I feel hopeful…even though I failed water fast…there is hope

I just came from walmart and I live in the ghetto….strange part is a five minute drive (really) and your in the upper class area. My area use to be the most popular area to live apartment wise I heard, but when certein folks move in it goes down hill, but there is a very classy whole foods near by, the most popular well sought after mall…its just strange how its like a five minute drive equals a good or bad area. , im use to better areas then this, but when you live on your own with student loans to pay and on a budget (somehow your food budget is flexible) then you have to live here.

I got a few items like pizza, but it will be homemade flour  tortilla…

Flour tortilla + cheese+ pepperoni+sauce=350 calories as a dinner or lunch maybe breakfast I don’t know, even got some 60 calorie per serving greek yogurt.

Work same ol same ol, have the same coworker who acts like your friend, but is snappy to the point people are like wow shes rude…..then you got the super christian worker who reminds you the end is near and Jesus is on the way, then you have another coworker is is bossy and can be just as rude point out how rude that one was to you (which she can be everyday, but use to it) , then you have the worker who smokes or the other one who is just as broken down in her health offering you weight loss and health advice when you don’t have as much ache and pains as so and so or her,the men tend to be sane enough where you want to tell this women to shut the **** UP! But you hold it inside and remind yourself someday when you leave you can lose all contact. You see how they are single  too what sane guy can put up with all those issues and bossy ways then the next moment your smiling like nothing happen?

You got a bunch of skinnys passing you by or you over hear how they are soooooo hungry. Guys view you as the cool chick, or funny one, anything, but a possible future relationship. I swear I can’t wait to be thin these same guys will want me and I too will hold shallow standards so you want black barbie? well I don’t want a guy making low wage same shallow out put I would give to them!

My ex roommate was 5’9 and 124 pounds …he weighed. Some thought he had a disease when truth was he was cheap to the point he bought hardly any food for himself he got fatter once I moved in.Having someone to spilt  the rent with and share food with, his face later got more round and he started to developing a gut…he hurt me bad one day calling me fat he thought was normal and ok, he is from Africa. He even told me its ok for men to be fat, but not women. Anyway he was broke, nothing going for himself yet wanted a thin large chested woman like wendy williams, but her breast must be real. He said he would never want a fat girl….later found out that he desired me for SEX, like most men fat women are just great and dandy for sex purposes.
I can’t wait to have my day when im slim and every guy who is see me as the nice girl will be told nicely NOOOOOO!

I have problems with guys meaning I really don’t know how to flirt, or be romantic, or lead something to more in a postive way. Being in this body I learned many ways to lie so they leave me alone, I learned to ignore the “Can I hollar at you”, “I love a big ass”, ect and just walk away as if im deaf as they continue to beg for my attention to get my number. I know how to talk to guys where they feel comfortable knowing I view them only as a coworker or a work friend meaning a friend at work never outside of work. Part of me hates men  alot, but want one so bad. I see the thin women with their men who loves them ect yet I got the flavor flavs and 50 cents and Jay Zs of the world tracking me down even some I feel are closeted gays.

I know what losing weight can bring, I never forgot at 17, this Greek God of a looking guy MY AGE range never said hi, never paid attention to me, would have to say hi or I didn’t at all, passed him every work day. One day I decided that well im going to eat, so I will just exercise. I ate as I please and after work put my PC game of myself fitness in for a hour everyday I didn’t know I was losing weight I just did it :/

One day he noticed me…said hi. I was like…hi?

Next day he talked about how he is here and is in medical school to be a doctor.

I was like wow. I was shy, but not with him treated him like any other cute guy who is not interested in me like a brother or his buddy, or better a imaginary friend ….until he openly flirted with me and I was so shocked and didn’t know what to say, stuttered, and ran the go back cart right into a shelf of toys.  He just looked and I hurried off to hide and my mind went spinning. I felt I was a monster, how could anyone want me or look at me? I went home and  noticed I was much smaller I couldn’t believe it….that was my taste of the possible future.

At 23 of age I was losing weight good again, yet I covered my body up and even wore my hoodie on my head I wanted to hide from the world, had on some decent jeans and I went into Tom Thumb, this guy appeared to be following me, but thought it was in my head because he went around the corner, but came around again. I got a drink and some items and a magazine and when I came out the same guy yelled from his car your beautiful over and over and over near by people were staring not sure was it because he was white and im black or how random this was or a combo of both? I went home to cry a long time because I didn’t think so, but a total stranger did…next I gainned my weight back on. I noticed a pattern cute guy notices me I gain weight back on.

I feel deep down this is it, I feel im ready, ready to work out daily and eat normal will fast later down the road, im ready for a relationship I understand why im this size to protect myself from men due to my past as a child. Not all men are evil…shallow yes, but not all are evil and not all want to hollar, once thin they want a coffee date.

Heads to bed.

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