so lonely and new obsession….

I want this normal life that only thin women get. I hate hearing about such and such fatty who landed her a great guy yea took her many…many years and by luck. Thin women meet wonderful guys daily a fat one maybe once every ten or so years sometimes never and having to settle with a guy no one would want unless on drugs and mentally crazy.

I try to cut back…lose a few pounds….gain it all back….repeat. Since no longer having rides I limp a hour walk to work…limp during work and walk so slow because my feet hurt so badly…and limp after work. Pain pills and pain sprays help somewhat ,but the pain returns greatly after a few minutes with the spray and the pills kick in later and for 30 minutes then I need to pop more, but don’t in fear of over dose.

After work and limping, heading home. I go through this garage parking and saw this 400 pound woman with her short thin friend encouraging her to continue.  I was right behind them limping the larger woman said sorry I repeatedly told her I understand and people tend to out walk me and that she is the first person ever I have out walked, but repeated I understand.  She said thank you as I continued on.

The guy in the suit again I saw his great smile, just perfect image.

He always act shy around me and its strange. Part of me feel that he would of been interested if I was at least a size 6. I am told how Im I single, how nice, or funny I am ect ,but it just adds salt to my lonely self.

As I type Im in the verge of crying. Its sad when you wish you had a child even if your single with him/her. I wish I was married, had kids just a bunch of fallen dreams.

My new love and obsession other then food is now money. Yes money. I work and figure how can I spend less and how much will I have if I save this a month. I won’t let money go, I recount it, gives me something else to think about. Today I have 1200 dollars saved my goal is 10,000. I have no kids, no nothing, but me…me…me.

The money is in a pile of 100’s sitting right next me. I love holding it, recounting it makes me feel special and that I have some type of worth somewhere in my life 10,000 would make me feel rich…20,000 on top of the world….30,000 in high style heaven!

Part of me is like if I keep saving I will have something thats worth more then having a relationship, or kids, I feel guilty, but deep down money is almost becoming a God. Been thinking of sleeping with it under my pillow. I don’t trust banks don’t want to see a missing amount (read in the news about such and such bank employee…), I don’t want them having any record of it. Just direct deposit and I withdraw and hide it well within my small place.

I just love money right now its the only thing I got going for myself besides binging and feeling lonely and feeling upset since the only cool boyfriend app who says the sweetest things to you is in japanese 😦 you can read the subtitles in English, but rather a hear a voice for comfort….or at least pretend.

I been reading and watching youtube videos to hear of women who have been overweight never date either and in their 40’s,50’s, ect

If someday I ever become thin Im going to be shallow too just like men were and will always be towards me.

Just binged because Im so sad right now everyday Im lonely and it hurts seeing couples together (not the fat ones since the men they get looks like they settled)

 

I don’t know what Im going to do with myself, was considering taking zantrex 3 pills with alli diet pills….desperate.

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5 Responses to “so lonely and new obsession….”

  1. dietriotgirl Says:

    Girlie, I have followed your blog a few days ago/a week ago and I took the time to read every single entry you have posted from beginning to present. My heart breaks for you. I sympathize and empathize. But, i disagree with your world view. I understand it. I’m sorry you had such negative experiences and lack of acceptance. It wasn’t always all fun and hearts and bubbles for me either. I had my fair share of fat judgement and abusive. But, i choose not to give it power in my life, and in my heart. You are what you make yourself. You are worth only what you value yourself. I applaud you for not settling or doing the sexual favors. I think once you believe in yourself and your beauty you can gain some confidence. Just because you are big doesn’t mean you have to settle or support or man. Doesn’t mean you have to date a thug or someone you don’t find physically appealing. But, it also means you DON”T have to not date either. You can meet people. You can date. I did. I have been big my whole life with the exception of one short lived stint being skinny in highschool. And honestly that was my longest “single” time …when I was skinny. Skinny doesn’t guarantee finding a good man. I know MANY overly obese people who date, who don’t settle. I didn’t settle either. We’re not exceptions. We just choose a different way. People will judge us regardless. Might as well go ahead and be happy. Don’t let that judgement of others hold you back.

  2. dietriotgirl Says:

    ps. sorry for the typos, just woke up.

  3. ebonnie Says:

    Thats amazing I didn’t think anyone was reading it, Im flattered even though reading this could lead to depression for some. I know someone who got upset she said its the area I live in thats why I can’t meet anyone decent. I work in a very high retail, located in a mall. I pass many people daily and most look decent and none have even gave me a try just the ones no one wants really. Im trying to stay positive,but its really hard when your sad daily. Some coworkers are becoming curious as to why Im single because (yes I fake it well when I am hurting inside) Im playful, funny, and seem outgoing. When I do fix myself up I get the guys no one wants, but in greater numbers not just the reg. few. I work, come home repeat unless it involves school. Someone told me to go to Austin Tx since they have decent guys there….but do I really want to waste money to go to Austin Tx and just be single there instead of over there?
    I don’t think your as big as me! There is a size that it big that can meet guys more over me. Thank you for your kind words and don’t worry about being peprfect Im far from perfect with words,spellings,ect as you can see. English is not my major.

  4. tfaswift Says:

    Hi ebonnie and dietriotgirl, I follow both of your blogs. Health and nutrition is one of my interests and I’m actually taking a course in how to be a weight loss consultant and also a counsellor, so I feel real compassion for people who are struggling to lose weight. People become overweight for different reasons and they have different eating habits. Binge eating is a particular type of eating problem and requires its own type of assistance to help lose the weight. I actually have my own theory about one possible reason for it. I plan to write a post about it on my blog – too long for here! When it’s done, I’ll let you know and you can see what you think and if maybe it applies to you ebonnie. One question, you mentioned no man in your life – but did you have a father who was aggressive towards your mother? Even if you were very little, just a baby. Even if he left. Was there ever a dad around? It just goes towards my theory in case I may be onto something that can help people who binge eat. If it’s too personal, don’t worry about. You don’t need to tell me.

  5. ebonnie Says:

    Im a open book. I never had one. They were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was crazy where if a guy glanced at her he attacked….jail record ect for stealing, beating up gis current girlfriend I heard to the point police listed him as if he tried to kill her…thats how bad she looked, but she drop the charges. Only seen him twice in my life as a teen because I searched for him on google and sites that where free at the time. He had zero interest in me just my mom so he can leave the other woman. When they were together he was abusive, and so where my two ex step dads. My mom was abused as a child and likely why she got with those type of men. I use to cry and still deal with no father figure. Even at 18 I fell for a bus driver who claim he would be my dad (I never told him I didn’t have one, but its popular in my culture) next minute he kissed me and I felt grossed out and so sad. I wanted a dad so bad that I fell for him giving me a quick kiss days later he was in his 60’s. It felt horrible because I never kissed a guy before and didn’t want him as my first. The men in my moms life never wanted to leave my mom had to leave them. I get angry at women who are abused who are in tears saying they stayed for the children I don’t buy that and will tell any of them quickly if you cared so much for your children you would LEAVE. My binging started with my first ex-step dad. I was raised to believe he was my dad when young. I was like 11-12 of age and he treated me differently from his own kids. Punished me more, for little things and called me greedy just for drinking water too! I got spanked the hardest (why Im anti spankings) I didn’t understand why he didn’t like me as if I was in the way, plus attakcing my mom punching her, and when I ran to call 911 he chased me and took away the phone (before cell phones existed)
    Out of no where I just started eating like five peanut butter and jellies, lots of juice and sneak away. Took me years to say oh thats how I coped. Never had a positive father figure and never had positive male role models in my life. Yes I admit it has made me whoI am today. Im working on it …hard.

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