This is why Im fat…stress.

1) I been using my ride again then drop her again. One minute Im tired of her and tell her I will walk the hour walk to work and after work =2 hours….walking doesn’t make you small its the calorie amount. Walking helps, but can’t fix a 3000 plus calorie intake. Anyway last week was the last straw. At work my assistant manager told me to do this…problem is she had to forget because she told my ride to get me that I will be working with her today. I was working on the project I was told to do. Next minute my ride comes and tells me lets go! I was speechless Im like huh whoo what? :/ I was confused picture working and by habit such as myself you drift off in a perfect world where food is dull and boring, your trim running on the beach, then BOOM your ride comes square face and serious and tells you LETS GO! I then collect myself and in a shy matter and yes nervous voice say well so and so told me to do this. She says forget what she said drop that and LETS GO. I said well let me finish what she told me to do then I will come and help you. She said no lets go….everyone knows she is a little crazy, she acts like she is a manager ect when she is just one of us. She got so upset that she stormed away angry. I felt really hurt by that just standing there and I can see why she is single and why both men pretty much left. Average size not fat or thin should have better luck in the dating world then me. I just stood there just feeling small, hurt, and oddly alone. Long story short I went to the assistant and told her to please tell her next time I will after I finish. Me and the assistant thought that was common sense, but not to her. Well ride confronted me since she got talked to, left with watery eyes and stormed away again and no this is not a young person either. From then on been walking to work and after work. She hinted do I want a ride…and I just ignore it. I been limping more greatly so since walking to work and after and during the shift on my feet for hours plus my weight doesn’t help. Been limping, binging and on the brink of tears. Its sad that I know people with cars who wouldn’t save me if I was stranded. For example two days ago my ex coworker admitted that when I walked in the rain in plano tx stranded trying to make it home said remember I never offered you a ride……that hurt and I just brushed it off. She is honest very honest. Someday she will be in need and I won’t be helping her lucky for her she does have some family here. My other ex coworker after getting hit by a car when driving now gets me. She refuses to learn the bus system, angry how her family won’t really drive her to work and back so many of times she is using a taxi (15 dollars to work and 15 back home). Shares how stressed out she is and how hard it is. And how no one will give her a lift. I pretend to care when really in my mind Im thinking well oh well too bad glad you get me now. We live 5 minutes away from each other even if I offer gas she never would get me, even allowed me to be stranded outside when I thought I missed the last bus of the night after work. Recently she said if I had a car I would give you a ride I said all these times I needed a ride you never got me now that you don’t have one somehow you wish you could…stuttering and somehow she changed the subject. This is the same person when I said Im at pizza hut she somehow manage to drive there and eat my pizza with me for free, the same person I have treated out twice for lunch somehow that car was good enough for me, same person if she did give me a rare ride to wal-mart would look at me and ask me to buy her a drink and start talking how she has no food (even though she looks far from starved)

2) A few months ago maybe three my assistant manager had me another coworker track another worker down :/  we then found out he went to the bathroom…well she got on him harshly to the point he was so pissed off I stood away from him. The assistant felt he should of told any of us a grown man he gotta go bathroom. Well I forgot all about that and did it myself today and somehow I was the only employee to have to go to her office and as she sat there on her computer use the other computer close to her and type where I go at such and such time during my shift :/ Yup …next minute after work Im downing three bottles of mountain dews, went to pizza hut for cheese sticks ate three gave the rest to a homeless guy who said he was hunrgy and washappy for it…I did so because I felt so tired, gross, and nothing,but a eating monster heading to being a future bed bound person on TLC. well went home binged on toast and tatter tots and felt heavy as I limped back and forth to the kitchen in terrible pain.

3) My schoolong is impossible because of my job. I won’t learn how to draw blood only going on mondays so didn’t go at all….but I need to just to go….I am tired and need more income flowing in then what Im getting now. Plus its like I found out they go through many managers and assistants…Im thankful the assistant hired me she did save me from losing my place without knowing it, but I hope they bring in some new ones.

I been trying to fast daily only to fail, been trying to eat lower calories such as 1500 only to fail, I fail and fail and fail. Water fasting will try again tomorrow. If Im thin and lose my job by being laid off or fired or Im just sick of it all at least I can get hired at hooters, or some posh place that only loves their employees trim and sleek. Being fat it takes longer to land a job….so much longer. It hurts to hear a thin girl go shopping and someone ask her does she wants to work here? no applying no asking just going outside lands her a boyfriend, a job, ect. I head outdoors and get beggers, guys  asking me how much I charge when Im covered up real well, and most likely to get hit by a car someday as I try to cross the street. Once again I will try tomorrow.

Its like being fat and binging is such a slow death sometimes I have wished I was dead its much easier then struggling with my weight and trying to stay positive and all happy go lucky when your dying inside. I always said I want to see the best this world has to offer before I go…so once again I will try again tomorrow.

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2 Responses to “This is why Im fat…stress.”

  1. dietriotgirl Says:

    I hope you find a way to finish your schooling. I don’t have the stomach to be a nurse even though i love helping the sick. It’s really a great field. I’m looking to go back to school for medical billing and coding so atleast i can be around helping people.

    As for the diet. Take it slow. One week take something out of your diet. Like junk food. Then the next week take something else out like sodas. Then the following week replace on meal with a healthy portioned meal. If you slip up, don’t binge. Just let it go and keep moving forward. If you need diet aids , nothing is wrong with that. I heard sensa is really good.I never do diet aids or programs only because i can’t afford it! If i was working I would try something in a heartbeat. Stay away from the fasts. It messes up your metabolism. Thus anything you do eat or eat following a fast will put the weight back on faster.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    Me too! Schooling would help me out so much when completed. A job you love,better benefits, and decent pay. Medical billing and coding I heard is good recently. A coworker said his mom makes 40 a hour, but is indepentdent. Just came back from walmart took about 2-3 hours of walking around, debating…such a sad thought of going back and forth with yourself if you should get the apple pie or not. At the end I placed it back I know for a fact I would eat the whole pie once home. Fasting has its benefits, but true it slows down the metabolism and read somewhere around days 10-20 its a good idea to maybe lift weights to bring it back up, but right now can’t get past down one or past 6 hours.

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