Archive for November, 2012

I thought former fat girls were lying…..

November 27, 2012

 

 

I always heard that after they lost weight a large amount of it they still thought they were fat. I was like how can you look in the mirror and be a size 8 and still think your a size 18 for example? I was like there is no way!!!  Today my boss told me not to forget to dress real nice….realy nice ok? I said ok real nice and he said yes real nice! He must know me somehow without knowing how I dress in street clothes. I don’t really have clothes that I can currently fit that would be considered real nice…maybe for a picnic or the zoo or in the dark watching a unpopular movie. Something real nice for a date or sales job NOPE. I like working stock I slip on my pants, black shirt , sneakers and the end. No dressing up daily trying to find clothes to hide my fat somewhat.

I was like ok in a cheerful voice and as I walked off I was like here we go…..

In two days from now I must dress up as I help make boxes and other x-mas like items for customers! Its not even December and here I was thinking ok sometime in Dec. he wants us to dress up….nope in two days! So out goes the goal of somehow losing 20 pounds before dress up.

I was brain storming after that should I fake sick? At the end I knew I had to go besides my need of money it would look odd to pretend to be sick all of a sudden on that day. After work I walked my 30 min. walk all the way home to charge up my phone a few minutes and to feed the kittens their one can a day cat food. As always from the bush they watch me lay the can down and as I walk off they come out and eat as fast as they can!

I then got my phone took a 30-40 minute walk to Target to find some spanx….yes spanx I heard all the raves of this product, but never bought it since at the end of the day Im still fat. The idea of looking 10-15 pounds slimmer just by shoving myself in spanx had me make the walk right after work only to find out Target doesn’t sell Spanx, but they have shape wear that when I touched it didn’t feel like anything tight, but may define my side rolls some more…so yes I left!

I sat outside Target to rest my feet and called wal-mart before walking there to see if they had the brand spanx. The lady was like what is that? I said something that holds all of you in! She said one moment and came back and said no. I then called Jc Penny and I got a yes we have it! Took me 15 min. from Target to get to Jc Penny and my feet were killing me!!!

I asked for help by another morbidly obese woman who was sitting doing her work (don’t blame her).

I asked her have she ever wore spanx before? She said proudly no and if no one can take her as she is then oh well!

I laughed and asked ok do you know how spanx sizing works? As if I was joining the pro fat movement with her…NEVER.

Long story short I tried the spanx on and yes it held my rolls in, but was like I can find a outfit that can hide me better then wasting 20 dollars to blend rolls from being so seen.

I found a nice red causal top and a cute pair of pants that are dressy. I loved it!!

It was a 2x top and a size 24 buttom pair of pants.

I thought of my long distance friend who is losing weight with her now flat stomach and loose fitting size 14 from forever 21 store. She now wears color something more plus size women should do and even I said no black!! Yes trimming and slimming, but dull and everyone knows why your in black…they even know why you get excited winter is coming too.  I recall her saying how she is wearing clothes that are not loose,but tighter and gives her a shape.

I thought it was a waste of time, but thought why not?  I said to myself this will be a struggle, but worth a try to see.

I took off the pair of 24 and in the same color slipped on a pair of 22 and to my shock it fit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought to myself no way…no way!!!

I been wearing a 24 for years when I was 300 pounds and a 24 fits and even my pants for work are a 24 and here I am wearing in womans size (not mens like my work pants) a size 22!! I put my reg. clothes back on and walked all the way half through the store and got a size 20 in the same color and pattern. I tried on the size 20 and it fit!!! It was perfect!! I was like omg! I got bold and even tried on a 1x in the top and it was a match made in heaven!!! I said I can’t believe this! I never understood why some people ask me why do I wear baggy clothes? To me they were not baggy, but my size :/

I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe it…now I understand when I tell people Im a size 24 they can’t believe it.  I was a 24 for sure, but coming from 300 helped. I still see a size 24 girl not a 20. I know my outfit will shock my managers and co workers. I even went to walmart after all for fake ear rings aka 3 dollars. I got a few more 43 cent cans of cat food and milk and cereal.

I feel so good!!

If I can be 240 something I should be a size 18 Im so close if I stop eating too much and try harder.

Now new problem…..my feet. My feet are huge to the point I buy mens size 10 for work shoes even a coworker asked where I get it from….me thinking wow for once someone likes my shoes!! She said no its just that they are huge…huge yes, but offer me support my flat ,large feet need I thought. I need to find some good flats for my outfit and will put my shoe inserts in those. Pay less tomorrow…here I come!

Im still shocked how a size 20 just slip right on me so well. and a 1 x shirt in my dreams! Hard to believe, but I saw it with my own eyes.

Earlier today my boss’s assistant needed to come through, but where I was standing in the small spot I was blocking her. She said Ebony can you move your taking up the whole space (in a friendly tone) you need to stand over there. Of course the two girls in my age range were looking at each other bent over laughing. The assistant didn’t understand why and asked whats so funny? Without her meaning no harm or knowing she did in their eyes she just called me fat and Im taking up too much space. I just said ok and hurried off and thought that someday:

1) I will be smaller then those giggling size 4 and 6

2) I will be so small you will want me to eat when really you wish you were me

3) Some day…someday I will have the thin body of a runway model!

I was so embarrassed by all that I didn’t go near that area in fear I would be standing in the wrong spot and one of the three male crushes I have will hear it and … 😦

Tomorrow another diet day to eat less another day to try.

Just hope I can find some shoes for my feet for women.

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Her weight loss has him ready to meet his parents!! My license is soon to be a reality

November 26, 2012

 

 

I went to HR three days ago and was curious. I wanted to know what is the cap off for me? When I use to have rides with my former ride back then she showed me her cap off of 11.10 cents! She has been there three years and I couldn’t believe it….now I do. I was told 11:30 cents…I faked it like wow really yay! Thank you so much!!! To be honest in retail that is pretty high,but who wants to be there 7 or so years of your life making that? And as new people come in their cap off is a little higher then you. Currently Im making 10.70 a hour and can’t lie I feel very grateful for that since I started with just ten.

 

 

 

Went to class today. I self talked myself out of bed. I have worked on my day off, been getting up early for work and so much work thanks to the holidays. Im glad for the hours, but I need a break! I thought to myself if I don’t go to class I will be making this wage and in the future my 11.30 for years until my maker comes. I have too many needs and wants for 10 something a hour plus I can save better with a decent wage. I showed up and class went well. I got to practice on three people and a total of 8 sticks! I got stuck 7 times (yes no fun). I have 10 sticks in total and need 25 before I can take the test to get my license!! I have to study of course and I left feeling really good about myself and my future! I have no fear of sticking people now either. I use to be afraid of harming others because you are sticking them for blood! I will stay at my job and get a second one withdrawing blood. My goal is to have 10,000 before going back to Florida. Two jobs one full and the other part-time should do the trick….and my future car… 🙂  The places I can go without waiting for the next hourly bus on Sundays or sitting next to creepy people and so on!

I told my long distance friend Im happy she got to go on a date first…..yes we both laughed I mean I thought secretly I would be the first to have a real date. The first date he liked her a lot,and even said he wants a second date and for her to meet his parents! Her size 14’s are becoming loose now. Her workouts have toned her flab up and she even has a flat tummy!!! And here I am who just binged on 2/3 of a med. pizza…still good since it use to be 3/3. Her good news makes me want to try harder and triggers me to binge! If I didn’t hear it I wouldn’t binge!

Men are also nicer to her too she said, and we both agreed if you been thin all your life its hard to see the benefits of being thin since you feel its perfectly normal for men to ask you out on dates everyday, normal for them to break their necks to help you when they are clueless, as your larger friend Jenny struggles to open the door with her hands full of bags, feels alone and desires a relationship ect.

Me and her both had super thin women in our lives before. She has been used by men to get to her size 0 friend who is boney and thin, she has been ignored by guys and over looked because a size 6 just walked by, I have had guys complain how can they find a decent girl when Im standing right there single!, I have worked at walmart  as a somewhat brain damaged guy with a large scar on his head and a odd walk try to date me as a size 2 girl gets a army boy with goals after her, I have been offered food for sex (always a no), she has been over looked and been treated badly as a thin girl gets treated like gentle glass…..yes she is happy and she is still losing weight and working out a hour a two a day and yogurt and salads are her main stay. We seen a lot and were not stupid! I been out with a girl who looked alive and deathly size 0 had guys checking her out from way upstairs at a sporting goods store as I was just a big brown blob of in the way-ness.

I have to get on my game! At the age of 80 fat or thin Im eating whatever I refuse to be thin just to slip on house clothes and slippers, but now I have to try to better myself in weight. I mean yes I would cry at her future wedding, but more so for myself that Im still fat going nowhere!

For the past five days I have been trying to get this stray grey kitten to be my friend and move in with me…..I saw some of its brothers and sisters one orange and black another brown….I was thinking why don’t you guys move in with me Im so lonely….I been feeding them this 47 cent can of cat food once a day. They sneak and eat it and run back in the bush away from me even when I try to touch their fluffy fur as they eat. It then hit me…omg Im single, alone, wear friendly type clothes, and now stalking kittens to move in for company. A so called friend who really wasn’t a friend for other reasons voice echoed in my head : You will be the cat lady…..

I like dogs way more, but cats are cheaper to keep and just as cute. I can sadly see myself with tons of cats since I love animals (dogs and cats not birds and snakes). I won’t be the cat lady…I won’t!  I will be thin, married with kids and have some form of degree!

Goals for 2013

November 24, 2012

Were still not talking and I have embrace that we don’t ever have to talk again over the ten dollars. It was wrong to me to be able to show up and wait outside my job, but then hard to find you or get to you when you got what you needed. I sent her a friendly text that same day and she never responded so yes shes upset. Im a cheap person I wouldn’t have some new clothes if it wasn’t for my mom sending some a few months ago, I only own one pair of flip flops and walmart brand sneakers I was forced to buy since my old sneakers wore out in the rubber and had a hole in the two. My work pants always look new since I have to get a new pair ever 2-3 months since my thighs rub a large hole in between (no joke). The only thing that I may waste my money on is food. Now I have randomly given a homeless man sleeping on the streets 5 dollars, if your begging for food I will buy it, and yes if your house caught on fire and you lost everything I would have to ignore my cheap side and I would give at least 50 dollars! I saw a mom, dad, and two kids all were homeless and it touched me they still had their dad. I was a teen at the time and if I had a house and was older I would give them shelter and have them save up until they can make their way (wrong because they are strangers, but…) Now if you have one orr two jobs and allowing wrong behavior such as adding more humans to a struggling house hold my cheap side over rules (not on purpose). Im not saying that you must be rich or even middle class to have a family, but keep it to one child if you must not….2…3…4…5.. and the worse in the welfare office is 10 :O

I tried my yogurt fast…after going through my packed 5 yogurts I ate regular food since I was out of yogurt! Im feeling desperate. I know what being thin brings not just decent guys, but a body I can do more with in fashion,being able to jump and run super fast, to try new things I was limited to, ect. I maybe making that veggie soup sooner then I think with low cal meals I don’t know!! I know its eat less….really eat less.

 

2013

1) Visit a womans shelter of abused women and help out there sometimes

2) Get my license and I will!!!

3) Learn to drive

4) (takes deep breath) Go back to college part time for something…I want to go back to Florida 2014 sometime, but refuse to struggle or depend on family like that unless I really….really had to.

5) Baby sit for a few hours for free (I been reading the news and I felt so sad and hurt hearing kids abused (Im anti spanking too) or raped by so called baby sitters its sad that evil, nasty people exist like that! I just want to baby sit for a few hours just once to give a parent or parents a break OR help a elderly person free for a few hours and be company.

6) Try new foods and more so food of India! I will go alone. Everytime i have brought up going someone tells me rude things how they are nasty people or they would never try their food :/ well I will go alone because spices and something new is exciting and kinda cultured.

7) Live in a safe area before heading back to the sunshine state

8) Mastering my fear of math

9) Start going out more when invited no more always saying no.

10) Be a size 4!!!!! Yes I will

 

Happy Thanksgiving+weight gain+work+going for a new pill+Never loaning again+Im not a racist=still fat, single, too friendly,and on a new plan….again.

November 22, 2012

 

My family is in Florida, so Im here alone in the yee haw state of Texas. Everyone I know is working today, left town to see their family in their state (a risk I didn’t want to take since we all were given the no PTO talk until Jan.), and no invites anyway….and if invited I wouldn’t come. Family or if its a guy I was seeing is the only thing that would get me outdoors. Co-workers have invited me to see them read home made poems ……but on a day off after working 5 days a week I just rather stay home, not listening to creative poems yet at the same time I really wouldn’t mind, but my days off are so special and the bed…..oh my!

2014 I will go back to Florida uneducated and all, but I have to have savings, a car and know how to drive it and at least that license! Florida is so pricey to live in. In the Florida ghetto it cost way more then Texas ghetto!!! I may end up moving back home, but I hope it doesn’t turn out that way. I like living the way I want meaning cleaning the dishes when ever not now or asap or risk having the super clean neat nana in tears and my mom over me telling me to get out then! Then me working and not my so and so sister because she has everyone believing she can’t work :/ I miss my family thats the only reason why I want to go back and then the beach too!

Work since the holidays been hard, some of us running around, me sweating and that person sweating. Hot and going up and down stairs trying to meet dead lines its crazy! I lose weight this way, but then my day off comes and it comes on back!

Ever since I got on these pills aka prozac I feel better like I stick up for myself without going into tears because I feel powerless and people are walking over me……but ever since my long distance friend shared how men are giving her attention, men with real live careers and goals,men with interesting lives and hobby or skill, men that your future children would be proud in saying thats my daddy……it threw me off into a binge because thats what I wanted!!!!! Her weight loss is bringing in these decent guys and the more she lose the better it gets!

So now Im like ok I will keep the prozac it doesn’t make me feel super human, just more balanced. I will return back to the hospital for a Adhd disorder…..yes I been told by many and seen those who take it lose weight! Even a pro ana girl who is already thin lost 5 pounds, so Im like ok I want those pills on top of these pills. My friend said a lot of rich women take pills and its true and if you do research on them it all comes down to weight loss even famous people have taken depression pills and adhd pills for weight loss. I hate pills and so against them, but Im dying for a happy, normal, non single life style because I refuse to settle! I promised myself if I can get these pills and drop tons of weight I will stop and do my best to learn to stay small without pills.

My new plan……starting tomorrow is just eating yogurt and 5 calorie juice and water until something better comes along.

NEVER LOAN….more so for people like me.

I don’t do loans, I don’t trust people to pay me back, people are known to show up asap for a loan….but can you get them that fast to pay you back?

I don’t ask for loans, but once I did and paid back as soon as possible!!  Student loans…I owe, but a human I will pay back sooner and fast. You never know when you may need that little change again. My former ride gave me a 5 dollar loan months ago because I forgot my money, I paid her back the same day after work.

My ex cowoker texted me she needed ten  dollars for gas and she is on E and needs it to get to her second job real badly. My first thought was great here we go again!!! I recall loaning her 20 last year and I said never again….well forgot that until now.

I did tell her at first no and she said I will ask my co-worker. I thought yea right! Plus who wants to be known to have two jobs and don’t have ten on them?

I was tired still working away since 6am and here comes 2:30pm. I could of stayed till 3pm, but I clocked out knowing my ex coworker sat parked at my job willing to wait when ever for that ten dollars! I was like wow …….

I work in retail and she in a nursing home. Our jobs are arcoss a large parking lot then street from each other. I live 5 minutes from work and I was thinking she waited a good moment for me…….

I told her repeatly I don’t do loans, its not who I am ect. I should be the last person you ask!

Also I am put off………she has two daughters living with her………….

Anyway she took the ten drove me down a 3 min ride and asked if I could pay for the gas. And that she needs something to drink and asked for water I was like……um….well…..since she said water I wouldn’t tell anyone no to water.

So she got paid the next day when I was promised my ten back. I was like where are you? And I texted her on my lunch break this reason number 48 why I don’t do loans because people can show up for the money, but not the same way to pay back. I annoyed her that day yesterday and today until today got my ten back!!

Sounds like a small sum of money, but thats how it starts and I don’t want to waste my money on a issue you or anyone should never have gotten into! So for the past two days we didn’t talk really at all. Money can ruin relationships of all kinds!! So I won’t be doing loans.

I rather give a person money since I don’t expect it back. Loaning no, no, no.

I never gotten a loan from her ever! If I do ask its just a joke really because I rather not ask unless I really need it. I told her she could of caught the bus to work, but she refuse to sit in a bus let alone try to catch one…..not my problem.

Im not a racist, with all races that are just people I tend to be honest. I agree its not right to judge a group of people because I hate it a lot!  Because Im black my aim is to be thick…NO WAY AND EWWWW, because Im black I know how to dance….I wish! I keep noticing a terrible pracitice that bothers me alot since I was a product of a single parent house hold. Yes I had a step dad that then made me want my mom to be single for life! Two ex step fathers later and a single mom who longer talks like she use to years ago aka how she must have a dark skin man, and how sexy they are ect. and been left other crazy black women who have told her to go to jail like them to get them a black man…not joking. When she refused to head over to jail with a possible friend that woman left she was not happy my mother didn’t want to go to jail and see who is single so when he gets out …..just sad. Any black girl I use to know all end up single with kids and never even got to marriage before it didn’t work out. My ex coworker who needed the ten has two daughters around my age, and now three grandkids and daughters and  live in one house and since the very cute new born was born she been helping money wise to support them all! It upsets me alot I mean get a guy with money to have a baby with not someone who has less then you and holds no job or anything and not even watching the baby him self! ZERO nothing! All races of women  do this stupid thing, but too many in my culture won’t stop. Its like lets all struggle with babies and kids and expect nothing from the men just sex and a quick convo the end!!  I told my long distance friend to date  a man you can see being a great father figure for your future kids not just a one good party time. Two days ago a man ringing the salvation bell outside the mall with all gold teeth looked at me and winked at me as he was checking me out! I faked smile and hurried off because there is no way I want any contact with him. I told my mom that day I know he will find a willing black woman who will have his kids for her to support if its not done yet. I just get so annoyed by this its insane and crazy! When I went to the all black middle school on fathers day one teen stood up and asked everyone to raise their hands who had a dad, the only two did were white and the other black who consided her mom’s boyfriend her dad. The whole class hands were down.  Now with saying all that having two parents married or not, a child still needs a mom and a dad. I still root for the parents of divorce when both parents are involved in their childs life.  My ex class mate/bully of 5th grade begging me for money with a child she had with someone who cheated on her, a jail record, ect and tried to get me with her cousin who is just like her baby’s father!!! My other ex coworker waiting for her man to get out of jail so they can start a family off her 10 a hour wage Im like wtf!!! And my other ex worker who is white and loves black men is on her 4th child with the same man in and out of jail Im like this is sick! It upsets me a lot when women allow this to happen to them and who suffers more is the child! I believe when women start ignoring men with no goals, no nothing these men have no choice BUT to stay single or do better.

I cried this morning when three men who had 76-78 kids by 40 women won’t be paying child support…why? They can’t afford to. What had me crying is one of the 70 something kids asked her mother wheres my daddy? The real answer locked up and when he gets out he won’t have time to be with one child alone. So yes I was put off about giving ten dollars, or helping the ex bully ect. also I just don’t like doing loans anyway.

Im just noticing a sick and twisted pattern get with loser who has way less then you, have kid, struggle, repeat.

If it worked out or not I rather my kids have a man in their lives who love them, want to spend time with them, invest in them, and be a wonderful male role model every child deserves. I want my daughter to see what man I want her to bring home and my son who I want him to be.

Calms…..down.

Tomorrow another day at work, another day big, another day still trying!

I wonder if these women have self esteem issues that are too deep and well hidden?

Im still trying to see if ….should I get the other pill or not?

How will my life be once back in Florida….should I stay in Texas? I hate seeing my family only once a year. If I had a degree I could move any where!

How can I help women in the future stop this sad cycle? Im not perfect  but a guy with no goals or dreams is someone I rather run from. Sometimes the best guy may not be the right choice only from the outside, but we shouldn’t pick the worse guy who clearly shows it on the outside and inside!

I will continue my quest towards weight loss in hopes of finding a sane man I don’t have to be ashamed of in public or private.

Woke up at 262.6….darn. Just completed a mini binge, and just 24 hours of water fasting tomorrow.

November 14, 2012

Woke up ate two bowls of mini wheat cereal.

Went to work from 6am to 4pm…..yes deadly tired now, but need the rare extra holiday hours for x-mas.

Work was intense and rushing around and it will get more crazy as we get closer to x-mas.

I didn’t want to stay longer, but thought about my future upcoming paycheck!

Lunch a med. tatter tot from sonics with mustard and ketcup

I called my friend after work as I sipped on a coke zero.

I am greatly happy for her and she really deserves all these great things. We both knew each other like 5 years ago on yahoo, we both were obese, we both related how men treated us and what type of men we tend to get due to our size, we both saw how thin women with zero skills get hired over us, get the guys we had more in common with go for a thin woman who had nothing , but her thin frame, and as she is dropping weight so well…..

She is becoming more popular to men because like we talked about before over weight women have to work on their traits, we learn how to be funny, how to be interesting ect. we didn’t have a body that spoke for us. So now she is this worldy, outgoing, funny girl men are even ignoring their thin flirts to turn around to talk to her, they are even going out with their thin ladies and taking double looks at her, she loves games like me, we both have fantaies of cooking for our men, playing with our future children ect. And now with her flat belly and inching more and more to now being considered just overweight, but all the working out is giving her a nice shape too! We talked for about a hour….and my inner me returned!!! The thought of her enjoying life with out me, having a wonderful time, and no longer able to relate to her……her first true date…..me still none, her marriage……not even a boyfriend….her first child… 😦   I don’t want to be left behind.  It will be me and my fat self.

I felt the urge to binge return! That old feeling….that feeling of I have to eat, I must eat, I need to! I was glad she had to go just in time because I just walked to my apartment.

I ate one bowl of mini wheats, a large bowl of pre made frozen stir fry veggies that I baked, three slices of bread with butter and cream cheese and my 5 calorie drink. I felt full …very full, but not the extreme where I feel I would vomit because my body can’t hold it.

Its like I may not call her tomorrow, so I can stay on my water fast. I keep repeating to myself just 24 hours only 24 I can do this. I have work 5am to 2pm…..going to be tough. I need to reverse today and restart my system.

Have to get up at 4am something …..I am just counting the days Im off again and hope they don’t ask me to work on my day off. I always say yes because money speaks to me even though I regret.

I want to be 250 something so bad….so really bad. Its like I eat less lose weight, I exercise yet my body teases me by being close to 262.4 then go up the next day (thanks to the pizza) to 262.6.

Tomorrow wouldn’t be shocked to be 263 or 264….thats all it takes is one slip up and my body gains, Im perfect and my body stays the same now.

I hate that!!!!

Its just so easy to gain…so simple.

If Im strong enough I would do two day of just water would surly have me in my 50’s!

My focus just 24 hours….will do my best.

 

Today I woke up at 262.4 pounds- The millionaire Resident and others.

November 13, 2012

Today I was thinking back when I worked in the nursing home. You come across the wealthy who can take care of you in over 200 lives off their money alone! One resident stuck out.  She wore her hair short, red lip stick, light blue eyes, a thin figure in her late 80’s. Many thought she was funny based on her behavior. She was blunt too! They use to have this obese resident……………..yes I use to believe that you couldn’t be obese and live to elder-hood HUGE LIE. You can be morbidly obese or obese and still be alive I learned big time! Well this sweet and very heavy resident we will call Miss Flowers. She was sweet, but due to her weight and size she could hardly walk too long, other nurse assistants I found out when giving her a shower would hose the poor woman down meaning barely touching her. She told this to another nurse assistant that some treated her like she couldn’t be touched.

She liked me a lot because I would allow her to have cookies or a thin slice of cake like the other residents. I feel when your super old you should eat as you wish and enjoy the few days or years left on this Earth. Anyway the wealthy resident had a elegant way of talking. She made you understand she was not poor. She married a rich man who did everything for her, bought her anything she wanted ect.

The wealthy resident I will call Miss Jenny. Miss Jenny sat with the other ladies for lunch a nice bunch full of laughter and life. Also Miss flowers too…….long story short Miss Jenny let Miss Flowers know how fat she was and how she needs to be on a diet. I found out they moved Miss Flowers to another table and allowed Miss Jenny to stay there 😦

No matter how old you are old behavior dies hard. I mean I already know when I hit 70 something Im eating as I please and not looking thin for my grandma gown and slippers no way! Pound cakes, bacon and grits, and waffles, everything I want!!!

I was just thinking about Miss Jenny and how three bites of food she would complain how full she is and push her plate away. You couldn’t get her to take another bite!! Somehow she managed to fit in a slice of pie with a serving of ice cream…uh huh…

She even called a nurse assistant fat too!!!

One day she looked at me from her posh sofa just looked at my 300 pound self up and down and looked away as if I ruined her sight. I left quickly I didn’t want to hear from her how large I am….I already know.

Then there was a another resident whose husband owned a very well known company back in the day. She is such a kid at heart and I really liked her a lot! Just plain goofy and told me jokes and shared how she got a inheritance from her uncle when she was in her 20’s he left her 50 grand she said. I said did you save it? She laughed so hard and said NO I spent it really quickly!  She was young and married a older millionaire back in the day. The women residents tend to have married into wealth, the men from education and climbing very high up. Some just had rich kids who were able to afford them to live there….example all three kids are lawyers…yes that helps lol.

When I go into walmart I see people way bigger then me, or same or chubby and the few rare thin. When I use to visit whole foods I saw more thin people. Something to think about. Whole foods is pricey, but if you don’t eat as much you can afford to throw some money there in my opinion.

Today I had a candy bar…230 calories

A can of pepsi….160 calories

One slice of cheese pizza….450ish?

A bowl of cereal….350ish

And a boat load of diet pepsi and cola zero for comfort

A stick of gum 5 calories

Time now is 7:47pm and I weigh at this time 263.2 meaning I should be back at 262 pounds by tomorrow…..come on 250 something!

X-mas is coming soon and at work even us the stock people will have to dress in nice non uniform clothes meaning a dress or causal look!

I have to trim down for that. Not into looking like the great brown bear at work 😦

Woke up 7am weighing 264.2 and now at 6:32pm still 264.2= will weigh less tomorrow.

November 12, 2012

Today I ate at 8am-ish. Three slices of my favorite WHITE bread no wheat or brown bread, but that no no white bread toasted with butter and cream cheese…..such a treat! Then two bowls of shredded wheat cereal the blue berry flavor. I make sure I eat this cereal everyday now since it causes weight loss aka the fiber. After that I didn’t eat anymore just had my 5 calorie cranberry juice and a piece of gum the end. I feel empty like no food is sitting inside me. I feel hopeful that in the first time in YEARS I will be 250 something. Still large, but getting closer ever so slowly into thin hood. I look in the mirror more trying to see where the weight is leaving at, thinking of old school Britney Spears body and others……just thinking wouldn’t it be grand to wake up with such a body…..

 

Tomorrow its back to work, back to boxes, back to hearing thin women say how hungry they are and sometimes I join in, also back to rushing around trying to as they say pick up the pace.

In the back of my mind I know co-workers are commenting on how I appear smaller and it seems like Im losing weight. I hear this, but can’t wait until Im asked out on a real date for once, or have a guy have a crush on me and no longer will I be the fat girl who just looks at passing eye candy taken or not. I can’t wait to slide into a single digit pair of jeans, to go into any store and be able to know my size is there not just socks and hats, and nail polish.

I can’t wait to be able to go out doors knowing I won’t be invisible even though part of me wants to continue to be invisible since Im not use to the attention. I want marriage and my future family….soooooo I have to learn to get over it the best way I can.

Its so exciting to see how my body is forming.

Nothing wrong with being plus size when your healthy and you don’t have weak knees as myself!

Women should be allowed to be a size 12 or 14 and land a great guy without feeling like they must be clones of Mary Kate and Ashley.

Its interesting how I read in the old western days a thin woman came on stage to sing and all the cow boys booed at her. The plus size woman came up and every guy in the room got excited! Today its no longer the thin woman the under dog she is desirable now. I found old ads to even help thin women gain weight! Times have greatly changed. It would take a famine in America for them to seek out the plus size woman again.

 

Going to help to bed and do my sit ups both apps 😦

And then snooze away.

I just hope I don’t go back to my old ways of lusting after food.

I would go to bed full and think what Im I going to have for breakfast?

I could be snacking and trying to figure out what could I wash this down with?

I really couldn’t help it and may be hard for some to understand.

Me and a girl related she use to be 400 pounds now slim and told me have you ever went into a bakery and thought food porn?

I didn’t, but really thats what it is for us!

The icing of the cake looks so good the way it runs down the cake in halt.

The cherry pies all bright and sunny looking.

The juice in the stores tasted so playful and fun.

Potatoes with large amounts of sour cream, topped with butter and melted with cheese was so wonderful.

All this is still very wonderful just won’t buy it until I feel I can handle a serving.

The juice I buy is ok because I can drink a large amount of it and still be within a small amount of calories.

zzzzz

267.4 pounds- And skinny woman watching….kinda like whale watching or bird sight seeing

November 10, 2012

Since doing my sit ups daily…over 150 today ….and yes Im getting sick of it, but it has made me appear trimmer and Im noticing my stomach kinda forming and it still hangs, but not as before it slightly went up. Had two co-workers say wow your losing weight! Once I hit my 250’s then Im in the zone! Today I ate med. size bread roll with butter for breakfast, lunch yogurt with fruit, and snack two cups of orange juice,dinner a large slice of chocolate cake with coke zero. And its such a strange feeling to have a hard time trying to figure out what do I really want to eat? I understand the effects of prozac will wear off and even self magazine said so many years ago to get on prozac, but understand it won’t last forever!  Im still me, just some what better with food. Im a emotional eater and stress at work would equal a cherry pie eaten all by myself! I still feel the urge to binge, but its like Im stopped and even think do I really want that? And able to walk away….such a strange feeling that I love.

My breakfasts were huge, but mainly small, lunch would always be HUGE, and dinner….its a kings feast! I have not binge for days.

 

Saw my fantasy guy in his suit he still lives with family, has no education just the high school, but sadly his looks in that suit would win me over. I feel his shy vibes when around him even though he is greatly out going…..when you know you had a large woman like me staring at you for too long from across the store and then realized you noticed and hurried off with a weak hi you too would be shy and appear kinda nervous like too. More so if you always got and went for the thin girl types. Its amazing when your fat you make a party goer, outgoing type a guy shy.

Talk to my former crush and he feels super comfortable around me since Im silly like and talkive with him,today  we talked about our dead beat dads a co-worker pass me by with a sly smile……Im thinking what ever! I learned that my crushes on anyone is just that a feeling that will just vanish because it was not given a chance to grow into something more due to the other party. Just feelings you never take serious.

 

 

SKINNY WOMAN WATCHING:

A natural habit of mines anyway. I like to guess the size, and watch eating habits of strangers who are thin. Like the thin woman seems to order things that are not even that great (I read in the skinny hand book so she won’t over eat on it) or be very into a topic with a group of friends and take a few bites and throw the rest away and no one notices because they were too busy eating and talking themselves. I also like to see the fashion and clothes they pick and think would I wear that? Or thats a little too much or thats flaw less. Even at work I look at clothes and swim suits I would love to fit someday. I notice some skinny women have this strut some walk like they are stomping the ground real hard, others normal, and others like real models. Im working on my sexy walk as well lol. Its very educational to watch skinny woman. Skinny men ….no good plus they burn fat at a faster rate then women so I can’t relate to that. When I see a girl or woman who is pass the 300 pound mark I notice she is alone, the thin ones never and if they happen to be alone guys are checking them out!

 

My goal sounds decent to me by January first 2013 I want to weigh below 230 pounds.

I have apps for my thighs and stomach, but my back has these serious rolls on them and I need something that will reduce it asap!

My long distance friend getting more male attention, Im back on track 269 pounds,former ride, and new favorite apps to lose inches

November 8, 2012

Im back and feeling 100 percent better! Tired yes, but looking at the glass half full most of the time.

My friend who recently turned 30 and now losing weight so well that she is noticing more positive male attention.

Not the men who have zero goals, super old with zero goals, just plain ultra ugly, or slang talking men you know would not make a great father figure for any kids you may wish to have!  Even though she is a size 14 now and yes for years struggled like me with her weight and after all these years from a size 20 I believe to now a 14 she is noticing guys checking her out even in check out lines! She even has learned to flirt back with her eyes ( a skill no obese woman should ever do in fear of being laughed at or have the other party feeling greatly insulted), she says wearing color helps and how she always wore black…..I was like here we go.

Its like whats better black clothes or color? The little black dress many women get thumbs up if they happen to be little in it.

I seen gothic girls in all black get great guys and they wear mainly black with a dash of purple. *Again thin gothic girls*

Its kinda like saying blondes are hotter then brunettes and now were hearing that brunettes are hotter. The secret in my opinion and from I notice when a woman loses weight she tends to go blonde( not all women)! So yes thin blondes are hotter then being a obese brunette. Jet black haired women are considered hotter when thin.  Whats annoying kinda is as she loses weight she feels maybe it was this or that. Kinda like the Christian woman who lost over a 100 pounds and now says God is sending her men because she has been so faithful to him (yes true story). Like my long distance friend feels that by going blonde men will pay more attention to her. I feel this way….go blonde as a size 20 or 30 and see if hair color alone will improve the men you get!

As a 14 they notice her and she is no longer invisible. No date offers just they now see her. As a size 10 she may get a date offer. As a 8…she surely will, a 6…SOLD.

She now has the door opened for her, before she could struggle with a lot of things in her arms and try to get the door open and people still kept going! I don’t want to be left behind……..

 

 

Before I got sick I was up to 279 in pounds at some point, but felt pretty fast! I got sick drop 8 pounds because I couldn’t eat, plus the throw up and such pretty much caused the rapid weight lose. Since on prozac I can think better because Im no longer eating out of stress and feeling terrible due to where I live. Im able to cope with it and know that someday soon I will be out of here as long as I stick to my budget I will be ok just don’t get comfortable. Today Im 269 in weight. Sadly Im happy to see 260 something again! My golden weight would be to weigh 250 something since I haven’t seen that weight since I was a teen! It would suck to be the obese one still many years later as she shares her dating adventures with me. We both agreed that when thin yes there will be few guys who won’t be interested in us, but the majority will and thats all that matters is we will have better choices. Last we will get better treatment and such compared to now. I mean there are women who admit that yes because I lost x amount of weight I got this favor or that raise last month ect.  At my job we have tons of managers and some who started only two months ago now have higher pay and promotion….when a larger, sweet, manager has been in the same position for years wants to be promoted as well. And men are not the ones who are judging alone its the women too. Like my friend we just want to be respected as humans and treated just like any other person it shouldn’t be based on your size.

 

Its amazing with my former ride we went from ride buddies and talking and me putting up with her off ways to not even seeing each other maybe 2-5 percent of the day at most mainly to pass by each other…..and its best that it stay this way. Last week I heard her talking to a coworker at work. He was angry that our assistant manager made him do tons of work alone and feel we all should be over here to help. Our assis. manager likes to split us up so when one finishes they can join another person to help. Back then before I got hired and before the old managers departed they would all do one area together then move on together. Anyway he started ranting to my former ride as she was passing by, she then goes on to tell him to go to HR about it thats your best bet (she never gets that sometimes people just want a listening ear) he was like yea, but (he continued to complain about how they are changing everything and she kept saying report on our assist. manager to HR. Me I was working and listening as they went back and forth. Well guess what? Our assist. manager was standing near by listening!!!!!! Me, my former ride and the guy all looked shocked I was shocked from a distance none of us saw her!!! Just think of being caught by your assist. boss that you are trying to report her! The next day we had a meeting by the main boss of what she is doing is right!

So yesterday our assist. manager was to come in later that day, but we still came in at 6am. Make a long story short my former ride came and took my departments buggy ,hid it behind some large stuff, I needed it, a co-worker showed it to me and began to help me get, my former ride was on the computer wasting time told me that when she is done with it she will return it! I told her its almost time for us to go home and I need my buggy now to be able to do my work, she said no!! I stood my ground …the co-worker who was helping me left because she saw how things were getting heated. I then began to move the stuff alone. My former ride got up and said I will do! I said ok. I was going to help her and go upstairs with the buggy she says I will bring it to you in a nasty tone I said Im here and I can take it! I then said you know what Im reporting you to our manager! She said fine report it to him. I stop and thought of last week and other times she upset the assist. manager anjd thought ok I will. SInce she said it like that …..true the guy will talk to us…the end. The female manager she won’t. Today at work my former ride looks at me and says see you got your buggy back with this large smile I wanted to just go away! I said uh huh…in a weak smile. She thought I went to the male manager….

Well our shift was over and she was no longer smiling at me and hurried off. I don’t mind sharing the buggy, but I really had to use it right then. And get this theres a cart near her area, but she won’t touch it because that other co-worker won’t let us near it!! And her tone of voice was uncalled for. It has been since day one working for this company that its her way or no way. She made a guy quit because he thought she was the manager. If I quit she has to go first Im not leaving because of her. I am proud for the first time I stood up to her and didn’t cry later on because I felt power less instead I felt ticked off greatly at her behavior.

Long post right!?

Ok I decided that every little thing counts.

I walk to work and back, I go up and down ladders and stairs sometimes thought out the day. The only thing I noticed is a smaller butt (its still huge) I hope my butt gets way more smaller with time. Having a large butt tends to attract the same attention as if you were obese. Not many men with class and education are racing for large bottom girls maybe rappers, and guys who wanna hit that as they say. A nice shape is ideal for any woman……I just don’t get the ones who get these fake butts to get guys who only see the rear. I get the boob jobs though since some end up married to wealthy men, or just really cute guy who played football in high school and now the locale cop. A natural so called large rear is decent though, to the smaller sporty types.

Anyway I saw no change. My body is now use to walking 30-40 minutes to work (yes found a short cut) and back. Its use to the stairs even though I can hardly breath after three flights. So I turned to these apps and feel and see a difference in my stomach area!!!

 

1) Burn your fat with me!!!     This app is really for men its a Japanese girl with large eyes and super cute voice tells you (the guy) that you use to be so cool and had energy because well you were trim. So you do sit ups to make her happy. Each sit up I do I press the button and the screen moves closer to her as if the guy in the game did a sit up.She is holding the legs and counts down for you and encourages you to keep going! I love it, but wish they made one for girls. She is well dressed and covered, but lumps in her top reveals she is not flat chested for sure. And when she is ready to do sit ups with you out of no where she is wearing a white t-shirt and it appears to have on panties? After the sit ups she dresses as a youthful nun again. I love this app though and to hear encouraging words makes you push yourself though the pain.

2) Steel Abs A6W

This one is HARD!!! I struggle with it! No joke this could be the one to give me rapid results. I choose this app and the one before because I can do it laying in bed=no excuses.

3) Squats

I just started this one today I need my thighs to be smaller its gross. Each squat I did I could kinda see pretty much why a decent normal guy wouldn’t be after me. Between my legs big large lumps of fat it was a horror. I kept going in hopes of no loose skin….

I have other apps such as a piggy bank, spanish learning and memory helper.

I better prepare for bed now. Tomorrow I hope to be another pound smaller and closer to my goal.

Feb. is around the corner and if I can just lose 20-30 …50? I can at least snag a V-day flirt right?

My favorite site is:http://www.mybodygallery.com/

You can enter your weight and height and get girls of that size and height and see yourself though them.

I love to put my height of 5’10 in and go lower and lower and see how with each lower weight the girls just look way more ideal.

Midol….Hospital….crazy ward……prozac.

November 3, 2012

Three days ago my monthly was ending (aka period) bad cramps were over and once a month anyway just for one day…..just one day. I use to take midol the blue box called midol complete, but later on upgraded to midol extended because they are the best!!!!  I take them when my cramps are at its worse! Well midol extended is the greatest as always I thought. I always know when it has gotten into my system, my feet and ankles would feel pain free, I would get this sudden wave of energy where I would work longer! Four days ago I went to Walmart (passing that subway) and went to buy midol extended. Only two boxes left thats how well it works! My inner me was like one box will hold you over….I bought the last two because I felt at the time I didn’t want to return to walmart for more…..now walmart is like my second home, but wasn’t thinking that at the time.

So three days ago 5am something in the morning, I popped two midol pills (which is fine I done so many times before and the box gives the ok). The pills are so tiny, but such wonderful results. I had already ate some of my oatmeal before taking and then after. I felt fine as I headed outdoors in the dark of the night. Half way to work my stomach felt odd…..my silly self thought wow me nor my stomach cares for oatmeal!

Long story short….between 8am-9am I had the serious runs! I didn’t understand why the sudden runs? It was gross and just plain eww!

At 10am as I then felt so weak I wanted to faint. Had three different managers asking me could I help them in their department I did my best to fake it and was like um sure if I can ….yea Im there!!! I knew I was feeling bad when out of nowhere broke out in a sweat, I sat in the break room and curled up in a fetus position in one of the plush chairs, alll that was on my mind was I wanna go home….home…bed….use of my toilet…then I felt strange desires to throw up. Two of my co-workers were in there and they thought I was joking or felt sick because of the extreme work load were getting soon that day. I told them why would I joke like this? And if anyone notice I don’t like my breaks in the break room I like to sit out in the mall, I done two truck loads worth of work in the past and my body never done this, and I don’t call out!!!!! One co-worker said that if I leave it would be unfair for the rest of us to have to do our large work load and somehow do yours too. I said well thats team work our managers said we have to pull together. He then says thats bull and he wanted to tell them that because he hardly gets help himself! I said if they call you up to do my work you know what happened.

Break is 10 minutes,but I stayed for 20 I was just too weak to move. I walked slowly back to my work area holding my stomach and thought to myself look at all this work I do and all the people I help here….being sick it seemed impossible, but at the same time had to be impressed with myself that Im able to handle three departments at times even though one is not mines. I tried to pick up a light shirt and it was heavy!!!!!!!  I never felt that weak in my life…..midol extended 12 hours had ruined me for the first time.

Lunch break I threw up three times….women rushed out of there quick not wanting to hear me. I got advice from HR and she told me to try to eat……I knew I was sick it was 11:30ish-am and I didn’t eat yet. I tried and spit it out. My body was rejecting things and I felt I was forcing more in it. I really tried to eat and I did sip some water, but made me feel so nauseated. At 12pm it was pointless for me to stay at work. I told HR and manager I have to leave. I couldn’t even make it to clock out. I told customer service to please help me I can’t walk all the way over there to clock out just please. Against the rules, they allowed me to clock out there.

I sat down, walked out, sat back down, walked…..I then got to the bus shuttle just in time and got home and got into bed quickly.

In one day I lost 8 pounds.  Was it worth it? Deep down yes, but NO!!!! I would never want to go through that again!

All night I thought I was going to die. I thought how I never exp any guy saying he loved me, never had A child, always saw the glass half empty, how some people shouldn’t be in my life,my family.

The next day it took me four hours to get ready to go to the hospital because I was still very weak, but felt a slight improvement.

It took by train and bus a hour and a half to get to the hospital.

I then went to check in and told her Im here for midol side effects and I been waiting in line and feel Im going to fall over the more I stand.

I also told her since Im here I want pills for depression. She said Im suppose to be here for one thing, but she will allow the two.

I went to the back with a RN (talk about fast service  which is not known for this hospital) she took my vitals and everything was great.

Told her how I vomit, felt weak, and I took midol…..

She looks at me and said we need to deal with your depression first, I said but….but…my stomach would be more ideal.

She said well lets deal with your depression first. She makes a quick phone call and she said to follow her….

I then follow and I started feeling real nervous because Im not crazy! I saw too many white walls, white floors….

She then shows me to someone who looks like my fathers mother, neck length natural hair, dark skin, and sounded educated, and a friendly look to her.

She then talks to the RN and I break their convo saying wait a minute!!! Is this the crazy place?????

Are you guys trying to put me in a straight jacket?! Im not off I just know whats going on with me :/

The doctor looks at the RN and says wow she speaks so well! She knows where she is, this is rare….blah..blah.

The lady at the window asks for my name I said my name is ___________she ignores me…doctor repeats what I said and then the lady at the window says ok thank you. I said huh?

I was asked do I feel like killing myself or others? I said no….didn’t mention with food it is pretty much killing myself slowly, but I knew where I was.

I was then checked, had my stuff taken away and my shoes and was given hospital socks I felt ripped away of everything even my keys and money!

No cell phone and I said what will I have in there? Tv and a couple of magazines.

I was asked by five different people who brought me here? I said I came here to the hospital for help well for my stomach first. They were all shocked since one said people are forced here.

I was like ok I have to go! I then stopped. I have no insurance if I leave then no help. I feel terrible all the time and yes due to where Im living, my weight, never having a boyfriend, and not making the right amount of money…yes im sad or a worser term depressed about it. I told them all of that and how its hard to cope. I even mentioned my binge eating how I have eaten so much in the past that even when full I was upset I couldn’t fit more (yes really) There were only me and four others (four other real crazy people) One felt the government was out to drug him, a talkive skinny lady  talked to others and herself…I made sure she got the cold shoulder not to talk to me (sorry).

A big overweight black dude two hours of sitting and reading on the 3rd magazine comes up to me and ask do I wanna play checkers with him? His slangish accent, and serious tattoos, told me yes he is being paid to ask me do I wanna play checkers with him. Kinda like a rapper asking oprah to play checkers with her type moment. I had to laugh and went right back to reading.

Then the three guys tried to bother me and get me to be their joke like they done with the other four. Got them to look stupid (not their fault really) they said whats your name? I said ______, and went right back to reading. Over time my stomach was feeling like it was running its course. I saw flaws since I did study psychology, and mental health ect. they were not suppose to tease these people anything could of happened to them or others. They were Nurse assistants the guys and girls should know better.

Once the other doctor came a guy with glasses, spiked blonde hair, and grey scrubs came out he looked at me and told me to come in the private room. Asked me why Im I here? I shouldn’t be in here. Him and the others have declared me normal. I told him Im fine I just came for stomach problems, but since Im here wanted to see if I could get something like prozac? I told him Im having some hard times, and I just want to be myself again who Im suppose to be, and I can’t return to college unless I feel more positive and feel better. I told him all my plans of business and nursing and maybe psychology.

How I type is horrible, but when I spoke of passion of my goals and how I am in need of some help. One was shocked how I pretty much diagnosed myself.

I came in with them thinking I was crazy and was brought here by family or some kind stranger. I left with them feeling comfortable enough for them to be alone with me knowing I wouldn’t randomly attack them and relate to them on a normal level.

I was there for 5 hours….after 5 hours I did demand to speak to who was in charge. They said Im in lock down and after the nurse finnish up my papers…

well after I said im here against my will? I rather leave with no help then to stay here any longer which is making any depressed feelings I do have increased!

Yup they got me out of there asap after. I was in no danger to the people on the outside world, so why not?

I may even get free mental health insurance…..which is sad because if I had a stroke or something free is nowhere. If Im depressed, or anything related, or hearing voices saying to harm others its free? I don’t know I feel all Americans should have at least free health care at least 5 times a year? Anything!

I didn’t want to stay at the hospital another five hours for my stomach problems. I left and went to Kroger to get my pills and anti-runs pills and hoped for the best. Next day went to work had stomach shooting pains and had the runs, but still carried on. Today I can say Im 95% cured with slight stomach pains here and there.

I hope prozac helps aide me in my emotions because if Im not happy….then its time for food.

I won’t need it once…

1) I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life

2) Better pay

3) Back in college and passing

4) Safer area to live

5) Driving

6) At least a size 6 and under…under….

I missed a day of work….will see it in my paycheck, but I had to take off for the hospital.

Went to a ward and was told I was suppose to go there(A different area of the hospital far from the ward) for my problem since its so light (no kidding) and I told him Im never coming in a ward again!

My co-worker (another one) was glad to see me back she had to do my ton load of work and hers and …well least she saw my average day is like!