Im water fasting tomorrow, I can’t take this…

Like last night and other nights as I try to sleep…panic hits me…I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I know its in my head because at night everything is so quite and I hear my heart beat so clear that it feels like i’m in the mist of a stroke or something. Reminds me of my days as a nurse assistant, there was a 400 something pound resident, in her 60’s who shouldn’t even be there yet. Her name people joked about because it met tiny meaning she must of been a very tiny newborn. Anyway everyday her light would go on thinking she was about to have a heart attack and would get angry if no one came to check and see if she was having one. After the false alarm she would have us hand her several mini bars of snickers she had her daughter tuck away. She even confessed to me that she recalls feeding her family a pound of bacon every morning. Her daughter and husband is slim and it wouldn’t surprise me she ate the majority of the pound of bacon.

Work was pretty much the same with funny moments here and there. As always which upsets me someone my age will walk by as if its nothing as I try to speed up, I learned my fast speed is really slow compared to others and its much worse when someone old enough to be your grandparents walk by, so I have a habit of looking down on my phone pretending to look at it so focused as the reason why my pace is like this.

Same ol same my size 00 coworker everyday goes on and on how hungry she is….im not stupid this is another popular skinny girl move making it appear that you are hungry all the time and eat all the time yet you either go alone and eat likely a bite of salad and several cups of diet coke, or eat with another coworker order something fat like eat it, but thats all you will get the whole day and will tell family oh I just ate not understanding yes 8 hours ago! Anyway she goes on and on and vanishes alone and comes back all cheery and happy (I like her, but envy her boney like figure) , the average skinny that looks like they do enjoy a normal meal, but they work out alot….and yes all of them share their trainers, or classes they go to, after a long day at work they head straight to the gym, some work out 6am by jogging, come to work by 8, leave at 3-5pm and hit the gym…..yes I listen, just because I look really into my work I still listen.  I noticed just like size 00 these size 2-6 girls say they are so hungry go on and on like clucking chickens.  You know what they do I found out to stop the hunger? COFFEE they all rush to coffee and then come back to work as if they had a wonderful meal at McDonald’s. When I was new and heard all these skinnys going on and on about how hungry they are im thinking ok maybe they will go to Panda Express, or Sonics, or better that grill place….nope to the tiny coffee bar for a cup of joe and all better.

As always I see customers I would love to date, even on the outside world the cute officer, or the starving artist type look of a guy, yet the only ones looking at me is former Katrina victims who want to hit this up 😦  even looking at my butt up close yet have nothing going for themselves only they are male.

There is this girl around my age, share the same race is a size 0. She proves to those who feel we are suppose to be thick (what I call chubby or just 5 pounds away from developing a side roll) its easier to eat then to eat less. Eating less is not harmful, its bad when your on your death bed doing leg lifts. So called pro ana girls look great to me they are not truly anorexic by being 5 pounds underweight. A true anorexic you will know when you see one trust me its like being a size 000 or 000 and a half then your pretty much dead. Anyway she is tall like me and like most skinny women at my job of all races look great in anything they slip on. Everyone goes to her she said and ask how is she that small tell me your secrets. She said this because I asked. She said she doesn’t work out or diet…in my mind it went SHE IS LYING.

Alot of skinny women say they don’t work out….and that could be true some just eat very low calories like my friend ….its a myth they are naturally thin.  My friend ate half a hot dog and was full, hours later said I’m hungry :/  I said what do you want? She said its ok and somehow the hunger went bye bye?

Now some say they don’t workout yet they do…just they don’t count doing laps and laps in the pool for a hour exercise..its fun or a hobby, or they see hiking as a adventure not cardio, or playing a game of volleyball with their girlfriends just fun sport not a calorie torch.

I just want to be like them even if I’m a butter face too I rather look great from the neck down then be pretty from the neck up and single as what! I refuse to settle and a reason why I never ever had a boyfriend and im 25! Im not one of those fat girls who just take what I can get. I get backlash from some big girls who insist they have a great guy and bigger then me….um good for you. See thin girls get great guys daily asking them out, fat ones maybe once every five-ten years and if she turns him down she will regret it and have to settle. Yes you can meet a amazing guy as a size 12 too!!! 12 in my eyes is not too bad, nor is a 9, but the smaller you are the more guys you can choose from. Im marriage minded and this is very important for me. I promise I won’t become obese either after the wedding, after having my first child I promise to hit the gym as if im a famous star in the media, I can’t wait to cook for my husband, make sure the place is clean, wash his clothes, I care less if the seat is up its a reminder im no longer fat and single! and make him happy….hey everyone has a fantasy!

Just to be one of them.

*To say its my genetics why im thin when like most skinnys have a fat mother, or father, or aunt someone if not all.

*To be able to wear anything….as a plus size person you really have to find things that don’t make your fat pop….like in the make up world girls look for makeup to make their eyes pop…well not a great idea for people like me clothes wise.

*To freely flirt with a guy without him seeing you as a joke or feeling degraded you would pick him.

*To go up three flights of stairs without people coming around you asking are you ok and won’t leave your side until your breathing is normal

When I worked at walmart…we had few thin people, but mainly out of shape coworkers and customers. I wanted to lose weight then and even lost kinda good, but put it back on. It was like oh well and what can anyone say when two of the managers couldn’t get on ladders (I can and do everyday) they were both so fat they were four times the size of me people stare……but where I work now its like you really want to be thin, its like having all these fat friends (walmart), but now at your new place of work most are thin…enviroment really plays a role.

Guilty thoughts lately too….been watching youtube of these super morbidly obese people with tons of food, getting a goverment check and able to stay home. I will be honest its like how can I get that, why can’t I just eat, eat, eat into a sugar coma?

I want to live, but being thin seems so far fetched. Just ate 6 servings of chocolate moose track ice cream covered in heavy chocolate syrup, with plenty of whip cream on top. And note to self never buy anymore hotdogs…ate another two all this as I type in front of the computer. My feet sore, can’t carry all this weight everyday.

Its going to be hard,I will struggle…I really love food alot.

Im 25 never had a boyfriend and want to do things that im not allowed to due to my weight such as learn how to ride a innocent weight limited horse. Texas is not my home, but I can’t leave it without doing some Texan things here.

Good night….wish me luck.

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