and because of that huge drop in calories went down to 265 pounds in ONE day! I got the same results as if I had water fasted!!!

Today as I headed off to work my stomach started complaining…since I ate only once at 3pm…its not use to that..

I got to work at 6am and by 8am I got tired of the feeling to the point I rushed to the snack machine for debbie cakes (so old school)

Each cupcake is 200 calories so the two equaled 400.

I ate both with a smile on my face the sugar was a old friend that was so good and soft!

I thought to myself this doesn’t give me the ok to give up and have a all you can eat feast.

So I thought to myself ok you ate 400 calories and how wild would it be if thats all you had!

Came 11am I ate my packed baked chicken, with two slices of cheese calories at most with that is 300.

So I thought ok thats 700 calories Im still in the green light.

Then the urge for sugar came….went to Thristy’s and the lady asked where have I been?!

She knows my name….based on the fact I come 5 days a week for her cakeS aka 2 large hunks of a slice.

Even the cookie place saw me pass by and had the wtf look ….I kept going.

Even chic fa lay worker wondered what happened to me.

And I know pizza hut who even tell me over the phone we will see you tomorrow!…sadly they were right. Their personnal pan pizzaS…omg. Don’t get me started on their hershy chcolate dunks that I ate to the point of so stuff I fell alseep instantly!

So since I been gone I been hitting up all these food places everyday…along with Walmart for my cheese cake fix.

Im shocked I didn’t reach 280 yet.

So at thristy’s I told her Im cutting back…this time she didn’t laugh like last time telling me yea right. By my absance for a few days she believes me this time! I told her I would like one chocolate cake please not two. She said I work so hard for me to cut back I deserve it. It was like my inner bad self was in human form! She said are you sure you want one?

I said yes. After I finished and got every drop of chocolate frosting off the buttom I walked out fast!

I told her that her cake has to have 500 per serving. She laughed and said Im funny. I told her of my goals of marriage and the ideal man which she thought I was joking. Eating two slices of cake…pizza…and every other food serving business is not going to help me find the right guy and be able to fully be active with my future kids without being winded after a few minutes.

If I can cut back…I can save more aka leaving this area.

I have a feeling once I get my license and land a second job in it then my move is more promising.

My favorite bodies (most not a fan of the person, but fan of their bodies I want)

1)Janet Jackson *when shes slim like now

2)Nicole richie

3)Kourtney Kardashian The slim one and better looking one in my opinion

4)Angelina Jolie (not a fan of the break up of Brad and Jen, but she stays slim!)

5)Christina Aguilera (back then)

When I came home today I took a serious nap. Now Im up and have to be at work at 7am tomorrow. Meaning I have to be up by 6am…beats 5am any day.

By tomorrow I should be 263 pounds for sure. I had 1200 calories.

Frozen veggies that can be heated up with cheese equals a more filling lunch. The cheese I buy is the fake slice kind 50 calories per serving then the 110 per serving of real cheese.

My dream:

Well yes the biracial guy.

This dream was very vivid and so real. Just like the dream I had a as teen at a mini table with my mom sipping tea telling her this man is no good, you can’t be with him…told her the dream she got with him and another worst mistake.

Anyway I was sitting on this red sofa made for two. He was sitting next to me shyly looking away. I told him that once I lose this weight we can’t be together. You know I would make a great girlfriend, he smiled and said I know, but because of my size you don’t want to be with me. If a guy was open to me I now you know I would be faithful always. Were different, but it could of worked out. I then repeated you understand you lost your chance? He said yes…as he looked at some lady in a slim tight form fitting red dress.

(Red is my favorite color by the way and yellow, orange)

My alarm woke me up for work. Off I went.

If the best guys want the smallest woman I want the best guy in career wise the less I have to eat! I had enough and this shallow ness is wrong! I was told why don’t you date a guy your size…I tried and they too want Barbie and all her friends and mother! Some women are lucky and find a guy with no jail record, gold teeth, tons of kids on the side, and sane and wants to open a business or go to school for something happens to be with a plus size woman…this is so rare.

Some guys do like plus size women, but because of their ego and care what others think they grab a skinny girl.

I was talking to my friend who told me how a guy dated larger women…but in secret and only ate at her place never out, and never took her anywhere. Just sex and take out. Of course they didn’t last.

I have crushes all the time. Its a feeling that may take time to pass. Sometimes its over in a week. Being my size/weight I learned quickly just because you like him doesn’t mean the same.

Work is…slow. I ended up doing all my work and sat down somewhere lol. Others went home early, some just stood around talking, very few of us had anything to do. They don’t like us to go home either the ones that did snuck out and one did ask. I got so bored I started sweeping! I had done all my work by 12:30pm. Tomorrow will be busy though.

At random I think about a old dream I had as a teen. I was a woman in my mid 30’s, with short hair to my neck,looking out a large window over looking the beach, the breeze blows my hair and makes my long white sun dress flow.

If only all dreams came true.

Good night.


So you have super long hair, and in a nutshell tanned/bronzed skin…also racial stuff not for every one

January 23, 2013

Im still alive, I went up to 270 😦 Just eat ,eat, eat…..I feel ruined, but tonight been throwing away high sugar foods, forgotten outdated stuff. My ice box now is filled with bags of salad, pre made baked chiken, some atkin shakes, water, and other low carb items such as sugar free ketup,steamed veggies.

I believe before my trip of Feb. 17 I can at least be 220-230. I never weighed that amount in many years and I hope Im seat friendly for who ever is stuck next to me ….hours later.

At 200 with the height of 5’10 I will appear normal. Not fat/thick/chubby/, nor will I appear ultra thin, and hollywood ready. Just average.

The bigger I get the worse attention I get. Like mentioned before just because I’m black doesn’t mean I will date black with gold teeth, and crazy slang with no future. I had three on my tail all day and I had my life flash before me with their kids, another single black woman caring for them alone, and on welfare for life, as he creates more kids else where. I won’t let that be my future and if being a size 2 with zero butt is what it takes I’m willing! I would be awful as a single parent, stress would climb so high, and the food binges to a 500 pound woman, and trying to raise the self worth of kids living in a non safe area, and I have no kids and school is already hard as it is. Just think if I had a child no husband no support…I can forget a education for sure. Just high priced day cares and two-three jobs until they reach 18. From past friends, people I know, family, strangers both black and white women…..when dating and being with black guys…honestly you have to be careful if you want children and believe you will require support from your partner. All races of guys can be awful….but…percentage wise…..

I need 8 more sticks to go before taking the test and getting my phelbotmy license! I still need to learn how to get blood each time. So far just the correct way…but no blood. No blood no job in it.

So a good friend of mines on the large side of things with amazing features, long hair, dress to the 9’s, tanned, kept repeating to me how she has long hair, over…and over…and over, and how she had these great shoes, yet was turned down for a girl with very..very short hair…kinda like susan powters aka fitness lady, but she was average in looks, but just very thin. I said…ok….right shes thin. Didin’t matter if she had no chest, and the face of a stray cat she wins!
I never understood her or others who feel just because they are a great daughter, faithful to God, educated they get turned down by a practicing witch with a size 4 body.

No race is ugly over the other. What makes one race highly praised then the others is if shes slim or not.
Then comes in popular behaviors.
Like my asian friend she has a dirty mouth aka cursing, size zero, but shes thin aka highly viewed, and plus the women have made it out they are mainly good and well behaved, so a few bad asian women or very American won’t ruin the whole lot.
Now for my race they have them fighting, cursing, random acts of dumbness, I was scared as I watched a group of black ladies at it fighting like animals on tv I had to beg for someone I know to turn her channel she refused as she rooted them on! So black women have a huge bad rep. and a few good won’t change that.
Being thin is seen as womanly, but I noticed my race of women tend to want the bodies of the two popular tennis playing sisters. They are great at their sport, but years later I still don’t understand why anyone besides male want the body of a female body builder?

Im going on and on, but I will have my womanly body. I want to be so thin I cause envy and concern!

Its true having larger people in your life has a influence :(

January 1, 2013

Every since that day I was on the phone almost going into the next day talking about cheese cake and getting all excited with my former co-worker who is also obese……….I had stand stills. I no longer enjoyed the freedom of eating whatever I wanted since A) Holidays are over so shipment is still a lot, but its at a normal so my free fitness workout has been cut down from work. Since she talked about cheesecake since I think a month or two ago I been eating cheese cake and chocolate cake daily TIMES two. Before one large slice do the trick now its two plus candy, plus four baked pototoes…..ect. all in ONE day.  I struggled to fight the urge to eat beyond needed, but mentally I can”t stop. Im chewing gum as I speak even though Im full from a large taco bowl, two baked pototoes with cheese and sour cream, candy barS, and a chuck of bread with cheese! I still can’t control myself and the sad part was a week ago and some days I was 255 pounds and still felt fat!!! I was fat now fatter at 262 and likely 263 tomorrow. I was doing so good. I have to keep people like that in text mode only. In text I can quickly read it and move on and even reply, but heariing her voice mention food and the long topic of it over and over for hours just messed up my mind.


I have been thinking of water fasting *Its healthy if your not anorexic*

I tried to cut down, but it teases me and I want more.

I don’t know what to do.

Back to the drawing board and getting back on track.


I need to fit in my plane seat without going into someone elses seat a little and not feel snugged.

Plus I got a few (three) clothes items that I want to fit in for my trip.

I really messed up and here it is 2013!!!


I can’t go on like this I rather just die if year after year Im huge and single.