I felt like a princess, body pains from weight, and the battle continues to be 250 something.

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Right now its 8:33pm. Today I weighed at 264…two days ago 263, it all goes between 263-265 pounds. As normal I woke up at 5:06 am for work (thanks due to the invention of the alarm). I fight the urges each morning to eat so early because trust me on our mini break I will eat again no matter if I ate 5 something in the morning or not. It pays off because I enjoy a chick fa lay breakfast barrito at 10am which has 500 calories and I drink two cups of diet lemonade and in exactly 2-3 minutes I then feel full…so strange to sit there and know you can fit more, but if I wait it then hits and I feel full. I head back to work making sure to walk up the stairs not ride it. I ignore the desire for a 400 calorie reeses peanut butter cup from the vending machine. I work going up and down the ladders, rushing to meet my goals at work before the day is over, tired as what, smiling all day long to random strangers and co-workers as I pass them by. On my lunch break I play with my phone app at 11:30am and I now have a new habit of staying in the break room. Both mini break and lunch break I would be out in the mall in the food courts in the past. Just in case I stay in my work place to ward off any temptations for extra mall food which has tons of calories. Oh and I started the skinny girl chant at work…IM HUNGRY…and we did it together lol see the super skinny ones don’t eat breakfast either at 5am something before coming in, but one did get desperate and went for black coffee and later another did. At 4pm after work I went to whole foods and they do have more skinny shoppers then walmart. If your small you don’t have to spend a boat load of  money to fill you up plus you  gotta keep that model body down pack! I got 6 squares of tofu from their hot bar, and three small spoon worth of mac and cheese, and a cup of water melon. I was afraid to eat it almost since I knew if I didn’t eat anymore I would be slimmer tomorrow for sure hands down! I ate it anyway…it was small and cost me under 6 dollars a rare treat for myself and it was really good. I left whole foods and continued my walk home, but got a diet coke to settle me. The battle continues to be 250 something.

Its hard because now where down to having one day off a week due to the holidays. I have been so tired I went into a texting ping pong with my long distance friend that I am a stock worker our job gets hard and I can’t talk, she was saying please, I was saying lets text until I fall alseep….well I fell asleep anyway. Longer hours, and standing on your feet for hours plus im heavy with it…tires me out! Sometimes I limp, but not really like I would at 290 pounds, my feet still hurt badly that when I wake up in the morning I have to take it slow and ….slowly stand up for balance and to get my feet prepared to holding me up. My ankles go inward, plus Im flat footed, and obese …its all too much for my feet. I google other obese people with jobs standing up and I really feel for them because the pain can be so great you want to call out from work, but bills….thin people feet hurt after a long day too, but not as great as someone of my size. Also my knees feel so weak at times, but still through pain I try to go up the stairs, sometimes I would hear my knees making cracking sounds! My joints in general should get better with less weight on them. My back hurts and neck and I know its due to my job, but can’t help to wonder if I was smaller would the pain still be there , but just less?

Everyday now in my size large shirt…not a xx or x or any other x..just a large with my baggy size 24 work pants…not buying any new pants until Im a 18. I found out from body gallery I will be a size 18 once I weigh 250 something. I have been told by coworkers wow your losing weight, what are you doing? Yes Im losing inches due to the stairs and at some point after several years of being 260 something and up my body will have to give in and let me win to be 250 something! When I first started my job at 300 pounds about 10 months ago the same pants I wear to work were a perfect fit, the same large shirt I wear now I couldn’t even get on…I told the manager a long time ago let me have it because someday I will get in it! I also have a medium in my uniform and I still have my xx shirt and other x shirt as a reminder not to go back! I tell people who ask that I just eat 2000-2500 calories a day…yes a lie but not wanting to hear I should eat more…I did that…and gainned or stayed the same …kinda. If I eat more that means right after work I need to burn the excess calories off…my feet are no good for that right now, I fear jump roping since my knees maybe ruined, and after a long day at work I am not in the mood to do anything. My former ride saw me and said look who is losing weight….she went into how I need to figure out what makes me binge and why do I use food to cope ect. I said yea your right…and she is…and I know what it was and why I do it…my child hood fear is long gone and now I used food to just de-stress…and I mean food can taste so good I want to experience the flavors all over again. Cheese cake anyone???

Four days ago was the dress up day. The day I dreaded, the day I was suppose to be a size 16 for, but taco bowls and cookies took that goal away. I really tried even ordered the veggie soup ……and got a side order of a three cheese sandwich and two cups of Hi-c punch…..but then there were days I did really good and kept doing good I got back into my early 260’s! I went to Jc Penny and got this silky red top, and the pants. The size 20 pants that made my week. Never thought I be happy to see a 20…beats being a 24 for some years. It took me a hour to find shoes since I only own one pair of sneakers and flip flops, heels a no no since Im 5’10 plus I can’t walk in heels due to my ankles and size. I got my slip on’s that look dressy from pay less for 16 dollars and something. A size 12 in womans due to my weight and the more weight means my feet are wide and requires a larger shoe size.  On that night putting on my outfit…..my make up, shoes and pants. I went to work and everyone was amazed….even I! I was stop by many who told me how great I looked, I got second looks too, I was so shy about all the attention. Here we were working hard and people were amazed how smaller I look and how great I looked I didn’t know how to handle it. I try to change the topic or hurry off, but still got met up with others who couldn’t believe it was me. I know this is wrong, but ……yes everyone looked great, but my one coworker who runs and jogs daily, pumps weights….had the calfs of a man …I mean like a greek God. I was like omg. I had to force myself to stop staring because those calfs went through alot of weights and muscle powdered drinks or something. I mean I never seen a woman with those type of calfs 😦

It reminds me of the two popular sisters who are great at tennis. There are body types I pray and hope I never ever get. I don’t want the calfs that can out due a mans, I don’t want the muscle bound thighs of a wrestler , nor do I want the vein popin neck of a serious jock! Anyway back on topic I felt great and knew I pulled it off even the guys noticed. The next day I still had others coming to me who said they met to tell me how great I looked. I even had size zero and for the third time mention how great my hair looked….um my body is not my hair, but I told her thank you and we all look great which was true. Wearing those flats had my feet in a uproar no inserts or any true support…I had no choice since it was either wear men dress shoes ..lol yea….or nothing at all. It was a struggle to find that pair at pay less.

Today at work I caught two coworkers staring at me two girls. I guess everyone sees that I won’t be the jolly fat stock worker everyone loves to laugh at due to a unnatural weakness to free pizza at work. I was told by a laughing coworker weeks ago that the girls said I treated that free pizza our boss got us like a all you can eat place. I didn’t care and you know what I did and the one who told me he did too (But somehow men get a free pass fat and all) ….and guess what some was left over such the skinny thing to do complain or joke that I ate…6 slices, but don’t touch anymore yourself why does it matter? I guess I was suppose to eat just at most 2 slices and leave the rest to be thrown away….um….even if thin I will have my bad days to eat as I choose to!

It feels good to be losing inches, and that slowly I will be 250 something.

It sucks I can’t eat whatever like before I could be craving a loaded baked potatoe….that was fine, two hours later its pizza hut……then three bowls of cereal with a side snack. It never ends. Its like do I want my ideal guy or a mc donald meal, holding hands with a loving gent or waiting in line patting my foot  and wondering why does this lady take so long to order a simple burger Im hungry!  Could be watching old movies with my future husband or counting down the days when I can buy cookies from the locale girl scouts, the list goes on and on.

Im fine not hungry and no desires, but the desires come on and off.

Just glad I maybe starting to lose the weight.

I have to be honest with myself. I told my long distance friend that if it wasn’t for men and the desire for a decent guy I would be 500 pounds bed bound and she agreed me too. I also want to feel no pain in my feet and ankles everyday too. I would be lying really if I said I want to lose weight for my health when really its to wear a two piece swim suit and sexy shades in hopes of luring a cutie over!

I still have my crushes and as I lose weight I notice they see it too. Once at goal please continue on. I understand in the future any guy I get would have never looked at me at my current size. I rather date a stranger then someone I have worked with at my job for almost a year who saw me as a fat girl threat to his ego or a joke behind closed doors. Lets keep all work relations as if I was 300 pounds and any other obese weight….the fun begins real soon…

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