Archive for September, 2012

Thin women need fat women heres why:

September 27, 2012

1) If all women were thin that means thin women would all have to work on having better personalities like a plus size woman has to. No more sitting there or saying a dull hi and just being thin makes up for all other flaw.

2) Men would judge who you and what your about then just the outside (size wise)

3) Men won’t settle for a thin women with a flat chest when he can have a thin women with a large chest or he really wants a tall thin woman and not a short thin woman ect. all women being thin means men can be more pickier.

4) You are judged by your work experience being thin and lacking skills will no longer get you the job.

5) You won’t stand out as the ideal beauty your just average.

6) Your career as a model is over, it would go only to the few rare chubby women who manage to put on 5-20 pounds as you flip through magazines and books for their secrets.

7) No one will care, or wonder, or ask you how you get to be so thin…since they are too.

8) A size two is simple everyday size nothing special

9) You find yourself buying books how to get a date, how to get a I do ect all books blaming you for the reasons why your single

10) You can no longer rant or feel grossed out by fat women since they would be the ideal since they are now a rare sight and you can no longer go on and on about fat people since really deep down you need them to boost your self esteem.


At my size having a crush means nothing,but a random feeling you hide until it fades away…..

September 27, 2012

In the thin world having a crush on a guy means he may have a crush on you since forever. You two talk and next minute you two are dating end of story or the first page to it. Me I had many crushes I lost count remember I’m 25 of age. In the past,future and now I will forever have a crush on a guy and if he finds out he shall stay far far faaaaar away from me in hopes I get it. It just comes out of nowhere, he looks cute,sounds decent and next moment you have a crush you get the drill just ignore it and someday soon the feelings fade away more so when he shows everyone a pic of his new hot body butter face girlfriend 😦    when your obese for years of your life you need to understand how your life is now,who your married to now, who hired you, what luck you got in jobs and friendship and love ect has been altered due to your weight. You may had kids with Tony and not Greg, you may have been dating susan not Roxanna, you may had been a model not still on entry level training just got hired thin men and women for the sought out position you wanted for years. When thin you can ruin things,but have better chances then us large ones. Me I would of had a loving husband, two kids by now,living in my state of sunny Florida by now not in Tx working in stock, obese, trying to stop eating and drinking sodas and juices and trying to stop chewing my nails and thumb….yes really..I can chew gum until my jaws hurt and the gum is like water no longer chewable. Today I drink 5 cups of fanta soda, 6 cookies, 2 cups of Hi-C, I ate and ate and and just had tatter tots. Today I tried water fasting,but was so sleepy at work from lack of proper rest and being stressed that I ate and drink all I can until I got a temp. energy boost until I had to eat more sugar for another temp boost. Cycle continued and water fast ruined. See it took me DAYS To weigh 265 today I now weigh 272 and will be larger by tomorrow morning. It took me having two days off to ruin my results. It can take me 3 days to return back if I water fast or the so called right way of 6-8 days of eating lower calories such as 1500 and not binging. I’m just so tired of this I missed out on a lot of living and a possible future due to my size. I will try again tomorrow to water fast even though my job is serving everyone pancakes why? I don’t know. The thought of warm flap jakes is too much to handle! Its hard,but I been ready to live long time ago. Tomorrow I won’t fail I will water fast…..I will try. I’m laying in bed as I blogged and I see from my window flashing red and blue lights I see these lights maybe 3 times a week and my guess someone tried to sell drugs. I can’t wait to someday afford out of this area. I heard that hooter girls make 400 a night here in Tx and in Florida way more. I make 600 and something biweekly when a girl just serves hot greasy chicken wings making way more for a few days its like being thin you have a way out too. I can barely move and got work early in the morning and yea been getting rides again my feet hurt so much more when I gain. Going to the bathroom is such a chore. Good night for now.

At work now….ate 1600 calories and woke up being 268 pounds

September 26, 2012

I was laying in bed yesterday almost in tears its like I’m far from perfect. I’m sitting here seeing couples hold hands, talking,enjoying each others company,buying things together YET I’m 25 never had a boyfriend and so lonely I’m so close in buying a pet for comfort. Its even worse hearing of other large women who refused to be used or take a guy no sane woman wants ( such as the three tooth, illegal drug use of a man) are now 45 and even older in age who never lost the weight to attract a decent person. As I watched these women were great with talking to other women,but a guy…it was shaky and something off and she appeared nervous. Is that my future to be single for life? Having to settle to have a baby with a random person just to have a child? I was so heart broken and down I gainned weight on my day off and it hit me hard to only have all these women to talk to. I can’t give up I can’t! I’m trying so hard here. My break almost up and I’m really getting tired of people old enough to be my grandparents out walk me such a
hit to the slight ego I do have. I mean they walk ,so fast with focus and here I am barly making it. I get I’m a gross sight to see and thankful that my job over looked my outter and saw my inner and what I can do. If I can get in my 50s before my upcoming day off I’m going to Austin Tx! I just ate and want more I wish a cure existed for people like me.

Home….Loved my day a little too much.

September 23, 2012

The massage was great, but was hard because he was touching my body (my fat) and I was so ashamed, but he did a great job and even found places such as my shoulder blades I didn’t know I had pain at! He was strong too, so it wasn’t a light gentle touch and you felt scammed of your money as if you paid someone to blow on you.

I went to dennys and my sweet and my meal was a total of 11.something, but gave her a 20 and told her to keep the change when my 20 percent tip should of been 2 dollars and something, but waiters and waitresses work hard for low pay. I even didn’t put on my recipe what I gave her….I will allow her to fill in the blank 😉

She was a skinny woman appeared to be a size 2, in her 40’s, brown hair with purplish dye and a chip tooth and in need of dental work yet was nice and gave good service. Women like her can get any guy she wants yes I toothless THIN women do get great guys. She had teeth at least….but heres a little known fact if you never been fat you sometimes don’t know your worth until you gain weight.

I went crazy food happy……went to mc donalds for a apple pie, one cheese burger, and a small fry…then crossed the street for a personal pan pizza from pizza hut…yes just now.

Heres pics from my Denny’s…

Each bite gave me this unreal feeling of pure joy and happiness the burger was huge and such a delight to look at and with a kick of spice.

I asked for my dessert first since it tends to be faster….funny thing is it took the burger only a few minutes right after Im spooning mouthfuls of thick apples and sugar and ice cream I just wanted to scream in such food addict joy. Everything was so perfect….so perfect. Why can’t I eat like this and be thin at the same time?

Look at this beauty below! Apple crisp…mmmmm

Deep down I wish I had no desires to look good or want a guy because I think food is all I need. Never talks funny, doesn’t care how I look, and never judges me ever!

Today was perfect, the scale won’t be so perfect in the morning and no way Im weighing tomorrow I did serious damage I don’t want to see.

My confessions as a black woman…..on race and dating and what thin women taught me.

September 23, 2012

I was on the bus reading the new copy of Ebony magazine….its rare I even buy it! I don’t really like black magazines since they are kinda twisted such as putting Reggie Bush in front of Essence magazine as every black woman’s fantasy…when he only dates the Kim K’s and other non black women…what can we or other black women fantasize? Seeing him buy her a 50 grand pair of diamond studded shoes….is that suppose to be super sexy for us?

In Ebony’s magazine Oct 2012 issue they did a interview with a group of black men page 132. The men started out lying, but then…



Perry: I enjoy a woman of natural beauty…

Walter: Thats what we all want

Shawn: I typically like slender light skinned women with long hair (likely good extensions she has)

If you continue reading each mans reply its really light skin women with fake long hair or real.

And this is in a black magazine for both genders and what black men want. Reminds me when KING a black magazine thats like play boy announced with pride of using the first non-black woman on its cover when it was hardly old and still not as old as other magazines…me and my friend laughed like we were shocked they didn’t use a non-black on their first issue.

I can google now where dark skinned men sound like a kkk member against black women. This taught me at a early age that racists can be others or even your own.

My mother is a light skinned woman with a small nose in length and width such a strange nose indeed. She had the dark men admires big time! My mom is also plus size too, but Im bigger (how sad right?), but her being light skinned didn’t stop the men from abusing her, mistreating her, cheating on her, and stealing and lies, and even held a gun to her face.

I think all skin tones are beautiful from mines, to white, to asian, to Latin they are all beautiful, but I use to deal with my self worth. In the mirror my skin tone was fine and other races thought so too. Im only light in the winter and my skin tone now is brown since the sun, but it use to hurt when I had my own race thinking Im Latino and would follow me for months and when I say Im black it was like the end? I never had interest in him in the first place :/

My mother cooked, believe in us waiting until the man of the house was home before we could eat, she cleaned, and was a nurse too instead she got nothing in return was blows to her body and attacks and called black bitch and f you’s.

So to the point it annoys me when I hear so and so give his reason why he would never date a black woman some reasons can be true others for the main part are false. Even right next to me twice I had black men give high fives when they find out the other is dating a white woman Im like what if I did the same and gave a high five that im dating non black?

Me I give off friendly vibes Im guessing, sometimes I can be caught slightly smiling to myself because….Im day dreaming, Im playful and love joking around, I cry when Im hurt, I will keep how I feel about you to myself never tell you to your face, Im shy, quite, and someday hope to be a great mother and wife. Like my mom I want to cook, be there for my guy, wash his clothes, and hear about his day and everything that comes with it.

I feel I do have flaws like my feelings can be hurt to the point I will try to talk it out, but if you don’t talk it out…then I shut down and ignore you…for days.  I see the humor in some things that are not  funny to you, but to me it is such as you got a warning at work because you helped a customer who spent 4000 dollars worth of stuff put the and carry the things to the car only for them to call back to report they felt you wanted a tip when you say you didn’t….yes I will laugh…it was funny come on!

What Im saying is Im pretty decent, not loud as the media claims I am, Im shy, and looking for love as I drop this weight.

I feel I can stay out of the sun so much and become light naturally, stay fat, and date lil daddy have his kids and complain why he did me like that when he showed me all these tasteless signs before meeting him, but honestly since young my preference were always cultures with less wedlock rates and high marriage rates and less songs putting down their women. When I say this some do get mad….I find it more interesting that you know what cultureS I speak of.

I have seen a light skin black woman with no arms and legs, but with a black man.

I seen obese white women in wheel chairs tell me of their black men woes (dead serious)

I had seen and others seen white women who looked lesbian only to see her with a black man.

I seen Latin women three times the size of me with black men

I seen other races chubby to a little weight with black men.

What Im saying is sometimes they say they don’t want a black woman because she is not womanly, or not in shape, or uneducated only to get a different race with all the things he didn’t want in a black woman.

I had at work(my former job) a white coworker take her phone out to show me a pic of her black man’s penis saying look how large it is….to me it looked average and I careless about a mans size :/(I just want a man I mean he could have a one inch really) I said wow yea look at it (looks around where to leave her) she told me about him and how her their child went to get his hair cut and requested a black man’s hair style (she laughs, I fake laugh) he just got out of jail again she said and told me you know how (racist N word not the ga ending the er, both are bad really) I said um yea sure.

Some of these relationships do work out really nicely and have a happy ending? But I can’t help to notice the size of the woman and how really she supports him (black women do it too.

Thats another that that sucks me being a black woman sometimes white women kinda look at me like they won a prize :/ Black men are men and I can get one too if I wanted one…just I need to be thin and attract men who have a future and goals such as me.

When I worked at walmart a older white woman and very fat like me, but a few inches bigger in width looked at me and held his hand. I just smiled like um ok. She took out her food stamp card….yea.

Another time on the bus  this morbidly obese white woman leaned next to me in tears and asked why are black men such dogs? I was 15 and got off the bus fast. I was shocked and kinda creeped out. All races of men can be dogs really, but some cultures have higher rates of neg things?

I also notice the thin white and Latin and asian women have decent men who work like them or the women don’t work, he holds her hand and I don’t see a food stamp card being pulled out. Yes all races use food stamp cards, but …..

I feel guilty sometimes that I view all races of women who are thin as ideal. I hate the look of thick and obese such as myself. Its like why did I allow myself to get so large? Too much slacking for too long. I do try and see the beauty of the thick size…but its hard. When  I have kids they won’t be on a diet, but be very active so instead of feeling down and eating about it we will have the funds so they can run it out, bowl it out, ski it out, anything that will have the heart pumping.

Back on topic the men of my race and thin women of all races taught me when a man wants you he wants you. It maybe over the most craziest reasons or good reasons. Like a size zero black girl who gets stalked over and begged for attention just because she is thin meaning to me he likes rail thin women all the men after her. I can be fat and caring, loving, and sent from God, but it won’t matter to the him’s after her.

Like its ok to have a preference for any race of men or women. Like my latin coworker in Florida loved black men and she was young and super large that I even out walked her (thats bad) she told me that she loved their skin tone, the way they walked, but never dissed her own race of men to the point you think she was from the 1800’s racist.

But if you say you don’t want a loud black woman (yet your very hood) and that we do this and that wrong, I feel its just as bad that you date a loud non black woman who has everything you didn’t want in a black woman.

Its like me I hate gold teeth, the sagging pants, the slang, and the give and get nothing of the relationship yet I get that in non black guy and feel its ok….then I feel Im pretty racist myself if I did that.

Me being black has its cons from people judging what Im suppose to be based on the media and yes some black women act it as if thats normal.

Another bad thing in my opinion is being super fat date a culture that feels being obese is curvy and thick almost anorextic and being loved and cherished by him….lose the weight and run back to your own race of men….yes really happened and made me wonder what if we didn’t have a obese and weight issue in America….would these type of couples be so high?

As Im losing weight very slow too slow and looking in the mirror as my body forms from a blob to some form of ladyhood.I feel Im not that bad off yes I feel Im ugly, but Im not my skin tone, Im not my race, Im not the media, Im me just me.


Last note before rushing off to massage 😀

Last year I was heading to the race trac a gas station. A fat black dude with CD’s in hand trying to become the next biggie smalls or whatever rapper he wanted to be.

He called me out and said I like what I see! He told me he is going to be famous someday and making big money (many don’t… be a rapper is a turn of luck and great beats and shout whatever you want on your song) I said wow good for you (I rather date a dentist then a rapper, or better a police officer serving the publics safety then a rapper) He said can I have your number? I said no, but thank you. He was shocked and asked why not?! I said well once Im thin like a thin white woman I will come in your life once you make it…not now. (I feel thin white, asian,Latin women are smart they know their size is valuable)

Plus I watch the media I see how all rappers had a child with a dark or brown skin black woman. Once rich and have it all those women are out of sight and mind.

Being thin means you deserve the best.

Being thin means you can date a starving artist or a famous artist (artist to me means in painting really)

Being thin I can have what I want….even the cute broke guy.

Im learning to love me better slowly at one time I did care about my skin tone, but I see too many thin women my shade darker and lighter to other races to care anymore. My skin is just a oorgan to protect me and I want a guy who will love me now at my darkest to my lightest in the winter. A guy with dreams and goals, and believes in family.


I binged last night….267 pounds :(- Men in their 40’s

September 23, 2012

It was a light binge compared to my real binges I saw a binge of 1000 and something.

So Im no longer 266, but 267…I didn’t want to weigh today or even admit my failing, but Im far from perfect anyway. I got my shaving cream on my legs and my neck yes I grow a few hairs there due to my weight I read and heard so from other former obese women.

I am still heading to Dennys, but no dessert just a meal from there which is 1030 calories yes I found the calories of the side fries. I will get a apple pie from mc donalds maybe two, but its less in calories then say denny’s calories which are 500 and up per sweet item! Two apple pies would be almost the same, but I couldn’t believe 800 for a banana split, or 700 for a slice of pie are they dumping sugar at will when they make these? I want to make my own pro splenda dessert which would cut the calories in half!

Im still highly upset….I ate. I shouldn’t have answered the phone at 8pm something my ex coworker called and she tends to when shes only in the car driving to work or driving from work meaning Im the buddy to call when you feel bored on the road. She called and was on her way to pick up a pizza from papa Johns……………..I almost died inside here I am battling , laying in bed as if Im withdrawing from drugs with serious thoughts and desires of food….I can’t get my mind off Denny’s it was so intense it was unnatural…yet she calls with that! As she was on the phone on speaker I got up and my binge begans… I ate and none of the food I wanted everything so dull and tasteless wasted calories at the end. A day I could of been 265 nope 267 instead.

Wish it was easy…


Also I noticed men in their 40’s sometimes look like the 30’s range. Some look 40’s, but still look good.

Me being fat I got the most jacked up looking 40 plus men I swear when thin women get the good looking ones after them. I mean the oldest man who ever wanted me was 80 years old who cleaned the college grounds.He said a woman like me deserves a good man…I agreed…a woman like me needs a man to hold her hand and not focus on sex all the time….I agreed….I would be perfect for you…my self worth took a huge nose dive!  I seen a thin woman holding hands with a guy old enough to be her grandpa, BUT he was rich! Its like donald trump young or old he may not been the best looking guy, but his wealth spoke for him. Like if I was a fat rich woman I would have my choice of men…yes he would marry me and divorce me and take half my wealth and get a thin woman who will maybe do the same to him, but least I can say I was married right?  But I think I would date a guy in his 40’s if he looked like what thin women get in the looks department.

At work this guy is broke, tries his best, but look so cute, looks make up for alot and I hope when I get thin I hope to have the same effect.

Its sad when you walk on the bus and pass a homeless man and he looks at you up and down… sit, then a skinny chick right behind you walks by him and he gives her thumbs up and congrats for looking hot. I was like wtf Im thinking how dare you be homeless and picky!

Another bus trip a blind man with his stick, dark glasses said he wants a thin woman and talking to the bus driver about this….Im like I thought your blind? No matter what men both blind or not, homeless or not, broke and cute want the thin woman….makes no sense.

I almost FAILED today- 266.6 pounds

September 22, 2012

Breakfast 4 eggs, four slices a toast (only 45 cal. per slice) and raspberry jam (100 cal), then a sweet juicy peach. Lunch a bowl of watermelon. So tired from work I felt the urge to eat plus its my day off tomorrow I was so Happy I almost got my ride to take us out to Denny’s or super salad…I was debating with myself,but said never mind…it took alot out of me to just say no!!!!! No to food.

*As im typing I booked a massage for the 7th of next month..I was like well he is the best may as well wait. He just texted me and had a spot open someone had canceled I am greatly sore*

So now Denny’s and a massage! On a Sunday!

Better shave my legs just in case and try to look less manly as possible.

Anyway Im so close to just hoping on a bus now and going to denny’s and eat what I want. I just been on their site for the past 10-15 min and already got my order and its location plus my coupon Im just ready to eat…want to eat…real badly its sickening!

Anytime I see a morbidly obese person I truly understand were addicted and many of us had a terrible happening that caused us to desire food….desire it so strongly I feel im drooling at the thought of food…I am 😦

No one becomes fat just because some claim they do, but they are lying!

Tomorrow I will order the new macho nacho burger which comes with fries.

Then their 800 calorie brownie a la mode. Total based on site was wrongish because I don’t think it added the fries calories so at most maybe 1700 calories?? Alot yes, but its my treat to me.

Morning will be a zantrex 3……

Night smooth move lax.

And going up the stairs at the train station up and down at least ten times.

Im trying to push myself-267.2 pounds

September 21, 2012

This is me I still have the double chin going.

Took this pic not long ago as well, just noticed my reflection passing by. I came from whole foods with a medium thing of watermelon and one peach total 8 something….yea I don’t go there much. 8 dollars could of went to the mushroom angus burger meal at mc donalds around the same cost.

I woke up had some greek yogurt with dried fruit and a splash of honey added. Lunch sonics a medium tots with a hamburger and coke zero. I wanted a second burger, but since I ate breakfast it was a no go. It took so much out of me to just pass on by sipping that zero calorie acid. Calories I had today were 1400 calories.  I semi jog upstairs at work throughout the day instead of riding them. In the morning we use reg stairs three flights and as always Im out of breath once at the top….but I soildered on.

My pants feel slightly roomy…just slightly.

Had a elderly sales woman get upset that I didn’t know my way around the second floor…when thats not my reg floor she went on and on and was very rude saying don’t I see the signs above…Im thinking I wear glasses and Im not wearing them. I just said uh huh yea ok as a customer stood by. My only comfort was that in five years she should be in a near by nursing home, so let her have her moment on the outside world. After her act I wanted and felt I deserved any treat I wanted…..had to fight that off. I just breathed deeply and tried to focus on the job instead of how upset she really made me.

The guy at work we crossed paths alot….again. I feel it makes him nervous, but really where ever he is I am and where ever I am he comes and we work very different departments its so strange. This happens almost everyday. Note to self when thin make sure you give him the friend vibe strongly then ever before. Don’t want to be bothered when I look like your ideal. In a perfect world people would date others for what matters the most their insides, but in the real unperfect world we don’t unless you have so many flaws about yourself you feel you have to settle. I felt he was kinda ignoring me pretending he don’t see me. Which really upset me I mean I don’t like you that way anyway I use to…until I learned more about you. He did say hello gave a smile that was real, but had so many meanings I just couldn’t figure out. I also wonder if other coworkers joked that he liked me…I feel that happened and who wants to be known to have a crush on the fatty? I can’t wait to be thin, so this can all be behind me.

I caught a ride again today and twice in a row we were late. My ex coworker was like you better stop riding with her….easy to say when you have a car and I have to walk 40 minutes and wake up beyond early to make it….so easy to say when you can zone here and there. I may walk tomorrow morning or maybe not.

I tried to set up my massage for Sunday…but he is booked until the 28th. I don’t want to wait that long. He has the best reviews, but I bet I can find someone decent. Plus I work  who wants to ride the bus and train after work for a message and feel even more sleepy after? I rather on my day off.

Also as you can see my hair……at work a customer saw me and said wow that looks so nice, and how long does that take? I said it took 12 hours..she was amazed. She said can’t you wash it…I said yes…how long you kept it in…I said 2 months. She came up to me and started touching and whirling my hair trying to figure out how it was created. It felt like forever as a sales person looked on and so did another. The lady could of at least tipped :/   but something about hair…..

Anyway Im going to sip on this coke zero and read a little.

Its sad I already know what Im going to eat tomorrow that peach, watermelon and two egg and ham sandwiches I am so ready for it. More sad that it seems I look forward to eating.

He smiled at me-268.6

September 20, 2012

At work it was like the sound track to “Len steal my sunshine” came on just the beat of it. It was like slow motion. He came out of nowhere I was like is he new or been here and just saw him? (many employees exist new faces too) He was wearing a suit like many of the men in sales (not all), but he looked at me with this smile and kept looking at me and I to him….I caught myself after it was like whoo it won’t happen between you two and he could be smiling because your looking at him smiling and showing signs of shyness….I hurried off from that scene! I get weak with a guy in a suit. 

We went somewhere after a car accident when I was a teen, all these lawyers around us, but it was beautiful sight all those men in suits, and I love a guy with a super high IQ too. Thats why I am still laughing that my 5th grade former bully and then friend within five minutes repeat back to bully mode would try to set me up with her cousin lil daddy who sells drugs and is going nowhere in life, but in and out of jail and his pic only showed me that he only has his abs going for him…yawn. 

Today I ate 1400ish in calories. The amount of calories means my slow weight loss. I walk alot and go up and down the stairs, but nothing would beat this if I was to come home all tired and just workout to my PC with yourself fitness.

Work was pretty much the same everyone complains, but trust me take our job away and were wishing we had it! I helped out alot today since I had the time. Right knee felt weak, but kept on going.

Same feelings of wanting to eat now…its 9pm something my time. I just want to eat the feeling seems to never go away. I may get a massage you know treat myself. My neck hurts, back, and this person he will massage everywhere……my worries though are well Im fat so yea….

Right now a whopper from burger king sounds wonderful..well two of them. A large fry, A Hi-C drink, and some cheesecake…thats about 3000-4000 calories easy. Two refills, two big burgers and fries and three slices of cheesecake with toppings.

Sunday my day off a nice message and treat myself to Dennys (got a 20 percent discount in the mail by them)

I go to work, worry about eating, come home,focus about eating, and do nothing but nap and wish things were better and what can I do for fun? Well Sunday other then pay bills and think of food Im going to treat myself nicely. I wasted all my younger years wishing to be thin and then wanting to binge it comes so natural.

At least the scale is slowly going down…just wish it was much faster.

Goes to bed to wake up 5am in the morning.

I just want to EAT this is too hard(And I had a date, but won’t let it happen this is why…)…-269.4

September 20, 2012

Diet cokes and coca cola zero have been my comfort though out the day, fighting urges to eat at will. I just weighed again and its at 269.6 pounds. I always weigh in the morning which is why Im 269.4. Its like my body wants to go right back into the 270’s. Im suffering here and hate when people make losing weight so easy when its a addiction and a battle. At this point three hot pockets and a large rocky road sundae with the works such as whip cream, chocolate syrup, candy toppings and anything I darn well please to be topped on it sounds way better then being slim and dating! Its that bad!

I take the stairs, I walked to work 40minutes each morning since stopping my ride, have to go up three flights of stairs every morning losing air and somewhat my life once I reach the top!, I fight every day not to eat again and again just once having 1500 calories today…yea yesterday was a little more calorie wise, but that beats 3000-5000 calories I can naturally consume with pride! Only thing I get is oh I lost a few ounces which to me is total bull and highly unfair Im serious! I mean I was just close again to eating whatever I love the flavors of food, and the feeling of not starving.

This morning I went straight to work and felt terrible 6am this morning had to get a snack fast I felt weak and just in general a horrible feeling. If I didn’t have to wake up 5am and be working so early I wouldn’t feel like Im going to die of not eating 5am in the morning! Im trying so darn hard when its so easy to turn the over on…..its real bad when Im looking through thick cookbooks like a turned on woman to her man….flipping pages of food porn, and even bought two and fell asleep with it laying right next me it!

Let me share a story with you….

I use to work for a retail place that sold clothes for those on a budget…no  not goodwill.

My manager was a Mexican woman with high self esteem, she had the self worth of a plus size black woman. And she was 300 and something pounds yet had pride that I could never feel with thighs screaming at each other with each rub and lack of air, with a gut hanging enough to have someone grab on for safety before almost falling off a cliff, she had dark brown eyes like mines, wavy hair to her shoulders, and a nice smile, and was annoying at times, but kinda caring. One day she showed me this super red thong and with a large grin said my husband would love me in these……….my stomach turned because I felt grossed out me being fat myself why would I buy a thong to get lost up my____?  I then knew she was dating within my race. They met at a fast food restaurant she was in the drive though and he was taking her order…Im sorry but it would be so funny if they made a fat romance movie like this! She was mad he got her order wrong and since she always was a popular customer they hit it off. I can see that happening since I would go to 7-11 so much every employee knew me to the point one guy joked about my weight, so I stop buying their pricey food from there and if they see me its only to pick up a free flyer….he got too comfortable, even pizza hut guy knows me well, sonics do now….so love can happen for us in the drive thru or walk in. My whole point is I see the large women that date within my race, but always wondered don’t they know they can have any guy (no matter his race, height,religion) if they pay his bills, be his sex toy, ect? Well not all guys some will, but will have their idea woman on the side you will learn about in a year or so.  Like my cousin dates out because he said black women won’t support him (meaning free rent and food ect) so he dates very large women,but would like a fit or slim one (who doesn’t)  Its like when your huge guys see you as something that can care for them in many ways, even if he works its really about him. Large women have found true love that respects them, but Im not waiting in my 70’s for that to come around :/

Anyway I could of had a date,he has a degree, goes to my home state sometimes, even took his mom with him and she loved those four days! I met him on craiglist (yes the garbage site) we texted on and off for maybe 3 months now. We never met…craiglist is um eww. Anyway he text me(3 days ago) that he is bored tired of going to work then home and wanted to go on a date with me…I don’t know how he looks like just were in the same age range thats all. I was excited and thrilled my first date with whoever he is….but recall I sent a picture of me 3 months ago in my panties and bra and asking him from a males view what he thought (at the time I was 262 pounds).

He is open to going to the arts has no spending limits (i asked) ,BUT get this I still have to pay my own way this is such a fat girls treatment! Now if I knew him and we been on many dates and a total gentleman I see no problem in treating him back of course, but my first date will not AGAIN will not be me being asked out on a date to pay my own way I can do that alone!

Also two days ago my 5th grade bully who got my mom to give my number …..see in 5th grade we were friends, then she turned bully then friends again and no one liked her. Today she even says she wish she was nicer. Im not stupid she wanted me as a friend to help her with her newborn you know western union…were not friends.

She got with this guy she calls her man, he is in and out of jail, cheated on her at her own place, the next week she forgives him and sleeps with him because she wanted sex and told me my issue is because I didn’t get any _____yet!

So were from two worlds here. I told her what I want in a guy, one with goals, kinda cute, but not that important in looks, someone I wouldn’t be ashamed of in public, is romantic and funny and normal.

So why is she trying to get me to date her cousin? Yes im black and so is he, but that doesn’t mean were right for each other. She sent his pic and I almost fainted! He looked angry in the face, had muscles…lots of them, tons of tats not just a few ,but all over his abs and shoulders and yes the first thought was he looks dangerous like he could knock the short cake outta me. I lie and said wow he looks great next minute he is calling my phone off the hook! I said text only I mean I had zero interest after seeing that pic. After texting I found out he sold drugs, said he got all these gold digging bitches after his money and his homies were setting him up because they were jealous. He said he stopped after going to jail. I asked what do you do now? Being nice I told him im a stocker…he kept saying I work, I asked doing what…he wouldn’t tell me just that he is called lil daddy….in my mind I was like does he have kids somewhere?  So today I didn’t text him at all and won’t and she is crazy  to think Im stupid like her to date the same type of guy she had a baby with that he don’t want to take care of. She stopped calling me sis because we will never be related through family in a million years!  Just because im fat and black does,’t mean I want a thug in my life, and take any kind of man.

FOR ALL RACES OF WOMEN (who are fat)

1) Never take just any guy for company and never allow yourself to be used!

2) Yes you can have a great guy…just takes longer to get when thin so and so had it since high school and even now.

3) If a guy ASK you out then he pays I mean why ask me out? If you ask him then you can’t expect him to pay for you.

4) Don’t have a date at popeyes, or kfc, or taco bell I seen fat girls on dates there :/ holding hands Im like really!?

When your slim you tend to get the best guys from anywhere of any backround.

Even if he is terrible another one will be the charm or the next.

Even abused thin women have someone wanting them ready to save them, the fat ones are on their own with no guy willing to rescue her from her monster.