Happy Thanksgiving+weight gain+work+going for a new pill+Never loaning again+Im not a racist=still fat, single, too friendly,and on a new plan….again.


My family is in Florida, so Im here alone in the yee haw state of Texas. Everyone I know is working today, left town to see their family in their state (a risk I didn’t want to take since we all were given the no PTO talk until Jan.), and no invites anyway….and if invited I wouldn’t come. Family or if its a guy I was seeing is the only thing that would get me outdoors. Co-workers have invited me to see them read home made poems ……but on a day off after working 5 days a week I just rather stay home, not listening to creative poems yet at the same time I really wouldn’t mind, but my days off are so special and the bed…..oh my!

2014 I will go back to Florida uneducated and all, but I have to have savings, a car and know how to drive it and at least that license! Florida is so pricey to live in. In the Florida ghetto it cost way more then Texas ghetto!!! I may end up moving back home, but I hope it doesn’t turn out that way. I like living the way I want meaning cleaning the dishes when ever not now or asap or risk having the super clean neat nana in tears and my mom over me telling me to get out then! Then me working and not my so and so sister because she has everyone believing she can’t work :/ I miss my family thats the only reason why I want to go back and then the beach too!

Work since the holidays been hard, some of us running around, me sweating and that person sweating. Hot and going up and down stairs trying to meet dead lines its crazy! I lose weight this way, but then my day off comes and it comes on back!

Ever since I got on these pills aka prozac I feel better like I stick up for myself without going into tears because I feel powerless and people are walking over me……but ever since my long distance friend shared how men are giving her attention, men with real live careers and goals,men with interesting lives and hobby or skill, men that your future children would be proud in saying thats my daddy……it threw me off into a binge because thats what I wanted!!!!! Her weight loss is bringing in these decent guys and the more she lose the better it gets!

So now Im like ok I will keep the prozac it doesn’t make me feel super human, just more balanced. I will return back to the hospital for a Adhd disorder…..yes I been told by many and seen those who take it lose weight! Even a pro ana girl who is already thin lost 5 pounds, so Im like ok I want those pills on top of these pills. My friend said a lot of rich women take pills and its true and if you do research on them it all comes down to weight loss even famous people have taken depression pills and adhd pills for weight loss. I hate pills and so against them, but Im dying for a happy, normal, non single life style because I refuse to settle! I promised myself if I can get these pills and drop tons of weight I will stop and do my best to learn to stay small without pills.

My new plan……starting tomorrow is just eating yogurt and 5 calorie juice and water until something better comes along.

NEVER LOAN….more so for people like me.

I don’t do loans, I don’t trust people to pay me back, people are known to show up asap for a loan….but can you get them that fast to pay you back?

I don’t ask for loans, but once I did and paid back as soon as possible!!  Student loans…I owe, but a human I will pay back sooner and fast. You never know when you may need that little change again. My former ride gave me a 5 dollar loan months ago because I forgot my money, I paid her back the same day after work.

My ex cowoker texted me she needed ten  dollars for gas and she is on E and needs it to get to her second job real badly. My first thought was great here we go again!!! I recall loaning her 20 last year and I said never again….well forgot that until now.

I did tell her at first no and she said I will ask my co-worker. I thought yea right! Plus who wants to be known to have two jobs and don’t have ten on them?

I was tired still working away since 6am and here comes 2:30pm. I could of stayed till 3pm, but I clocked out knowing my ex coworker sat parked at my job willing to wait when ever for that ten dollars! I was like wow …….

I work in retail and she in a nursing home. Our jobs are arcoss a large parking lot then street from each other. I live 5 minutes from work and I was thinking she waited a good moment for me…….

I told her repeatly I don’t do loans, its not who I am ect. I should be the last person you ask!

Also I am put off………she has two daughters living with her………….

Anyway she took the ten drove me down a 3 min ride and asked if I could pay for the gas. And that she needs something to drink and asked for water I was like……um….well…..since she said water I wouldn’t tell anyone no to water.

So she got paid the next day when I was promised my ten back. I was like where are you? And I texted her on my lunch break this reason number 48 why I don’t do loans because people can show up for the money, but not the same way to pay back. I annoyed her that day yesterday and today until today got my ten back!!

Sounds like a small sum of money, but thats how it starts and I don’t want to waste my money on a issue you or anyone should never have gotten into! So for the past two days we didn’t talk really at all. Money can ruin relationships of all kinds!! So I won’t be doing loans.

I rather give a person money since I don’t expect it back. Loaning no, no, no.

I never gotten a loan from her ever! If I do ask its just a joke really because I rather not ask unless I really need it. I told her she could of caught the bus to work, but she refuse to sit in a bus let alone try to catch one…..not my problem.

Im not a racist, with all races that are just people I tend to be honest. I agree its not right to judge a group of people because I hate it a lot!  Because Im black my aim is to be thick…NO WAY AND EWWWW, because Im black I know how to dance….I wish! I keep noticing a terrible pracitice that bothers me alot since I was a product of a single parent house hold. Yes I had a step dad that then made me want my mom to be single for life! Two ex step fathers later and a single mom who longer talks like she use to years ago aka how she must have a dark skin man, and how sexy they are ect. and been left other crazy black women who have told her to go to jail like them to get them a black man…not joking. When she refused to head over to jail with a possible friend that woman left she was not happy my mother didn’t want to go to jail and see who is single so when he gets out …..just sad. Any black girl I use to know all end up single with kids and never even got to marriage before it didn’t work out. My ex coworker who needed the ten has two daughters around my age, and now three grandkids and daughters and  live in one house and since the very cute new born was born she been helping money wise to support them all! It upsets me alot I mean get a guy with money to have a baby with not someone who has less then you and holds no job or anything and not even watching the baby him self! ZERO nothing! All races of women  do this stupid thing, but too many in my culture won’t stop. Its like lets all struggle with babies and kids and expect nothing from the men just sex and a quick convo the end!!  I told my long distance friend to date  a man you can see being a great father figure for your future kids not just a one good party time. Two days ago a man ringing the salvation bell outside the mall with all gold teeth looked at me and winked at me as he was checking me out! I faked smile and hurried off because there is no way I want any contact with him. I told my mom that day I know he will find a willing black woman who will have his kids for her to support if its not done yet. I just get so annoyed by this its insane and crazy! When I went to the all black middle school on fathers day one teen stood up and asked everyone to raise their hands who had a dad, the only two did were white and the other black who consided her mom’s boyfriend her dad. The whole class hands were down.  Now with saying all that having two parents married or not, a child still needs a mom and a dad. I still root for the parents of divorce when both parents are involved in their childs life.  My ex class mate/bully of 5th grade begging me for money with a child she had with someone who cheated on her, a jail record, ect and tried to get me with her cousin who is just like her baby’s father!!! My other ex coworker waiting for her man to get out of jail so they can start a family off her 10 a hour wage Im like wtf!!! And my other ex worker who is white and loves black men is on her 4th child with the same man in and out of jail Im like this is sick! It upsets me a lot when women allow this to happen to them and who suffers more is the child! I believe when women start ignoring men with no goals, no nothing these men have no choice BUT to stay single or do better.

I cried this morning when three men who had 76-78 kids by 40 women won’t be paying child support…why? They can’t afford to. What had me crying is one of the 70 something kids asked her mother wheres my daddy? The real answer locked up and when he gets out he won’t have time to be with one child alone. So yes I was put off about giving ten dollars, or helping the ex bully ect. also I just don’t like doing loans anyway.

Im just noticing a sick and twisted pattern get with loser who has way less then you, have kid, struggle, repeat.

If it worked out or not I rather my kids have a man in their lives who love them, want to spend time with them, invest in them, and be a wonderful male role model every child deserves. I want my daughter to see what man I want her to bring home and my son who I want him to be.


Tomorrow another day at work, another day big, another day still trying!

I wonder if these women have self esteem issues that are too deep and well hidden?

Im still trying to see if ….should I get the other pill or not?

How will my life be once back in Florida….should I stay in Texas? I hate seeing my family only once a year. If I had a degree I could move any where!

How can I help women in the future stop this sad cycle? Im not perfect  but a guy with no goals or dreams is someone I rather run from. Sometimes the best guy may not be the right choice only from the outside, but we shouldn’t pick the worse guy who clearly shows it on the outside and inside!

I will continue my quest towards weight loss in hopes of finding a sane man I don’t have to be ashamed of in public or private.


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2 Responses to “Happy Thanksgiving+weight gain+work+going for a new pill+Never loaning again+Im not a racist=still fat, single, too friendly,and on a new plan….again.”

  1. dietriotgirl Says:

    Hey girlie, I will comment again tomorrow, I’m falling asleep at the keyboard, i worked “Black Friday” today and I am beat. So i dont want to half fast comment. But i read your post and I will read it again tomorrow when I’m more mentally functioning and comment properly. Just quickly. I’m glad you have your standards in men! I support your pursuit for a decent man, I still think though , it doesn’t matter your size or weight. A person should love you for you, not how you look and weigh.

    I am also against pills unless medically needed( which is fine). But, don’t use anything that isn’t medically needed. I’m happy the pill you are on now is helping you stand up for yourself. You must stand up for yourself. You are the only one that can.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    I understand! This holiday work stuff is tough and tiring!! So you got the job then! Yes Im still upset I believe women in general have so much power of who they pick its so sad and then the poor baby is born into a struggling home. And your right…I shouldn’t try to get pills for weight loss.

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