Archive for December, 2012

My knees hurt so bad (due to my weight and cold out)

December 18, 2012

Since my boss got fired last week (reason unknown, but reasons are out there), our assistant manager has been more kind to us. In fear of losing her’s maybe? At work its been stressful once with former ride, and trying to meet deadlines by this work has to be done at this time and every one must hurry fast and these long hours!

Right now I feel like buying a cane and use it only for when I need to stand up from a seat, the toilet, the bed, just anywhere that requires me to use serious motion of my knees. It hurts so badly. I do recall my knees hurting before, but to the point I have to clutch my teeth tight as I slowly get up in pain….no.

I read sometime last week a man in his 40’s lost over 200 pounds, he is happy of course….problem is his knees are no good. Will I be the former fat girl with ruined knees from carrying all this weight for years and with sagging loose skin all over me? Its like part of me says you should just stay fat.

By lying to myself in the past sometimes saying I’m losing weight for my health…I got bigger.
When a guy took interest me (really I discovered to lay with the fat chick as they like to call us) I would eat less, exercise was hard, but I did it. Honestly yes weight loss means I can move a little faster and jog. When really my reasosn is to fit in this nice clothing piece, or get that cute guy.

It’s terrible though to have to hold on to something to lift yourself up to try to reduce some knee pain, my feet feel fine right now, but my knees are killing me. I used the instant pain spray, it works for a few minutes. Pills I’m not too much of a fan of after my Midol sickness, and I been off prozac for almost three weeks. Its a good pill, but I feel I can make it without…..really the low dose is pointless! I won’t allow my former ride to stress me out and make me unhappy. I had many good work days since she is away from me most of the time. Prozac is a false happy feeling which I don’t mind at all!
I will just learn to find ways to cheer me up….mmmm former ride acts like a crazy person….(in cave person tone)me go to HR lol. If I did that to her…she would feel destoryed! She is in her 60’s making her cap off of 11.30 a hour. Again in her 60’s with zero education just issues and bitter feelings and quick to anger. Based off that me wishing that she retire and just leave…won’t happen. People like that are there forever….and ever….and ever….until they can’t barely move any more.

For now I will continue my weight loss, I had some slip up’s and then Im back on track.
I now can jog a minute and 30 seconds straight ūüôā

I can see my wedding…my future wedding and Texas behind me and its odd people.
Dreams on…

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Total stranger with a hole in his neck grabs my fat arm on purpose!!!! Former ride again.

December 15, 2012

A hour¬†and a half ago after a long day at work (again) I decide to head over to walmart¬†to get a few cooking items…eating at the mall is too pricey and after buying x-mas gifts I need to cut back on the spending. I found on spark people a cool recipe to make chocolate cake using only tofu and cake mix no eggs or milk!!!! I thought that sounds like less calories¬†for a favorite of mines. I am done buying 2 dollars a slice of chocolate cake at the mall and 2.50 for a normal size brownie at the mall I even told them thats why they hardly have business due to the high prices!!

I even going to make home made pocket pizzas that will of course have less calories and tons of lettuce and mushroom for bulk.

So anyway I go into wal-mart. I see the huge tray of cakes chocolate stands out so nicely. Hershey, deep chocolate cake. I place one in my cart and as Im looking for whole wheat pocket bread for my pizzas (pita bread) I was like oh yea Im going to make my own cake! I place the cake back to find the things (tofu, and whip cream for topping) I needed to create my first cake ever! I asked a employee where is the tofu and he laughed and said I never looked for tofu, but it may be over there!

I laughed because I do get the hidden joke as a black person many of us are not racing out for tofu.
The tofu is next to the lettuce makes sense I thought.

All of a sudden a man with a voice of a harsh frog who has been choked and lived to tell the story came and looked at me. He was a black guy in his late 50’s to early 60’s. He had a napkin over his neck and once he talked the white couple who were looking at tofu with me got the heck away and I regret not joining them. He sounded creepy due to his throat.
He then says holding his neck so he would be able to speak words…without holding his neck only his lips would be moving with no words.

He then tells me he is glad I put the cake back….and me being in the salad area was like I thought to myself um no cake let me go for rabbit food for my health (rolls eyes).

I thought at first he was looking for help, but after he said that…..

I said no I put it back because Im¬†making my own cake at home. He then tells me my butt is pretty large and that I don’t need any cake!!! Yes a man with a hole in his neck from his own addiction of smoking is talking about my body and health!? Cake is not going to leave me with a hole in my neck. No morbidly obese person has a hole in their neck from soda’s, cake and cookies, and pasta NONE. I told him that I will just call 911 since you are clearly bothering me plus there are police in this Wal-Mart. He then starts walking away saying he don’t want no trouble and sorry for¬†bothering me, I said uh huh and if you continue I have no fear calling the cops.

Like I said¬†before at my job they knew I was 300 pounds when I first started I told one today as she said Im¬†looking so much better and how my waist going in (and shhhh¬†been eating chocolate¬†cake 4 days in a row!). My job recalls me limping daily no matter what. They recall me at my largest. I now can go up three flights of stairs without stoping…I still breathe super hard trust me, but I have gotten better. Outside of work total strangers didn’t see me before and now and really rude comments exist, but keep it to yourself or talk to someone else as long as I don’t hear it!

I was dead serious about calling the police, in middle school was unpopular snitch. If I see it and if my life is at risk too 911 to the max!! I love our force and yes some bad apples exist in any job, but I have true respect for officers always.

I was more taken a back by him feeling his addiction which was smoking which caused a hole in his neck had the nerve to feel he was the subject of good health!! I hate being fat, but rather be fat and have a neck. It takes me back during my shy teen years and I had to be 230 pounds and 5’10¬†in height. I was chubby to some, fat to others and not too bad since a stranger pointed out this larger woman and said look how fat she is just nasty to look at. I was shy, and shocked because I was fat too, but my height gave me some grace. And yes the woman was a smoker.

Also me eating a whole cake daily won’t cause lung disease either.

Enough of that and once Im¬†thin like really thin people will love you and people will hate you.Thats why I think of Britney Spears because I wasn’t a fan growing up ….I was jealous of her I admit that, people were like Britney this and that. Her life so perfect and her perfect words and beats. Her name perfect it was just so Britney! Then she left my crush Justin for K-fed…yes I was happy…Im guilty. Then she put on weight….she seemed human, then she shaved her hair and tried to knock the windows out of her ex car I believe….next she was crazy, then her melt down….all this and millions know of her un-perfect life…I listened to her music and now a fan of it. I understand its not¬†her voice I heard and someone writes her songs….but I still like it. I allowed me being jealous of her to almost miss out in her wonderful music and to learn that if I think me being embarrassed in public is something try being Britney spears and have millions see your life! I am a fan, but not a fan.

Me and my former ride got into it today. I was in a rush to hurry. She looked upset…..I recall many of times in the pasts¬†that she¬†just come to work looking mad and I would ask her whats wrong and she would tell me I don’t know its just some days she is moody. She is in her 60’s, but its not the age because many 60’s something and older people men and women are such good folks….and sane.
I was going to the elevator and she the opposite direction, she yelled angrily to wait for her!!! In my mind Im like whoooo huh? I kept going and said I will if your coming now!
Next were both in the elevator. I ask her why is she angry? She says: IM SICK! I say thats¬†interesting since when Im sick I don’t randomly yell at people nor have the strength to anyway. She then says you can wait 30 seconds. I give her the silent treatment.

I have waited before only to be standing there waiting 3-5 minutes!!! I then just left after.

So I walk out and then say let me hurry and get out your way. I then head to HR and they are busy. I thought ok once she is finished¬†I will then complain about my former ride and her behavior. That christian co-worker don’t play games and my former ride knows not to cross her, but me its ok. My friendly face equals doormat to many. I thought to myself that black guy knew not to bother some of the heavy black shoppers in walmart¬†twice my size because they would tell him off! He also knew¬†not to bother the other shoppers who were non-black….another issue of men of my race who do bother black women, but know better when it comes to other races….not all of course since my ex step dad did mooo out the window at a heavy set white lady. I was so angry because mooing at her was like mooing at me too ūüė¶ I still wonder how did that stranger cope with his remarks out of the blue from nowhere driving by? I know how she feels though.

I don’t know if the voices in her head talked or what, but she came to my department to apologize to me. I was shocked. I w as like God must be on her side today because I was waiting for HR to finnish to report her there not my manager but HR.
She even said she works hard to avoid me and I told her good. In the back of my mind yes if you want to keep your job!!! She said I trigger her when I say I can’t wait.
I got honest too and said let me tell you this.
We had total strangers who don’t know you or me saw how you acted and told me your bossy and whats her problem?
That hushed her up!! She then just said she came to say sorry and that shes¬†sick and by me saying I can’t wait triggered her response¬†….when she came angry to work naturally.

What a day…Im tired, but going to foce¬†myself to make this tofu chocolate¬†cake. I want to upload pics, but so lazy to find out my pass word ect. to do so.

I still can feel his nasty fingars touching and lightly clutching my large upper arm….the place that is last to slim down for sure. So far it has been my middle and my thighs that seemed to change. My upper arms look the same and able to swing and anyone can grab a handful. I know for a fact if I said hey I wanna date you he would still take my large armed obese self in a heart beat why? He has nothing to offer only show and tell of his hole and how he got it.

I know someday this will all be behind me and Im only maybe 80-100  pounds away from my ideal guy someone with GOALS, and wears a suit sometimes, and wants to have a family.

The funny things men do to clearly say no fat women when it comes to dating online.

December 12, 2012

I have read in the past many ads looking for that ideal guy years ago.

I have ran tests like my long distance friend as well and just in general read ads for fun.

My size zero pal hates exercise a lot and won’t do it….yet a fitness buff who says must enjoy exercise will still date her….hmmmm.

Later on guys have gone blunt and say NO FAT GIRLS…even if they are fat themselves just no no¬†no fat girls.

Some men are ……gentle and use words to say in other words no fat girls.

1) Must be active (This is another way of saying that plus size women are not active so I will only lure in thin women)

2) No bbw’s…yes men have gotten smart enough to understand that this does not mean big breasted women (many thought thats what it met)

3) They now ask for you to weigh 150 or under or such and such size. Some men are starting to learn about women sizes to prevent from getting a larger woman or to make it clear they like model digits.

4) Men would go for average size women, but too many larger women abused that word under how would you describe your body? Curvy is abused by large women who do think rolls are curves and by men who consider the Jessica’s Alba’s of the world to be curvy…I guess if you look at her joints they are curvy.

Real Curvy women is a genetic body shape (never due to being overweight, or ultra skinny. I have seen pear shapes that are a size 4! Hour glass aka body shape is genetic. When I typed in curvy I got chubby pear shaped women, just plain fat women, very tiny in weight women with a tight belt :/ Curvy is larger breast top and hips and a small middle not apple or pears, and rulers. You can get the hour glass shape (breast implants I have notice make a person appear curvy)

5) Attractive women only! Now to men they really mean thin woman. I seen some women who look like they should be thinking the heavens he over looked their butter face and just focused on her from the neck down!

6) Some men go into saying on their profile I prefer¬†thin women because I don’t want someone I love to die on me. So¬† out of deep fear of a dying mate its best to to¬†be bothered? Based on that a person should stay single since we all die at some point! Thin women (both genders) die of cancer from smoking and some related to non-smoking, thin women I have met have high blood pressure even though they jog and are vegan! Thin women get diabetes and sometimes born with it, thin women can get diseases, thin women can get hit by a car and since she can no longer jog and what not gain weight wheel chair bound (happened before) due to that love do you leave her since she now gotten fat? I understand being overweight can bring on health related things, but being underweight too and in general healthy weight as well.

Other things are used to say no fat women. Some are friendly about it and others are very blunt.

Some even make youtube videos of what to look out for to not risk getting a fat girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4CXmrfFH88

Men are not innocent either. Thin women have complained they see a cute guy only to see a very large one come, or he is not 45, but 65.

Both genders tend to lie, but not all. You can meet con artists and liars, and any others without the internet.

People are really not fans of larger people…..

December 11, 2012

Im still large, Im still considered obese even though Im tall Im far from being considered just over weight.

It beats being morbidly obese like before.

People do stereotype each other no matter what really, but to go against the plus size folks is still legal in the media ect. Its looked bad if you are rude against someone’s race, religion choice, but their size you get a few amens¬†in your corner. It was proven in a hidden camera show of a thin waitress aka a actress¬†telling a overweight¬†customer aka another actress she doesn’t need that and she should try a diet…..and get this male customers were on the thin, blonde beauty’s side and some of the men were chubby themselves! They even agreed that by telling a paying customer she doesn’t need to eat that was the right thing to do.

stereotypes¬†do come from truth at the same time. I was the fat girl with sweet snacks never ben and Jerry’s¬†just mc’donalds¬†and Hershey¬†bars. I didn’t like too much exercise and there are thin people who hate it too, but they eat less…I didn’t. I did smell when it gets too hot outside 100 degree weather and had to take 2-3 baths during extreme heats to smell right not musty. Once I discovered sweat pants sometime last year that was my new love made me appear that I was about to exercise yet just a comfortable way to hide any extra growing pounds. I stayed home and still do for years every week end…why go out to watch thin girls get all the action?¬† My long distance friend stop dating…yes she is now getting men due to weight loss, but she is still considered fat for her ideal type of men, but her weight loss at least got cheap cuties who had her pay for her dinner or movie (they paid for something), or paranoid¬†men who fear she is bigger then she lets on, but she gets decent guys¬†compared to me still who are gay men on the DL (gay voice, and hand on one hip and the slight knee bend us girls do), or guys looking for a fast sex. Since my weight loss these men have increased! I know the lower I go it will get better.

Because of me I and others have created stereotypes for obese,and overweight women and men who were not like me! Sure I enjoyed healthy foods….but candy was a past weakness. Its like the loud black person who creates the stereotype¬†for other blacks who are not loud. The bad no¬†matter what stands out the most then the good. In psychology they say people recall more bad then good.

 

Since my mini weight loss of near 50 pounds total.

Again today the girls who never said hi, or anything stop me to say hello!!! I been at my job almost a year now and I was like whoo. I saw her, but kept going because part of me remembers that they are not really into me like that, but I was stopped!

A guy who is very serious, never said anything to me, even looked at me in disgusted¬†when I was 300 and laughing over something….two days ago I got me some really nice ,light blue underwear with some ruffles lol. On them it says I do….yes on the panties it says I do! I got them since I plan on saying those words someday Im¬†giving myself two years…where is he? I don’t know and I don’t care I am marrying somebody! Well he saw it and made a flirty¬†joke!!!! My fantasy guy in suit was near by grinning too. I tried to wait until they left, but I was like forget it girls wear these and Im buying. I was so shocked at the joke!

I been told again that they are happy I am trying to lose weight.

I get some respect now too and its so strange. I do understand some people can be jealous of weight loss from others, but so far things are good!

Im¬†boiling eggs now its about 10pm my time and I have to be up at 4am…yes took a nap. Im¬†starting a egg fast lol…..google it!

Once I become a size 8 then I will start dating as I aim to be a size 4.

Even two older men who ignored me and passed me by now stop me to say HELLO.

Its unreal. I know for a fact if I gain it all back that would be a huge failure in their eyes.

Its like people judge overweight people badly and when they see your losing weight they feel you now care for yourself……yes I care for myself enough to lose weight to improve my walking….I can now run…for 10 seconds straight on and off. And so I can marry my ideal guy. I promise I won’t put it back on after the wedding.

Like¬†a 400 pound man out in public….how do we know he didn’t recently lost 150 pounds?

How do we know that he binge ate because he lost his mother or father?

What about medical reasons?

It doesn’t matter to people which is sad.

 

Right now my focus is to weigh 230 something pounds from my egg fast or egg fast then go back to just eating less.

I no longer fear eating. I ate badly two days ago went up one pound and lost two the next day. Im¬†257 pounds now. I see that I don’t need 5-10 pound gaining room. If caught in time I can lose that one pound and still enjoy my food. Im proud of my friend with her salad and yogurt, but a life as a former fat girl I couldn’t live like that. I need flavors and bad stuff now and then…maybe every other day really!

After work when I leave Im¬†just another fat girl walking. No stranger knows I was once 300 pounds limping to work and then coming home unable to walk to the point I had to crawl on the floor to the bathroom, or when I worked at walmart I faked sick because I had been standing on my feet the whole shift and could not walk for 24 hours, or crying because of how large I was with so much fat flesh, or being told by my ideal guy that if I lost x amount of weight we could be bf and gf ,or being the fat joke, or somehow taking up space when really any size did too! I know for a fact I should be married by now if I was thin. Yes I can be plus size and married….but to my type..no.

If I can be 200 pounds ….omg. Thats so close to a wedding ring. I know I sound crazy, but everyone has a desire!

 

 

Yesterday I was 258.6, now im 259…..

December 7, 2012

Yesterday I screamed after years of being 260 something or more I ended up in the 50’s I didn’t know what to do! I did my diet like always…..caved in to a slice of cake from whole foods and a personnel pan pizza from pizza hut and 5am I woke up to 259.0 from 258.6.

I always weigh before work aka 5am and after work 4-6pm.

This morning 259.0 I was like well at least I enjoyed my cake and still in my 50’s.

Now its 5:43pm my time and now I weight 260.4. Meaning tomorrow I will be 259.something.

I had three atkin shakes which were 160 in calories each, one at 5am, another at 9am then 10am, then a slice of pizza and after work two cups of water melon and a coke zero. All that for sure is 1200-1300 calories. More then what I been eating calorie wise, but hopefully I can do this for a moment.

Mini goal be 255 pounds, bigger goal get in my 240’s!!!! I would feel too hot at 240 lol.

Co-workers both male and female were making comments about my weight , all were amazed and proud of me….proud!!!! Some tried to quickly glance me up and down (like I wouldn’t notice) and pretend they were not looking. Im¬†enjoying the feed back and attention, but I would enjoy it way more if I knew I had my first¬†v- date in Feb.

I got the best¬†positive compliment ever today a long one saying how Im¬†doing so much better ect. and Im¬†able to walk faster and she is still shocked I out walked her….I understand shes like a size 6 me a 18.

I just told myself don’t get too comfortable or its back to for sure 60’s…then 70’s and then everyone for sure will be like what the hell happened to her?

My assistant manager has been giving tons of space. More helpful ect. She saw I ignored her , but shes gotten better for now…I still will write anything that she or anyone does out of hand. And will try to get a witness to sign too. I come in for a pay check not to deal with anyones off the wall behavior.

Im not eating anymore today and for once I i’m¬†feel on my way.

In Feb Im going to visit family….can I be a size 16 by then???? Or wishful thinking….time will tell.

Im pissed off hours later!!!!!! *Yup work related*, some good news, and had food sex talk last night

December 5, 2012

I will admit I hate…hate …..hate my assistant manager. Yes she hired me on many months ago, but doesn’t change the fact she is rude.¬† Shes like my former ride, cool, seem nice, but bites hard and with my former ride her acting nice I would forgive and forget, try to brush it away ect. over time it became too much. The assistant manager got other people complaining about my former ride about how she is….all is ok between us, but I either don’t see her the whole shift, or rarely. Before I would see her hours in a day. Now the assistant is becoming too much. I brush it aside, even joke with her when she is acting normal,I never complain or report any unfair treatment such as why so and so and me always the only stock workers who have to clean up one level of the mall? I do it.¬† Im not the only one who has complained about our assist manager. my former ride too (her twin!), and other co-workers, but everyone’s afraid to speak up… TOGETHER. Not one here and there, or we just stay hushed up due to fear.

Since the holidays I been working 8-9 hour shifts. We all have one day off. Im¬†the stock person people can count on to say yea I will stay after working 7 and a half hours since 6am!!!!! So today our manager asked if I could stay….it was time for me to go home I said well let me think about it. I went up stairs to put a item¬†back, and decided ok I will help them box and gift wrap for 20-30 minutes thats¬†better then zero right? I head down to tell him and BOOM there she is, even other workers once they learn that she is there they turn around and walk the other way!!¬† She is blunt and will say rude things or her tone of voice is horrible in front of others.

So she asks me Im¬†I¬†staying? I tell her just 20 minutes…she says what will 20 minutes do for us??? She then goes ok clock out and go home! I said ok how about 30? Angry expression on her face (remember I worked 7 and a half hours of ladder climbing, and opening boxes, and censoring ect.)and in a dirty tone in front of hurrying shoe sales people clock out go home! (she repeated clock out go home even after I said ok a hour) My face was hot I was truly embarrassed! I then tell her that our manager aka the one she assistants says I can stay a extra 30 minutes anyway she then tells in front of others near her in a nasty tone clock out go home! Two of them look at me¬† (including my once crush) trying to see whats going on and why she is¬†sounding like that.

Im¬†a adult¬†and I was fuming mad I don’t want to be talked down like Im¬†a dog or a toddler! I saw another worker complained to her about her and she said ooooo I know what you mean she is blunt and rude. She said she is only here for the money and then leaving for something better.

So tomorrow Im¬†going to HR and telling her what happened ….maybe or I may give her a little info and let her know I will now start writing everything about my day, how Im treated, and talked down to. I will no longer keep hush just because she is assistant manager. I will write about today tomorrow and start keeping dates, time, and even trying to get people to sign as a witness. If she ever tries to get rid of me because she knows I may risk her job I want my proof ect. so I can get unemployment! And I promise I will be on unemployment for a long time they will pay me month after month after month for at least a couple of years as I apply for jobs such as fitness swimmer (I can’t swim), Doctor, Dentist, artist, fashion designer ect as I go to school and leave with family in Florida.

One thing for sure Im going to HR, I want her to fear me because she wants to keep her title and loyal ten years for the company.

And tomorrow I will write what happened today and from now on will continue to do so and things I notice. Thinking of sneaking my camera phone on so I can take pictures too so I can attach to that day. Pictures of what Im expected to do and such.

I go to work tomorrow she will feel how MAD I am with her for doing that to me. I have been mistreated by past managers, but not to the point I wish you would get promoted so you can do everyone a favor and leave. I like where I work, its hard, but not bad compared to being a nurse assistant I have one issue the former ride, now the assistant….as a nurse assistant you have about 5-7 people on you who want you to do everything alone.

I told her partner our manager how she talked to me and how rude she is and he tried to calm me down because I was out on the floor passing customers and sales person listening real good, he said its ok just relax you been working long hours and very hard and made up some lame excuse for her. He will likely tell her what I said and ask about it….which I hope so she has heads up for tomorrow.

1) Not telling her good morning maybe a weak fake smile (can’t help it, but its best she understands to really stay away from me!) She will likely say good morning and I will say it too…not as cheerful and I won’t be looking her way. Or a greater chance of pulling me to the side to talk about it and how she felt and blah blah blah to ease over her behavior again I will just say…ok. Nothing more to talk about.

2) when she comes to me and tries to smooth things over Im¬†just going to say ok..uh huh…sure and no longer will I be fake smiling with her I mean Im too nice and then you act wrongful?

3)No small talk go annoy someone else PLEASE, and for a change how about the men for once?!

Were all adults and no one should be talked down to. Others have been angry how she talked to them to the point of cursing to themselves, hitting a object to release steam , ect. Me Im waddling my fat self right to HR. Cursing to myself is silly, and hitting a pillow or door whatever is not my style and sounds painful towards the knuckles.

If I was being paid at least 15 a hour….I would bite my tongue and once again ignore it. Ten a hour uh uh….

I told myself not to binge, and eating for no reason is pointless and won’t solve anything.I laid in bed once I got home today and tried to relax only to get up typing here. My type of day would call for pizza hut and a mountain dew really! So other things she has a bad habit of doing, but I let that slide, but telling me like that to clock out go home in that tone…I mean our manager he was willing to let me stay just 30 minutes, but instead I came across her first! Im¬†going to try to continue my day, I know on Mondays I am working towards my license because either I get fired or get so mad one day I will walk off the job…another reason why I need two jobs. Quiting also means you allowed them to win its best to get fired really.

Can’t wait for tomorrow….

She needs to learn cause and effect. Your nice to so and so…so they in turn are kind to you.

Your mean and so and so stays away from you.

 

I woke up with a lot of self talk in my mind as always…you can do it, you have to get up anyway….it was 5am in the morning.

I slowly got up and noticed there was not really much pain in my  feet and ankles.

I brushed my teeth, got dressed in my size large shirt, size 18 pants,got my work bag together and headed out in the cold Texan air.

My walking felt kinda different and I looked at my cell phone….darn 5:30am meaning I missed the bus half way to work at least. Off I walked, and oddly I would always see the work building at 5:55am or at rare 5:54am instead I saw it at 5:47am. I was like no way…

The walk half way there a coworker (was too dark out to tell who) kept turning back to see me come near…she waved, I was walking….and guess what…guess what size 18 did to size 6/7??? I PASSED HER I PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED¬†HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Same one joking about my little pizza love joy saw me MEEE¬†ME ME¬†pass her, but then I got on my cell phone reading online news she she¬†got to the building first. Later in the day she was like your walking is better you even passed me! I was shocked and didn’t know how to take it and said yea Im trying to get better so I can sleep in a little more. Just think when I get to a size 4 people will think I have roller blades on my feet no joke! I went up the three flights and still out of breath…but not like before not so extreme and I even stop breathing hard….a little sooner.

I have also noticed a little more energy after work too. Before because of all the limping and such I would get home and nap in my uniform only to wake up and its pitch dark out. Now Im up typing and may clean up my apt a little. I would only be able to on my days off. I see small improvements things taken for grated. I was 300-280 something crawling to the bathroom because I couldn’t stand up my feet and ankles were that much in pain…at times I had to call out from past jobs just to rest my feet for 24 hours so I can walk again.

I can’t risk jumping, and Im¬†still obese and got a ways to¬†go, but every pound makes a small change to your body. Everyone at my job knew they could out walk me and such. Thats¬†why she kept looking back as I was near her, then pass her, it amazed her and me. Im not a fast walker yet…can’t be until I drop more weight.

I woke up today exactly 260.4 pounds.

Today I had a pasta salad a small bowl, and later a bowl of watermelon fuming on the way home with my red fruit. Has to be under a 1000 for sure….again.

My family and everyone else knows not to call me after 5pm lol. I mean when I get home I feel the rest of the day is mines to relax and be glad work is over. I talk all day at work and just need to enjoy the rest of my day. At times I will not talk after 7pm. I use to at 8:30 with the woman I loaned my ten to and paid it back and never called me again. I would stay waiting for her call because she would get out at 8pm and liked to talk to someone to her car in the dark and on the ride home over same topics everyday for the past two years knowing her…how bad Texen¬†drivers are , and terrible co-workers, and what she was eating today, and the men her daughters get with. Now that she doesn’t talk to me anymore I feel kinda gulity¬†that I no longer feel I have to talk to her at 2:30pm after her first job and 8pm after the second. I wouldn’t mind sometimes, but hearing about how bad drivers are….I rather be on the road like her it beats being on the bus for me. I feel kinda bad how things ended over ten dollars, but Im¬†sorry she should get mad and tell her daughters to stop having sex with men who have zero not a job, nothing zero not even a dream and stop making babies where their mom has to beg for ten dollars just to make it! Anyway….my whole point is I don’t enjoy talking later unless….

This girl I use to work with, I never call her and she never calls me. I don’t know when she is busy and what not. She texted me Hey, I texted back hi¬†and school is doing great. She then calls me asap after seeing me up at 9pmish.

We talked about our old jobs, how being in a nursing home is just a way to collect money off the old and give them terrible care, how we were treated, and our goals and how for our age we need to be making more money. We both were two girls who wanted better bodies, she wanted the thick look and me I wanted the model look (sucks in cheeks) we couldn’t relate on our body goals, but both agreed to wanting to lose weight….as we snacked on candy bars, soda, and placed our orders for food from the kitchen.

Me a size 18 and her still over that size somewhere. We talked and she said girl you know on pay day¬†don’t you want to spend your money on food?? I then thought back that pay days (yes todays my pay day¬†and I was tempted to eat MORE) and on pay day¬†met fast foods,home cooked foods, and cakes and what not then feel sorry the next day as the scale inched up a pound or two. I laughed so hard because I thought that was just me! Something about pay day may trigger friends to go out for drinks, but would trigger me on a fast food solo hunt.

We then got on cheese cake and I was like no you didn’t! (in a black girl way) I said I LOVE me some cheese cake…can you believe we stayed up till 11pm talking about cheese cakes, the toppings, bbq¬†ribs and mash potatoes¬†from cheddars?? She said if cheese cake was a man she would be having cheese cake babies!! I said I would marry him the same day! We both met every word ūüė¶¬† I was having a food orgasm she laughed and said stop girl stop me too!!!¬† Food was turning us both on to the point we agreed to meet after almost a year of not seeing each other….we will meet up for food and cheese cake. I woke up tired¬†for work …yea and thought omg what have I done? When eating out with a guy I will eat like what people expect me to eat, but with a girl…..wasting calories? I can, but means I can only eat when I see her and lie and say oh I ate before I came and just have that 500 calorie cheese cake, water melon later the end. Just think if we lived real close to each other two large women hunting for food!

Its like do I want this?

A life full of joint pain, men who feel you should get with them because your fat I mean even a obvious¬†gay guy (voice included with his legs crossed) felt I should get with him, or men old enough to be my nanas father (not lying) or the drug dealer who didn’t get caught yet.

Or this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A body I would enjoy dressing up and having better men approach me not all losers for once, a body I can run , ride a horse, and do more in?

The choice is easy, but its not when that plate of cheese cake with dripping strawberry sauce is right in front of you and please I beg don’t bring any ribs out…

I have a big day tomorrow mainly over my assistant manager, I hope Im 259 tomorrow as well (I hope), and toast and eggs with a small thing of jam sounds good. I have eggs from my atkin days….and just need bread! Thats a nice idea to pack. Going to hop on scale now. Just curious. I struggled to get up my left foot kinda stiff and in pain once I got up from the floor (where I tyoe with laptop) , but feels ok again. Im 260.6 pounds …..sounds like I will be 259 tomorrow??? My size 18 pants felt slightly more loose. Things are becoming much more exciting weight wise. Its hard and I can’t go back…I can’t.

I have 1200 dollars in hidden savings. My goal is still to have 10,000 by the time I return to Florida. I don’t want to be like some of the others who worked there for yearrs with just a 100 stashed away. I think even saving 20 dollars per pay check IF POSSIBLE is decent, even some say 5 dollars. Family, bills, and like me I owe unemployment things like that can dig deep in your pockets.

Anyway going to read a little and then maybe clean some then sleep in hopes of being out the 60s all these years later.

Tomorrow at work…breaths….have to get ready. Round ten.

Be careful where you eat…hidden oil? Still trying for 250 something….

December 4, 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Im trying so hard and like my friend were on a stand still. Stuck, but like her I won’t give in.

I been brain storming and thinking can I handle eating one breakfast¬†burrito tomorrow and two diet lemonades? Wouldn’t that cause me to be 250 asap the next day and give my body a boost?

Its like you have to mentally say ok were done eating today now stop…..I stop and so has the scale!

I won’t allow me being 260-261 to just throw in the towel and eat whatever…..then my hard work was done for nothing and bye bye¬†size 18 that could of been a future 16 next month. ‘

In jan or Feb I want to see my family and don’t feel like stressing over the plane seat size and asking will I be kicked off the plane making news for all to see.

 

 

 

 

Three things I don’t want to become as my weight goes down.

December 3, 2012

 

 

1) The former fat person who now hate fat people.

Both men and women do this they lose the weight and then make rude comments such as I got off my lazy ass so why can’t they? Or if they eat less…its like these types of people feel that since they are thin its ok to be rude or be annoyed by larger size frames. Like a so called friend of the past was really huge when I met her, now a size 9/10 (which is average to me) she makes rude fat remarks, or have taken pictures of fat people to cut her desire for food, and she doesn’t understand why can’t they just eat less like she did¬† and work out? And how she ate junk food because she was always on the go no time to cook , but never used food to ease her worries and such….I was like well you were fat and no matter how you got fat you were once still fat. These same people have been fat for over a year to maybe even 20 or so! Yet once they reach goal expect you to just be able to get to it asap! Being obese and morbidly obese and even very over weight….you never asked to be large and a lot of times food is a legal choice of drugs that you won’t spend 5 years or so in jail for. For example online this guy was asking for advice of his girlfriend of 3 years that he met her when he was obese and so was she. He then goes on about how he decided to get up and do something about it…..I was thinking uh huh…many larger people decide to do something as well and I bet a million he has decided over years of his life, but failed because eating less sounds easy, but its hard for us. He says now that he is in shape and toned and weighs less, his gf is still obese and he has been warning her that if she doesn’t lose weight he will leave! See he got with her because he felt he had no choice due to his size, now he lost the weight she has to get with it or get out! All the guys on the message board were like dude leave the cow, and asking why is he still with that pig, or have her chase her food and he loled on it all!!! I hope to never be a former fat person who feels since I lost the weight so and so should do so asap, or feel fat people are lazy not true. I have met skinny people even size 0 was lazy!! Some just eat less, some workout like crazy and eat whatever when others try to create a balance of eat less workout hard.

 

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2) Not over doing it to the point I miss out in the good moments in life.

I mean yes exericse (me going up and down stairs…still outta breath) is good for you, but I don’t want to be one of those former fat people who spend their life in the gym I mean yes you want to stay slim and fit, but never forget to live. I hear of former fat people and never been fat people who spend hours at the gym grinding away for hours and some even return after!

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3) Not enjoying eating out ever again! (The true horror!)

My long distance friend who¬†Im real proud of, but when she told me of her 10 dollar salad she ordered on her date …I was thinking noooo way! A salad! For me if I was on a date I would order like my old self, bring on the steak and mash potatos and side of veggies and yes with a diet coke to balance it out and oh wheres the dessert menu? Something so special I mean who wants to date anyone on a diet? I still want to enjoy my food and I may end up being real thin, but at night exercising by going up and down the stairs for 10 minutes and jump roping for 30 minutes equals a serious calorie burn! I still want to savor my food like I do now…..I just can’t work out like I would like to due to my joints, so for now Im going up the stairs and eating less (like today was two breakfast burritos and lunch/dinner two bowls of watermelon). On a date no guy would guess I was eating less, that could be my one large meal and take the rest to go….so many ways to still enjoy food without living on salad…boring. And yes I will still be a size 4! I mean I believe If I can master water fasting for¬† a day, but the next enjoy a 2000 calorie meal then repeat the next water fast day…I mean my whole point is to give up sweets forever and tasty foods forever is no way to live!

 

 

 

 

I woke up 260 pounds this morning….Im inching so close to 250 something its like a tease!

I got a pair of size 18w pants for work tomorrow… ūüôā

I just hope I don’t slip up…Im so close.

 

He touched my hand, learning that hunger pains are normal,and nervous/shy about men, worrying over future sagging skin

December 2, 2012

I woke up to being 263 pounds at 7am something as I rushed off to work, now its 9pm something and the scale reads 261.1. Im getting so close!

Today I had one large slice of pizza for breakfast¬†that had mushrooms and spinach on top and plenty¬†of cheese! Chick fa Lay is closed since its sunday. I was like what Im¬†I going to do???? I ate the one slice and downed two diet pepsi’s¬†. I will be honest I fought the desire to get up and order another slice…pizza is my weakness!¬†¬† Lunch/dinner was after work at 5pm something once again at whole foods. For a dollar and 54 cents¬†I got a half a cup worth of beef stew and after like four bites of the rich, meaty good stuff I knew I had to hurry to the corner store for a coke zero! Whole foods weigh the food you buy….so if your ever tempted to binge I guess head on over to whole foods the prices will stop you dead in your tracks!

At work I¬†was all over the store it was crazy busy, and I forced myself to walk up the stairs sometimes riding it half way (I need a break!) I knew going up and down the ladders were burning some calories! I recall the time I was new and was afraid to use the ladder since I felt I would break it…..in order to keep my job I took slow brave steps up the ladder to keep shelter and food on the table for myself. Being morbidly obese on a ladder….what a terrible sight it was and my safety! I kept thinking as I peeked down of falling and becoming brain dead due to the hard fall down. I still think that way, but not as much.

 

 

Here I am up stomach empty not hungry, but at times like this I would just fill it up.

I couldn’t believe I heard my stomach growl a few days ago…..It was a strange sound since I always ate so much through bingeing¬†that it didn’t have a chance to feel hunger. Skinny women chant through out¬†the day how hungry they are is because they wait to feel hunger then eat on something tiny or sip on coffee.

Im¬†still me and I want to eat just because. No hunger, but Im slowly getting better….very slowly. I would feel such shame to have my co-workers see me losing so much weight and to gain it all back right before their eyes!

The biracial guy I use to have a monster crush on and still kinda do, but feel he may like non-blacks…..but I could be wrong kinda maybe it depends. Well he showed me how to do his job as I was helping¬†him in that area and he placed his hands above mines as I was holding the item. He was touching the item, but somehow I felt his hand too and I looked and didn’t want this moment to be over.¬†It¬†felt like it was in slow motion and I was like how nice of you blah blah¬†blah because I felt nervous he is so cute and I play it off because I recall at my largest of him being like whoo what you mean when he thought I was talking about visiting him. I have gained¬†weight because of male attention…never on purpose. Its like you¬†don’t exist, your not human or even a woman, but then you lose a little weight here and there and boom guys see you they know your alive and breath and bleed just like them!

When I first started the job I was 300 pounds. On body gallery you can put 5’10 and 300 and see girls like I was.

Anyway back to whole foods. I got a few mini spoonfuls of beef stew and a lady was kind enough to point out the brown rice….the old me would be like great idea thanks! I told her thank you, but I don’t want that the stew alone is fine. She was shocked lol.

 

I went to the bathroom and thought….someday I will no longer have to place one hand on the tub and the other holding the wall to ease down on the toilet due to my knees. And soon if I can lose enough I will be able to run …my running looks more like a normal fast pace walk, no longer will the elderly¬†out walk me, and no longer when someone make a point to say can I move Im taking up space there won’t be giggling girls near by because of my size.

 

I am preparing myself for the male attention and learning how to say thank you to nice things said and working on not being too upset that slowly Im being noticed.

 

Saggy¬†skin…I was touching and shaking my large upper arms, my inner thighs has a glob of fat pocket in each. I know once I get down a little more it will be time for weight lifting to firm it up. Not extreme body builder women type of work out lol no, but to be lean and less flab and hanging. It would be so sad to lose all this weight, but can’t afford to remove loose nasty skin ūüė¶

 

I have problems sleeping since food helps me sleep as well! A warm baked potato with heavy sour cream and butter would have me knocked out in a few minutes no joke! Or a large pizza hut pizza alone would have me asleep as my body worked to figure what to do with it…mainly get larger.

 

I see morbidly obese women and men walking about trying to wait for a ride, a bus, I see them limping, walking badly, hardly able to go fast. If I pass one I make sure they know they were not in my way because they go into auto sorry mode (mainly the women) I tell them I understand and I tend to get a thank you. No one wants to be that large something triggers things like that, just like no one wants to be a drunk or abuse drugs ect. A sane human wants the best for themselves.

Im going to lay back in bed in hopes of falling alseep soon. I plan on going to school tomorrow.

 

I felt like a princess, body pains from weight, and the battle continues to be 250 something.

December 1, 2012

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Right now its 8:33pm. Today I weighed at 264…two days ago 263, it all goes between 263-265 pounds. As normal I woke up at 5:06 am for work (thanks due to the invention of the alarm). I fight the urges each morning to eat so early because trust me on our mini break I will eat again no matter if I ate 5 something in the morning or not. It pays off because I enjoy a chick fa lay breakfast barrito¬†at 10am which has 500 calories and I drink two cups of diet lemonade and in exactly 2-3 minutes I then feel¬†full…so strange to sit there and know you can fit more, but if I wait it then hits and I feel full. I head back to work making sure to walk up the stairs not ride it. I ignore the desire for a 400 calorie reeses¬†peanut butter cup from the vending machine. I work going up and down the ladders, rushing to meet my goals at work before the day is over, tired as what, smiling all day long to random strangers and co-workers as I pass them by. On my lunch break I play with my phone app at 11:30am and I now have a new habit of staying in the break room. Both mini break and lunch break I would be out in the mall in the food courts in the past. Just in case I stay in my work place to ward off any temptations for extra mall food which has tons of calories. Oh and I started the skinny girl chant at work…IM HUNGRY…and we did it together lol see the super skinny ones don’t eat breakfast either at 5am something before coming in, but one did get desperate and went for black coffee and later another did. At 4pm after work I went to whole foods and they do have more skinny shoppers then walmart. If your small you don’t have to spend a boat load of¬† money to fill you up plus you¬†¬†gotta keep that model body down pack! I got 6 squares of tofu from their hot bar, and three small spoon worth of mac and cheese, and a cup of water melon. I was afraid to eat it almost since I knew if I didn’t eat anymore I would be slimmer tomorrow for sure hands down! I ate it anyway…it was small and cost me under 6 dollars a rare treat for myself and it was really good. I left whole foods and continued my walk home, but got a diet coke to settle me. The battle continues to be 250 something.

Its hard because¬†now where down to having one day off a week due to the holidays. I have been so tired I went into¬†a texting ping pong¬†with my long distance friend that I am a stock worker our job gets hard and I can’t talk, she was saying please, I was saying lets text until I fall alseep….well I fell asleep anyway. Longer hours, and standing on your feet for hours plus im heavy with it…tires me out! Sometimes I limp, but not really like I would at 290 pounds, my feet still hurt badly that when I wake up in the morning I have to take it slow and ….slowly stand up for balance and to get my feet prepared to holding me up. My ankles go inward, plus Im¬†flat footed, and obese …its all too much for my feet. I google other obese people with jobs standing up and I really feel for them because the pain can be so great you want to call out from work, but bills….thin people feet hurt after a long day too, but not as great as someone of my size. Also my knees feel so weak at times, but still through pain I try to go up the stairs, sometimes I¬†would hear my knees making cracking sounds! My joints in general should get better with less weight on them. My back hurts and neck and I know its due to my job, but can’t help to wonder if I was smaller would the pain still be there , but just less?

Everyday now in my size large shirt…not a¬†xx or x or any other x..just a large with my baggy size 24 work pants…not buying any new pants until Im¬†a 18. I found out from body gallery I will be a size 18 once I weigh¬†250 something. I have been told by coworkers wow your losing weight, what are you doing? Yes Im losing inches due to the stairs and at some point after several years of being 260 something and up my body will have to give in and let me win to be 250 something! When I first started my job at 300 pounds about 10 months ago the same pants I wear to work were a perfect fit, the same large shirt I wear now I couldn’t even get on…I told the manager a long time ago let me have it because someday I will get in it! I also have a medium in my uniform and I still have my xx shirt and other x shirt as a reminder not to go back! I tell people who ask that I just eat 2000-2500 calories a day…yes a lie but not wanting to hear I should eat more…I did that…and gainned or stayed the same …kinda. If I eat more that means right after work I need to burn the excess calories off…my feet are no good for that right now, I fear jump roping since my knees maybe ruined, and after a long day at work I am not in the mood to do anything. My former ride saw me and said look who is losing weight….she went into how I need to figure out what makes me binge and why do I use food to cope ect. I said yea your right…and she is…and I know what it was and why I do it…my child hood fear is long gone and now I used food to just de-stress…and I mean food can taste so good I want to experience the flavors all over again. Cheese cake anyone???

Four days ago was the dress up day. The day I dreaded, the day I was suppose to¬†be a size 16 for, but taco bowls and cookies took that goal away. I really tried even ordered the veggie soup ……and got a side order of a three cheese sandwich and two cups of Hi-c punch…..but then there were days I did really good and kept doing good I got back into my early 260’s! I went to Jc¬†Penny and got this silky¬†red top, and the pants. The size 20 pants that made my week. Never thought I be happy to see a 20…beats being a 24 for some years. It took me a hour¬†to find shoes since I only own one pair of sneakers and flip flops, heels a no¬†no since Im¬†5’10¬†plus I can’t walk in heels due to my ankles and size. I got my slip on’s that look dressy from pay less for 16 dollars and something. A size 12 in womans due to my weight and the more weight means my feet are wide and requires a larger shoe size.¬† On that night putting on my outfit…..my make up, shoes and pants. I went to work and everyone was amazed….even I! I was stop by many who told me how great I looked, I got second looks too, I was so shy about all the attention. Here we were working hard and people were amazed how smaller I look and how great I looked I didn’t know how to handle it. I try to change the topic or hurry off, but still got met up with others who couldn’t believe it was me. I know this is wrong, but ……yes everyone looked great, but my one coworker who runs and jogs daily, pumps weights….had the calfs¬†of a man …I mean like a greek God. I was like omg. I had to force myself to stop staring because those calfs¬†went through alot¬†of weights and muscle powdered drinks or something. I mean I never seen a woman with those type of calfs ūüė¶

It reminds me of the two popular sisters who are great at tennis. There are body types I pray and hope I never ever get. I don’t want the calfs¬†that can out due a mans, I don’t want the muscle bound thighs of a wrestler , nor do I want the vein popin neck of a serious jock! Anyway back on topic I felt great and knew I pulled it off even the guys noticed. The next day I still had others coming to me who said they met to tell me how great I looked. I even had size zero and for the third time mention how great my hair looked….um my body is not my hair, but I told her thank you and we all look great which was true. Wearing those flats had my feet in a uproar no inserts or any true support…I had no choice since it was either wear men dress shoes ..lol yea….or nothing at all. It was a struggle to find that pair at pay less.

Today at work I caught two coworkers staring at me two girls. I guess everyone sees that I won’t be the jolly fat stock worker everyone loves to laugh at due to a unnatural weakness to free pizza at work. I was told by a laughing coworker weeks ago that the girls said I treated that free pizza our boss got us like a all you can eat place. I didn’t care and you know what I did and the one who told me he did too (But somehow men get a free pass fat and all) ….and guess what some was left over such the skinny thing to do complain or joke that I ate…6 slices, but don’t touch anymore yourself why does it matter? I guess I was suppose to eat just at most 2 slices and leave the rest to be thrown away….um….even if thin I will have my bad days to eat as I choose to!

It feels good to be losing inches, and that slowly I will be 250 something.

It sucks I can’t eat whatever like before I could be craving a loaded baked potatoe….that was fine, two hours later its pizza hut……then three bowls of cereal with a side snack. It never ends. Its like do I want my ideal guy or a mc donald meal, holding hands with a loving gent or waiting in line patting my foot¬† and wondering why does this lady take so long to order a simple burger Im hungry!¬† Could be watching old movies with my future husband or counting down the days when I can buy cookies from the locale girl scouts, the list goes on and on.

Im fine not hungry and no desires, but the desires come on and off.

Just glad I maybe starting to lose the weight.

I have to be honest with myself. I told my long distance friend that if it wasn’t for men and the desire for a decent guy I would be 500 pounds bed bound and she agreed me too. I also want to feel no pain in my feet and ankles everyday too. I would be lying really if I said I want to lose weight for my health when really its to wear a two piece swim suit and sexy shades in hopes of luring a cutie over!

I still have my crushes and as I lose weight I notice they see it too. Once at goal please continue on. I understand in the future any guy I get would have never looked at me at my current size. I rather date a stranger then someone I have worked with at my job for almost a year who saw me as a fat girl threat to his ego or a joke behind closed doors. Lets keep all work relations as if I was 300 pounds and any other obese weight….the fun begins real soon…