I don’t know what Im going to do……

Just finished watching this video and even though my dead tired my mind is like what are we going to do?  In the video she mentions how shopping for food is the high light of her day. Same for me without food what do I have? I don’t have a true close friend in the same state as me for hugs when I need it, someone who understands, someone we can hang out and I can be myself without fear! I don’t know what fun is for me and only food excites me (really) and playing my sims3 game can get dull, and if I was thin I would try new things because the world would be more open to me and not shun me away or act as if Im not in the area.  Even after atkins my taste for sweets ect were gone, but slowly I feel it coming back!!! I binged ate today on things I didn’t want after Im done with it, but just needed something (besides the carrots) to chew on that had carbs in it…lots of carbs. Im full now after eating two different meals plus a protein shake. I did the oatmeal and its like as I age Im getting only worse. Things that I could do such as oatmeal and two tuna cans losing 2 pounds a day I don’t have the power to do it anymore. Part of me wants to be just like this lady just be home, eat, and feel trapped in myself. Im trapped even though I can walk and work…Im trapped. Im trapped and in my own jail within my body because strangers won’t allow me to live like a thin person can. I can’t expect a date, I can’t expect to be judged based off nothing in a good way, I can’t have jobs that would want me small in size, I can’t go into any store and see my size, and like this lady said my knees do feel weak. Like today the right knee just randomly gave out!! Glad I caught it…if not then I could have been on the floor! My job requires me on a ladder a lot as well so much use of the knees daily. She said she loves sweets that was my huge problem and slowly its coming back 😦 and we are feeding a void a big void!
Dr. Phil said we ate for one reason then turned into another. I binged seeing my mom be thrown on the hard floor on her knees and beaten and when I tried to call 911 he stopped me. And again she stayed with him for about ten years of this even though as a 12  or 13 year old I begged her to divorce him. I hate hearing women lie and say they stayed with him for the children….no you leave him for YOUR children. The real issue is women are afraid of doing it all alone, the bills, up keep of the lawn and such when he the abuser did that.
So now I eat due to feeling lonely, male less, and overweight. Its a sad fact that when you see an overweight person if it wasn’t for their weight back then who would they be? It’s too late now. Say if I never got fat I could have been an actress, or a model, or finished in college by now, or married with my second child, or anything. Just think if Hilary duff was obese….she would never been on Disney channel as Lizzy, never made millions, never been in Hollywood, or even with her new-born son and married…nope she could of been like me or better at least have her degree, but still not where she is today.
I just can’t stop eating doesn’t matter if Im full or hungry…..just doesn’t matter.


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6 Responses to “I don’t know what Im going to do……”

  1. Rose Chimera Says:

    You’re aware that you eat emotionally? Food fills voids for you that nothing else does. For now anyway. You binge eat–stuff you didn’t even want–why do you even want to stop eating? You simply can’t. You have to eat to live and there’s no way around it.

    What if you woke up tomorrow and everyone in the world weighed 200lbs or more? Man and woman. Would that change your view about food?

    Please understand that I am NOT criticising you at all. I have the opposite problem. I have trouble eating. I know, I know, you probably wish you could have that problem. But either over eating or under eating its still a problem with the sufferer.

    Have you ever thought about what food does for you? Represents for you? I’ve thought about it…for me. Food represents control. My life is out of control and raging train wreck waiting to happen. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth. The hunger pains are proof that I’m still alive. So what is food to you?

  2. dietriotgirl Says:

    Hey chickie. Instead of having this battle with food and the scale and your appearance have you tried having a battle with your emotions? When your head is in a better place we make healthier decisions all around. Maybe try to sit down and privately write out your most inner feelings. Your past. Your insecurities. When you feel like binging write down whats going through you head, word for word. Just free write and discover what is going on emotionally. It may help once you work through the mental thingies.

  3. ebonnie Says:

    It is my emotions as well and habits its so strange…..Im fine and then it hits me I must eat!

  4. ebonnie Says:

    If I feel any discomfort I eat asap! Now I don’t know how hunger really feels since I don’t allow my body to feel that or if I feel a hint of it I grab something fast. I believe you though and see from your view at the same time. Yes I eat emotionally…..V-day is on the way and seeing all these couples adds salt to the wound = me binging. If everyone was 200 pounds it wouldn’t change my views since I know men would still desire someone smaller and if theres one thin woman in the world of 200’s fights, and highest bider would win her. I mean doesn’t it feel bad to have the hunger pangs how do you ignore them?

  5. Rose Chimera Says:

    I think detroitgirl has a very good idea/point…battle your emotions. Or figure them out. Food for you is just a pacifier for all those emotions that are causing you so much turmoil.

    It only takes one time…when you feel discomfort…do something different than eat. Or if you just cannot do that and HAVE to eat go for something that is low calorie but still fulfills the emotional need.

    I don’t agree with you about men…all men…desire someone smaller. I’ve had a lot of BF’s over the years and not a single one of them wanted one of those skinny, malnourished looking women we see on the cover of magazines. One actually said, I don’t want to hug those sharp bones. Every man I’ve spoken to about this topic and it is many have consistantly said, yes they look at those skinny models but they wouldn’t want one. Also men will tell you they prefer a woman with a healthy appetitie. To eat half a carrot and claim to be full is just BS!

    As for hunger pains, no it doesn’t feel bad if I have them. Why? Because those pains remind me I’m still alive. They remind me I have control over my life and what I put in my mouth. That is especially important for me when life is chaotic and out of my control. It helps to be able to control SOMETHING.

    I hate V day, ok? Hate hate hate it. A lot. I am single now but I hated it when I was married too. Why? Its way too much pressure on everyone. The men to buy the most expensive gift they can or cannot afford. The women? Their over inflated expectations! Why is it one day a year we show the signficant one in our life that we care? It should be everyday! V Day is most certainly not a day for singles (translates as losers on V Day) to be going anywhere in public. Its just depressing.

  6. ebonnie Says:

    V-day is terrible for me and I agree it should be everyday! At this point it doesn’t have to be expensive I would take a 5 dollar gift card to Barns and nobles and a flower from outside somewhere. I hear that alot about guys getting with larger women, but when I see this he is not a guy a sane woman would want or he is sane and very rare and is already taken. My emotions are just plain sad

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