Food addiction is so real….my day just like any other normal day.

I woke up another dreaded day fat and single, another day going to work and going home to nothing, but sleep and maybe some reading in same ol  same like every year. I complain to myself how I have to get up 5:20am in the morning to be there by 6am  Slip on my pants I got from Target from the mens section size 24 wide these are my 4th pair within 7 months since my thighs rub the middle daily it will have a hole that grows revealing my inner thighs.

I woke up thinking wow another wonderful day to diet…again. Been trying for years and years and years and funny part is im rarely hungry. I have a food addiction…without my addiction I would hardly eat. Naturally im never really hungry. Its my mind it all starts there with a thought of food then it grows and by trying to think of somnething else it makes it stronger. Then I get thoughts like this:

1) Just one serving won’t hurt..

(turns into several servings going over 1000 calories easy)

2) Im fat anyway may as well eat this, theres always tomorrow

(Yes been trying to lose weight since 16 many tomorrows later)

3) well eating one meal a day worked in the past for me I will eat one large meal and thats it…

(Yes eating one meal a day worked, but over time my addiction got the best of me and it turned to many big meals in a day)

I can go on and on, but when the impulse to binge comes all logical thinking is gone and my focus is food and how I must have it! Its like I must have my next hit, my thoughts, daydreams are only of food and how to sneak away and get it or if home how fast can I make it even to the point I may eat somethings cold.

My ride comes I make small talk on the 5 minute ride to work, we have to go up three flights of stairs by the time I reach the top Im breathing heavy yet still feel im not getting enough air in my lungs and have to take a seat for a few seconds…still breathing hard and hurrying to the time clock before im considered late…my day begins.

Lots of hellos, and good mornings as the day goes by more hellos as the next shift comes in later random good afternoons are given to you with cheery faces, you learn who not to say hi to because no matter what they will never return it just act like your not there. Up and down ladders, still trying to heal the palm of my hand since using the box cutter..by mistake my palm got slashed so deep its still partly open and been replacing it with band aids and cream from the jobs first aid kit. Another long slash next to it that wasn’t as deep, but enough to bring up blood.

Ready to surely go home and happy its 1pm. One more hour to go before being alone at home doing nothing, but awaiting another work day. I don’t have cable or any station, so im not the average fatty who goes home flips the tv on and spend the night with the tube and snacks. Since going to work from 6am and on I had been snacking on pocketed goods that I can slip in my mouth through out the day, ran out…back to the locker room to refill my pockets. Snacking on these little sweets helps me feel calmed, slightly happy, and less stressed with each mouthful, each bite somehow semi relaxes me makes me feel its going to be ok I can be adult about things. Once I ran out had to find a way to sneak back. Even having snacks throughout the day didn’t stop me from buying a debbie cake from the snack machine, or glad lunch was around the corner for more chewing. Once the chewing is over so is my fun. I don’t know what fun is, its when I eat it appears. After work my coworker was kind to drive me to Target as always anytime we go to the store you will see some super morbidly obese person in the motor chairs provided by the store. I know how they got there…look at me :/  I needed water and got some dried fruit. People who get to know me notice I eat more healthy foods then bad foods problem is I eat several servings of these healthy foods repeatly, healthy foods don’t equal slimness calories….calories…and calories.

On exiting the Target we went to and where I tend to go to has a pizza Hut and its hard not to stare. Only very…very…large black women are hired in there :/. The cashiers are  chubby whites and blacks to slim whites and blacks…but their pizza Hut section is like ok then. One once caught me staring and ask how are you? I said im fine and rushed off. I do believe they deserve their job its a bad idea to have us sitting at home no job to give our bodies a break from eating around the clock. My coworker said you saw that lady she looked to be 500 pounds! I told her no more of 400. The women are all a easy 350-400 and something pounds. I befriended one and she is very huge and saw me as her goal weight. You know its bad when your super morbidly obese having me as your goal weight a morbidly obese. At my job you won’t see women have that size ever, you have me and exactly about a total of 10  fat women and everyone else is average to slim in size aka slim means model size…again I was shocked to be hired and forever more I will love this company for the chance, its a large company with alot of employees.

I was dropped off glad to be off my feet, a two hour nap im back up try to call family or so called friends or friends I don’t know. Now brainstorming of tomorrow. I feel like eating right now, theres never a moment my mind doesn’t think of food. Its like thats all I have. I have no one for hugs, family in another state, but lets get real here I mean hugs from the other gender, someone who loves me, someone we can go out together and explore something new, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter days, someone other then me alone, someone to plan future trips with, someone to talk about that hey I have someone too! I wish I had a ex boyfriend, hell at least a secret admirer. Im not the average fat girl who settles or doesn’t understand im settling. I want someone im not ashamed to be with in public, someone I do really love I mean a dog can be for company, but human wise someone I see I can live with.

Its getting late and another early morning awaits me and more boxes to cut and more chances to slash myself by mistake again. I mean im 25 and been obese for too many years… too long.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: