He touched my hand, learning that hunger pains are normal,and nervous/shy about men, worrying over future sagging skin

I woke up to being 263 pounds at 7am something as I rushed off to work, now its 9pm something and the scale reads 261.1. Im getting so close!

Today I had one large slice of pizza for breakfast that had mushrooms and spinach on top and plenty of cheese! Chick fa Lay is closed since its sunday. I was like what Im I going to do???? I ate the one slice and downed two diet pepsi’s . I will be honest I fought the desire to get up and order another slice…pizza is my weakness!   Lunch/dinner was after work at 5pm something once again at whole foods. For a dollar and 54 cents I got a half a cup worth of beef stew and after like four bites of the rich, meaty good stuff I knew I had to hurry to the corner store for a coke zero! Whole foods weigh the food you buy….so if your ever tempted to binge I guess head on over to whole foods the prices will stop you dead in your tracks!

At work I was all over the store it was crazy busy, and I forced myself to walk up the stairs sometimes riding it half way (I need a break!) I knew going up and down the ladders were burning some calories! I recall the time I was new and was afraid to use the ladder since I felt I would break it…..in order to keep my job I took slow brave steps up the ladder to keep shelter and food on the table for myself. Being morbidly obese on a ladder….what a terrible sight it was and my safety! I kept thinking as I peeked down of falling and becoming brain dead due to the hard fall down. I still think that way, but not as much.

 

 

Here I am up stomach empty not hungry, but at times like this I would just fill it up.

I couldn’t believe I heard my stomach growl a few days ago…..It was a strange sound since I always ate so much through bingeing that it didn’t have a chance to feel hunger. Skinny women chant through out the day how hungry they are is because they wait to feel hunger then eat on something tiny or sip on coffee.

Im still me and I want to eat just because. No hunger, but Im slowly getting better….very slowly. I would feel such shame to have my co-workers see me losing so much weight and to gain it all back right before their eyes!

The biracial guy I use to have a monster crush on and still kinda do, but feel he may like non-blacks…..but I could be wrong kinda maybe it depends. Well he showed me how to do his job as I was helping him in that area and he placed his hands above mines as I was holding the item. He was touching the item, but somehow I felt his hand too and I looked and didn’t want this moment to be over. It felt like it was in slow motion and I was like how nice of you blah blah blah because I felt nervous he is so cute and I play it off because I recall at my largest of him being like whoo what you mean when he thought I was talking about visiting him. I have gained weight because of male attention…never on purpose. Its like you don’t exist, your not human or even a woman, but then you lose a little weight here and there and boom guys see you they know your alive and breath and bleed just like them!

When I first started the job I was 300 pounds. On body gallery you can put 5’10 and 300 and see girls like I was.

Anyway back to whole foods. I got a few mini spoonfuls of beef stew and a lady was kind enough to point out the brown rice….the old me would be like great idea thanks! I told her thank you, but I don’t want that the stew alone is fine. She was shocked lol.

 

I went to the bathroom and thought….someday I will no longer have to place one hand on the tub and the other holding the wall to ease down on the toilet due to my knees. And soon if I can lose enough I will be able to run …my running looks more like a normal fast pace walk, no longer will the elderly out walk me, and no longer when someone make a point to say can I move Im taking up space there won’t be giggling girls near by because of my size.

 

I am preparing myself for the male attention and learning how to say thank you to nice things said and working on not being too upset that slowly Im being noticed.

 

Saggy skin…I was touching and shaking my large upper arms, my inner thighs has a glob of fat pocket in each. I know once I get down a little more it will be time for weight lifting to firm it up. Not extreme body builder women type of work out lol no, but to be lean and less flab and hanging. It would be so sad to lose all this weight, but can’t afford to remove loose nasty skin 😦

 

I have problems sleeping since food helps me sleep as well! A warm baked potato with heavy sour cream and butter would have me knocked out in a few minutes no joke! Or a large pizza hut pizza alone would have me asleep as my body worked to figure what to do with it…mainly get larger.

 

I see morbidly obese women and men walking about trying to wait for a ride, a bus, I see them limping, walking badly, hardly able to go fast. If I pass one I make sure they know they were not in my way because they go into auto sorry mode (mainly the women) I tell them I understand and I tend to get a thank you. No one wants to be that large something triggers things like that, just like no one wants to be a drunk or abuse drugs ect. A sane human wants the best for themselves.

Im going to lay back in bed in hopes of falling alseep soon. I plan on going to school tomorrow.

 

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2 Responses to “He touched my hand, learning that hunger pains are normal,and nervous/shy about men, worrying over future sagging skin”

  1. dietriotgirl Says:

    Hey girlie. I’m glad you are not binge eating anymore. Your body will do new and funny things. Just learn to pay attention to your body’s needs.

    I’ve been thinking alot about your blog and alot of stuff you talk about here. Like i’m new at my job as a bunch of other people. They give us newbies the weird schedules , odd hours. So even though we are part time it FEELS like we are always there working. There is another new girl who is bigger than me, almost double my size. I know I’ve personally been feeling sore. With my job we have to be something at all times, alot of walking, bending, stretching and folding and if your on the register its folding , lifting, bagging etc. We aren’t allow to stay still for a single moment even when there is no customers. Even if every piece of clothing on a display is fixed and folded we have to “make up” work by tucking the price tags or checking hangers match the size. So its all day being active. Thanks to my summer work out I have more stamina. But I’m still big and still being active for hours on end. Plus the traveling, walking and standing on buses. My feet were killing me. Today is my second day off in a row and my back is sore for the big folding project I had Sunday ( i had to fold the whole graphic tee section). So Sunday when i worked last , it was my 4th day of working in a row and I beat. I seen the other big girl walking into our department …limping really badly. So i asked her if she was okay. She looked kind of embarrassed and said my ankles hurt. I told her I understand my feet hurt so much I had to wear sneakers today. ( we are allowed to wear sneakers but they enforce a business causal dress code so it has to be a certain type of sneakers and mine don’t fall under that category but i wore them anyway). SHe looked so relieved to not be judged and my heart stung a little because working there i realized they dont really even think if your physically capable of doing something. I mean i know its a job and its the job description…but still. Like on Black Friday they switched me to the stock department randomly. I didn’t particularly mind cause i originally asked to be switched to stock for the stock over night hours ( figured i could get a second seasonal job). But he told me “go to this guy worker and he’ll tell you where to get the boxes” . SO i did. I didn’t mind pushing boxes out to the floor. But the guy worker was like NO. Its too much. I told him i dont mind. He was like the boxes are on top shelves in the stock room and are heavy. But in the end my boss from my department called HR ppl and they had me back in my department in under ten mins. And they asked me if i wanted to stay in department so i said yeah cause my bosses are really nice, which is rare.

    So i told the girl if she needed help with anything I would help but they put her on the other side of the department that day and I tried to venture over there but I was busy on resister and i didn’t see her again for the day 😦

  2. ebonnie Says:

    Yes no binging! I notice I can feel full sooner since the binging stopped. Yes the new people really have no say so since they feel your desperate and will take what ever they give you, the people who been there for a year or more can say no most of the time. You brought back old memories of me limping after work, having to sneak and sit through out the day, my ankles would hurt so bad I felt it was amazing how I pushed through such pain, and yes the job requires you to limp, bend, ect. and you need the money so its not like at the interview your going to say you can’t…..you may never get a call back if you do! What was your summer workout? That was beyond kind of you to be understanding of her and to offer your help (bless you!) and lucky you that they understood that hey that looks too heavy for you instead of letting you struggle as if your muscle bound!

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