Work and how my culture will have you believe your just ten pounds away from anorexia

Today I woke up at 4am to get to work by 5am. What a day and got off at 1:30pm…got a extra 30 minutes so much work and more to do! No one is happy anywhere in the whole store because we all are very busy and no one can help the other (thanks to the coming holidays) They hired a few temps that will be coming soon to help us thank goodness!

My former ride called out yesterday even though we had two days off after that whole thing between us she needed another day to herself….so did I, but bills keep coming they never stop. You can stop, but they don’t. Its going to take time too for others they are use to seeing her near me (she always came to me) they were like wheres your partner aka my former ride. I say I don’t know! Well she was off and even busy herself today, but its best we don’t see each other for a moment. I have not seen her face once in four days counting the two days off. Plus shes calm and more watchful of how she act and what she say to others these days….no one is complaining about her anymore.

My culture will have you feel other races are crazy about the slim body and will say things that they have a boyish figure,or real women have curves*rolls?…fat women can have boyish figures too. Depends on shape. I got my hair done by a friend/not a friend (what do you call these types?)

Anyway she looked at my body saw how my jeans were kinda baggy and saw how my thighs are not that big (they really are just the jeans did me a favor)

She said if I lost just 30 pounds …….

Ok Im morbidly obese and yes im tall so I don’t appear as bad as someone shorter my weight as they seem to say and view it. I get it. But if I breath like Im about to die after three flights of stairs…not the cute heavy breathing, but the breathing of someone who needs a oxygen mask, my arms are huge, rolls on the side of me, gut hanging, and can’t walk fast like a normal person I know I don’t need just to lose 30…..then guess what?

I ate like I could afford the calories!!! I believed her and said yea your right!!

For a day I see why some if not most really feel they are just thick(thick a term created by my culture), or just need to lose 50 when they really need to lose 200 pounds…I now get it. Its others words of brainwashing that make a person feel that way. No not everyone has to be a size 2 to be healthy or a size 6 or 8, but media has us believe healthy is a model look when really healthy does come in all forms of sizes….just not in the obese or morbidly obese range.

Her words made me feel good…real good…but those words were also part of why I never noticed my weight increase in such a bad light until later on. The guys will say im thick too, not fat. Well I know Im at goal when I get better guys after me…not in looks, but have goals and have a future, and would make a great father someday.

I ate pizza two days ago like Im a size zero who is rebellious for the day.

Times are slowly changing, but its amazing how we live in a country that shows thin women or fit/slim women on maagzines, but were thinking of keeping a butt and fear losing too much weight will make us lose it? The butt to me is over rated. I care more about my chest area.

I now understand and have to be careful and ignore the your just thick, or just lose 20-30 pounds talk or your not that fat Im even told this by those 3-6 sizes smaller then me :/

There was this biracial girl who got in a debate with me years ago online. I knew her dad was black based on this……I felt since I see it daily that black men date white women at their largest. In Target (a retail store) one in her wheelchair (due to her size), had to breath with each word stopped me to show me pictures of her black boyfriend she been with for four years and how he drinks and doesn’t do this or that…..but all I noticed was her size sad I know. I have a habit that if you have a guy I wish I had I will guess your size in hopes of being that size. If your fat really large and complaining about your guy…I mean what do you expect? Being fat is seen in a way that you should take a guy no one would really want. I get that too. Guys who would never ask me out if thin ask me now because they are losers and feel at my size I shouldn’t want a decent guy.

Anyway my race of men will go for the small and fat, but are known here to be with super morbidly obese women she can be white, black, latino. I said this and the biracial girl got really mad and saying thats not true. Even tried to prove it by sending me a pic of her mom …..well her mom was huge really huge and another 100 pounds would make the poor woman bed bound. I told her that her mom is on the plus size…..I got tired of debating and just ignore the emails its like me fusing with you that Im really skinny and that its you who can’t see that.

I watch, my life is in the back seat due to my weight. No fun, no dates because I refuse to date anything with two legs. I see the women who are fat having to support the men, then at work seeing the thin wives and girlfriends having their men hold their hand treating her to 80 dollar pair ..A PAIR of panties and 100 dollar bra ect.

Then a fat manager at work I over heard her crying saying how she been single for years, and how no men want her…aka like me refusing to take any guy with two legs because your fat. Shes pretty she has these sea bright blue eyes (not all blues are the same) and the sweetest person you have ever met, and a hard worker at that. I just hope she someday loses weight I understand her were getting older and still single? Thats a sad life.

Today I ate 1200 calories one soda and three donuts in one sitting. The carrot idea works….I did it yesterday, but once you eat a whole bag of carrrots……???Guess I need a bigger bag…how sad. I did enjoy chewing something at least even if its a veggie!

Not long ago I saw a girl who looked 400 pounds barly able to walk. In the mall at the food court for a bite to eat, and then aimmed to walk a little more…..I was proud of her. This stranger must of gotten advice….or maybe her own thoughts that I need to go out even if its to the mall. Staying in the house is a huge no no for us. The longer we stay inside the more likely you will hear of some 1000 pound man or woman. Its not rare or hard to be 1000 pounds,or even 500 pounds when you have a disorder. No one is going to call the news station and say hey I weigh a half a ton come flim me! It happens when life is at risk, and doors have to be broken down to get you out. Like in the news a morbidly obese girl died in the house of fire because she couldn’t fit out the window, but the others were able to and did live. They say she enjoyed church…………others were angry and asking why didn’t the church help her? Church like I been saying since I was young…church is he the solve all.

I better head to bed.

Another work day, and later that day no guy to meet up with to go out with ect.

Im so marriage minded it kills me! I want kids badly oddly it hit me at 25.

But I refuse to bring kids in this world for my own selfish reasons and I don’t want others tax dollars to support my child. If Romney wins lol I joke we will see less out of wedlock kids in America. Too many fall back in goverment help and I know if Romney wins he is taking that all away!! I don’t think it should be taken away….just new rules such as we will help you with the first child, but child number 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10…yes really ten she was in the wlfare office seeking help. I had my hours cut at one time and was seeing if I could get a temp food card students get sometimes, but nope so I went to the pantry about three different times. Back on topic after child number 2 they shouldn’t reward people who pop babies for fun who then grow up in hopeless enviroments and the cycle continues.

I better go to bed now!!!!

Interesting fact: At 300 pounds in high school my mom got a call from my school that Im anorexic. Funny, but its a fact obese or overweight people can be anorexic in the future not all, but it happens. My mom couldn’t believe it and said they need to watch me eat at home! In middle school I was picked on alot for stupid things such as I don’t act black, Im rich (even though they wore name brands I never did nor care to), and really I didn’t understand what whats up met until later on and that made them pick fights with me for no reason also I was shy and kept to myself….so once in highschool I had panic attacks when I go to school and saw people my age…so for lunch I just didn’t eat until I got home…meaning they thought I was anorexic! I will admit the title made me feel special and will flattering as well.


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6 Responses to “Work and how my culture will have you believe your just ten pounds away from anorexia”

  1. dietriotgirl Says:

    Chicky, it’s a sad world we live in. SO much judgement. Have you ever considered online dating? You get to pick people based on their personality and even get to see their looks too. I have a really obese friend who went on several dates in the past TWO weeks alone. She never meets people outside. And she met some decent guys but she is insecure with herself. She’ll met a normal decent guy and just question ” why would they want this fat me?” and then pick a bum guy over the decent guy… overweight.. not working.. cause she feels soo insecure that a decent guy wont truly like her for her. Sometimes people are out there but our own insecurities or shyness prevents us from being open to those chances. WE are afraid of rejection and getting hurt. But, that’s dating in general.. skinny…fat… it’s a risk for everyone. Everyone experiences heart ache.

    I’ve been saying with my blog it’s not about the number on the scale. Sure some weight needs to come off, maybe alot but don’t assign a number. YOu can loose that assigned number and still not be healthy. I think its better to focus on getting mentally right and then just moving. LIttle by little. Go for a five minute walk each day. THen little by little increase the time you are walking. Then when it doesnt feel so hard to walk that little amount, walk faster. Take it slow and day by day…just like that girl in the mall..just try to go a little bit further each day.

    I’m glad the carrots worked! And you know what eating the whole bag of carrots isnt that bad! It’s not as many calories as you think and that stuff is good for your body. So keep at it. Hopefully after awhile you can ween off the habit.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    I tried plently of fish, but I get all these men asking me for sex when I made it clear no sex! But a size zero tried the same site and now a married stay at home wife with child now all within 4 months of dating him. Me I get the ones who want sex only the end or the rare ones who just want to chat and even admit they are trying to get this hot girl ect.
    I tried a plus size site too and got a guy bigger then me and he is was in his late 50’s, but looked kinda older then that. Maybe your friend got lucky? I don’t know…..

    Carrots worked I will try to make it a habit to chew those then a brownie and such lol

  3. tfaswift Says:

    ebonnie, was your mum a more average size than you, or anyway just smaller? And – I know this is personal, so don’t answer if you don’t want – but was your dad ever aggressive towards her? It might explain why you overeat. I will be doing a post about this later when I have some time, but I have a theory that a very early childhood experience might “teach” our unconscious mind to overeat, even if consciously (logically) we want to be thin. So two parts of our mind in conflict – one part thinks it’s better and safer if you are obese, and the other part just wants you to be thin. In a battle between unconscious and conscious, the unconscious will always win, so if that’s where the problem is (and it’s probably something that happened when you were very little and maybe can’t remember it), then the only way to fix it is to “unlearn” that lesson, so that your unconscious mind will realise that it is actually *more healthy* and *more safe* for your overall health and well-being to lose weight.

  4. ebonnie Says:

    when she had me she was a size 14. I was thin. Today she is a size 16 I believe and me still a 24. He wasn’t in my life to see him do bad things just heard of them from my mom then my two ex step dads were abusive as well. I hate how the mind works I don’t get why it picked the idea of binging, but what else could I pick?

  5. tfaswift Says:

    Hi ebonnie. Even if your biological dad was gone by the time you can remember, you would still have seen him doing bad things to your mum as an infant. You can’t consciously remember them, but they will be stored in your unconscious memory, like if you lose something in your house and you can’t remember where you put it, but you know it’s there somewhere. And then you have actual memories of two more men being abusive to your mum.

    My theory (and it’s just a theory, but you might think about it in case it helps) is that your unconscious mind learned a lesson from watching your mum (who is a regular kind of size) suffering at the hands of three different men. The lesson was this: men abuse women. Your unconscious mind may even believe that men are so dangerous they might put your life at risk, and the lives of any children that you might have one day. Even consciously if you know that it’s not every man who does that, if your unconscious mind believes it to be true (that all men abuse women) then it will try to protect you from men.

    What’s a really good way to protect you from men so they don’t abuse you like they did your mum? Make you eat so much that you become obese and then YOU refuse any man to come near you. There are still men who want you, but you reject them as the wrong type of man, and also you want to be thin before you allow a man into your life.

    This is all perfect according to your unconscious mind because it means that you are SAFE. There is no man in your life because you are obese (whether the men don’t like you, or you don’t like the men, it makes no difference). Your unconscious mind might believe that it is saving you from abuse by driving you to eat more than you need.

    Consciously you badly want to be thin. You know how to do it. You know what you should and shouldn’t eat, and how much. But you still do it. Something is making you do it. If my theory is right, try not to be angry with your unconscious mind; it is trying to save your life from abusive men. It is trying to help you. It learned lessons as a child which nobody has ever corrected. Like if you teach a child that dogs are bad and dangerous, that person will grow up to be afraid of dogs their whole life, even if most dogs are fine. What you teach the child will tend to stick with them for life.

    The only way I believe to help to “un-learn” this lesson so that you don’t feel the uncontrollable urge to overeat, is to get some therapy for that. I don’t know if you can treat it yourself. But at least I wanted to make this suggestion in case it’s correct. If you think it might be right, then understanding why you do it might be the first step in actually being able to stop.

    Basically, it’s this: as much as you badly want to meet a good man and get married, on some level, deep down where you can’t even remember it or even aware of it, you are secretly afraid that if you get a man, he will abuse you. That’s my theory. I really hope I haven’t offended you in any way; I’m just making a suggestion because I can see from your blog how unhappy you are with the situation. You can always delete this comment from me if you like, if it’s too private.

  6. ebonnie Says:

    I wasn’t born yet when he was in the picture. When I was born he was out of the picture. My mom tried to get child support,but couldn’t because he didn’t work. Now my ex step dad had a gun to my moms head I was told, but I was only crawling then and saw it, but never recall that. I get what you mean though. Even though I have no memory of everything my ex step dad did maybe I do somewhere.

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