Just ate two hotdogs yet want more…more….more….

9:31pm….ate two…wants more.

I just feel like eating…six hotdogs, about four servings of serious chocolate ice cream, three bananas, those nature barSSS, some breakfast burrito from Chic-fa-la how ever you spell the place, and everyones fat joke favorite…yea with a diet coke…well coca cola zero to be exact. Yet still feel like eating…that diet of one bite per hour I was doing great and zero hunger…but as a food addict it was like teasing myself….kinda like someone trying to stop heavy drinking by taking a sip each hour.

I got many diets, many advice such as eat six mini meals…yea again its a form of self teasing. Almost like a stripper who teases a man and shows a little and then a little more make him desire her more, you get the point.

Today work was tiring, tons of boxes to unpack, passing customers or the few men who look good in my eyes at work who either smile and keep going, or say hi and keep going, nod a hi with the head and keep going, or talk to me like im their best male buddy ever! Reminds me of this guy at work who I was joking that he going to be on this job someday in his 40’s (were both 20 somethings) and that im going to visit him….before I could finnish he was like WHOO whoOOO wait what you mean?? I was taken aback, but breathed and thought well your fat so he is just worried you are hinting to interest towards him thats all. I waited for him to hush and continued and said yea im going to vacation here in Texas maybe with my future family and shop here (he makes what appears a sign of relief)  and I hope I don’t still see you here (he laughs) and says I promise you won’t I won’t be here….then goes on about his dreams, and goals…I like hearing others dreams and goals it makes a person seem so much more to them then what you see.

Im too nice im one of the few girls who says something nice daily like I love your outfit, I will notice a new hairstyle, nail color ect I may envy you, but if its nice I tell you. So many women at my job is thin…I mean model thin, then you got your average thin…then your chubby, then fat, then the rare obese. Yes when I got hired I was beyond shocked me a fat person in a high class retail store? This only happens in movies.

Tomorrow another day, another day that yesterday was a failed, only time Im truly not on food is when sleep…this is no way to live. I tried a lot. Water fasting is fast results, but just as hard…..im just tired of trying and failing so many years of failing and being in this fat body when everyone else looks so good..

Im going to bed work at 6am…another day to try, I can’t stay like this I will never be happy…so many cute clothes 😦

Cute clothes vs cookies

A boyfriend vs Hotdogs

sexier frame vs taco bell

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