Family calling me fat in too many ways…now I’m too fat to finally see my father.

May 18, 2017

tumblr_menbt35usc1rbs5wuo1_500

I finally went to Florida against my wishes. My mom would tell me nearly daily how sick she’s getting. I mean I haven’t seen her in a year. I wanted to see her, but I didn’t. My family needs each other for health reasons, so they now live under one roof. My grandmother’s house includes her mom, my mom , and two of my sisters. Everyone has their own room, so it works. I didn’t want to go for two reasons……

 

  1. Airline seats
  2. My family noticing how fat I gotten since last time

 

I felt pressured to come and guilt got to me. I mean my mom is not the greatest in health and my great grandma is very old.  Yet I know how my family could be, but the way my mom was talking it was like she could die any day now. To told my job I need time off. I had taken out a small loan to make this 9 day trip possible. I kept reminding myself I’m coming to see family and there likely to just be happy to see me again vs judging my size.  I thought what if something happens to my mom and I allowed my size to stop me?

1000-upload-iblock-780-spirit_com

 

Costs:

300$ round trip

I then became concerned if I would fit the seats………

100$ upgrade to business seats.

100$ for carry on round trip…I mean I need to bring clothes and my tooth brush and other items.

1$ for a can of soda

TSA degrading pat downs…..free

I never spent so much money at once  besides my rent and what not. I wanted to cancel everything and stay home at that cost, but reminded myself for family….family don’t come with a price tag.


5464159

I get to fort worth airport. Very few people were big like me. Majority of travelers were average size to thin. I felt so out of place….I stuck out in a sea of normal. I had a slight limp on top of everything else. I still cope with arthritis …something that can be fixed through a more wholesome diet.  I get to TSA…my pants go off even though I took everything out my pockets. My very …very obese self with a limp became a danger to the public. Two elderly giddy up like Texans accent and all told me to come on down. I was help up as the woman felt all over my lumpy fat thighs that set everything off. Finally released and proven not a threat. A woman approached me and told me how it looked so degrading and how she wished they let me go. It was like a freak show as others passed by and taking a glance. Watch the black fat girl get touched all below. I was angry….but I said for family.

 

The business size seats were nice. Not too big nor to small for my spread. Only a black guy was bigger then me onboard and it brought me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. He likely had a two seater. I was nervous …planes make me nervous since 9/11.

It was nice not to take up someones space in mid air. When we finally landed I couldn’t wait to rest.

It started off rocky with my mom getting mad and kinda loud over the phone because she couldn’t find me. I was in departure area and not arrival. I left my glasses back in Texas, so everything was kinda blurry. I told my mom I didn’t come to be yelled at over a mistake. Lets move on and said I’m hanging up. Just never been into fusing long.

When she did find me. She smiled from the drivers seat. I hopped in and thought here I am in paradise….Florida. It was dark back and the drive smooth….

 

Lets fast forward……….Fast-Forward-Cover

I was there for nine days of hell…………….nine days I was counting down when I would come back to Texas to the safety of my apartment and my  cats who are animals who don’t understand their owner got bigger or smaller…they care less…

 

I LONGED TO BE IN A STATE I CARED LESS ABOUT!

Nine days reminded how ugly and fat I was………..

Great grandma……………… I stood there as she said oooo you gotten so big. Why you gotten so big?  You need longer shirts to cover you more. (The shirts I have are kinda sporty meaning they cover me, but don’t go down my butt, they would look great on a thin woman…as usual)

Aunt………..looks at me up and down….again up and down…..smiling, but it’s clear what shes thinking and my wonderful sick mother confirmed it out of random anger why she was staring at me.

Little sister……….your soooo fat, your too big, your big self.

my grandmother…………agrees with her mom that I gotten so big, are you going to eat that?

My mom………..your worrying about my health…look at you! I tried to remind her she was the one telling me of her problems and that’s the only reason why I came!!! I came out of fear and so called love for family!

I was called big in so many ways though vocal or simply being stared at.

My last day there…I couldn’t be more happier. I tell myself daily I’m fat and don’t need any help with that. It was so bad that strangers assumed I was homeless….I would stay outside for over 7 to 8 hours to get away from family. I smelled, had bugs on me that came out of nowhere from trees and what not. My surroundings were beautiful, but I was in hell. I ended up spending more time being outdoors then family.

 

 

A friend of mines was telling me she has some people in her family who are not doing well health wise, but they are adults. Shes in another state from family as well. She said her family understands that how can she help them by moving back home? Or if she can’t afford to visit them? She said unless they pay her ticket she won’t be going. She then said if I was to move back…I have nothing and likely be worse off stuck under their roof. She was right and I did allow my emotions and feelings of guilt to get me there…to be called fat for nine days. I wish I had her thinking then……..could of kept that money I can never get back , my mom has health problems, but shes not going to die tomorrow.

 

Before walking out the door on that last day…my grandmothers as a good bye I guess told me I need to buy clothes that cover me better. I said ok and just walked out to my moms car. We didn’t speak on the way to the airport. She said sorry and it wasn’t suppose to be that way. I was suppose to go to her appointments, we were suppose to have a good time. I get it I’m fat………..they could of thought it, but kept it to themselves. We really no longer talk these days as much.

Dad

To say the word dad……doesn’t feel right. I never had to because I never had one. A mom and a dad is something the lucky had and I didn’t. I had no other parent to run to when my mom was acting unpleasant. Fathers day was…just another day. I know I was his first child. After that Florida trip of hell…a couple of months later he was trying to find me. A small part of me wanted this really badly. Yet i’m almost 30 of age. His absence made me angry at a stranger I never knew.  I remember being 17 sitting outside, looking at the clouds waiting for myself to turn 18. I would day dream and sometimes this man, this hidden person would pop up in my mind. When fathers day came I wouldn’t know unless someone told me. I’m at lost for words as I type…….can’t stop crying now….been three decades …I didn’t have a father besides two rare visits at 16. Why couldn’t he come then? Try to be in my life then when I was even more willing? I’m almost 30……..

 

I was on the phone with his friend. I told him of course I want to see him, but I can’t. He said why?! He wants to be in your life??? I tried to explain what happened in Florida. He said well your dad is not trying to date you. I said nor was my mom and the rest of the family. I can’t let him see my so big. I never forgot what my mom told me and get this my mom was very fat then too, but I was bigger. 16 of age still couldn’t believe I met my real father. My mom tells me then that he said he couldn’t believe I was so big……that crushed me. I’m bigger now…..I can’t.

My mom now denies she ever said that. She said he never said that. I said you wouldn’t lie and I never forgot. When he do come since no one is taking me serious…maybe I’ll leave town temp? Or just work straight until he, my mom, and his friend leaves my apt. area.

 

Maybe if I wasn’t called fat for nine days straight……….

I just can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shes In denial….(Post goes with the last one) Extreme reading….

May 18, 2017

She always have a habit of turning things around to me. Blaming me. Deep down I’m so angry that if they end up arresting her I no longer care. It’s almost tempting to find the court house where shes going to go against her, but it’s for the best I stay my distance…forever. Why shes going to court?

 

She met her kind. Tall, dark skin dude. Like some men they wait to tell you some extra news after you get attached to them. Together though they found out he got some woman pregnant….she stayed. He was staying over at his ex place because he had no place…she stayed. Then he told her one day after seeing that he has her…oh by the way I’m a pimp. I never met him thankfully (never wanted to meet any of the guys she dated) I thought she was joking. I didn’t know pimps still existed in this era. In the 70s you hear of pimps, but now…no. She ended up staying…when I thought she left him. I find out later they were on and off. She had a nice job as a manager of a retail store, degreed, life was simple for her besides the pimp. She was one of those rare managers who were close to all her employees. One of her employees was a white girl who never told the truth about anything. She even made up her mom died…forgets ….next min her mom is dead again months later to skip out of work.

I guess she got too comfortable with her employees….even loaned money to one and I known her for years and couldn’t get a dime when I needed money. Two of her other employees also white and I guess she told all her stuff about her man because they were looking for a sugar daddy, so they can get breasts jobs and other stuff. Skipping some details…..they met with her and were put off by his offer to sleep with the product before helping….and likely told the girl who loves to lie what happened.

Promotion time and the girl who lies assumed she got the position since she saw them as co-buddies. She picked the person who had the skills for the job. I knew her and she never help me get a job in there saying I lacked fashion and blah blah  to even work as their stock person. Some friend. Mean while other managers hired their friends with no skills what so ever,

The girl who lies went to management…and lied and claim that she tried to force her to be a hooker! Ever since then for about 3 years not only was she arrested, but still fighting this. In a way it is her fault for even bringing up her on and off boyfriend to the two aspiring sugar babies…who then shared their experience to a co-worker who used it against their manager…her.

I had promised that I would speak for her in court. I felt, so bad for her. I mean why date a man like that. Soon as you heard what he do try to ease out the relationship and safely. Her family can’t make it to court due to family actives. I would of been the only one there to speak for her. Ignoring all the insults she said to me. I blame myself for giving her a 3rd chance. Thinking time would make a person change, but it didn’t.

Today’s a new day…it’s 3:38am right now.  Three  days ago I went outside for my ubereats delivery…yes a deep chocolate brownie with marshmallows. Something I didn’t need. I rushed out with my sweater covering my hair…takes forever to fix natural hair just right, black sweat pants and a large red shirt. I forgot to bring my phone, so I can buzz myself back in.

My mind was on sweets. I thought I deserve it. Every bite of it. The man was in a white old car, large and heavy like me with glasses. He handed me my treat from his window. When I turned around the sliding doors shut…and I was locked out.

 

All of a sudden a stranger approached me….said my name in a soft , but careful matter….

I was like was this a former co-worker who happens to live here!?

I was happy because they likely had the card to allow us back in our apartments.

Walked out of the shadows was a plus size, very round faced…….it was her at 10:09pm. I was shocked and full of anger. I told her to get away from me! She said can we talk?? I said no!  She said ok…and drove off. She no longer the skinny black girl…I mean I didn’t know it was her at first.  We been through this so many times……….I’m sorry…..next min BITCH….I’m really sorry…..well you say things too!!! ….I’m sorry…gets old and I blame myself for giving her another chance!!! I blocked her number days ago.

 

I finally checked my e-mail and she had wrote this:

Since you aren’t answering my texts I guess I can just talk to myself maybe you’ll read it…. I had a horrible day yesterday and today too accidentally gave away $40 my ankles were severely swollen my skin flared very bad also had some not so good news about court case. Anyways I know you are mad but you said you’d speak for me at trial I was just wondering if you’d still do that if so I have an affidavit from my lawyer if you can fill it out if not I understand. I didn’t mean to upset you and I guess that’s s bad trait of mine not thinking before I speak being depressed is horrible but I’m going to doctor tomorrow hopefully I get meds to help. I hope you know that i really think of you as a best friend you’re a good person to talk to at times I think I just say the wrong things if I hurt you I hope you know I’m very sorry.

 

Notice the above e-mail. “So I have AN affidavit from my lawyer” MEANING LIKE BEFORE IT’S JUST ME WHO WOULD BE SPEAKING. Not anyone else or her so called friends who likely say they are her friends,but won’t even show up for court…which makes me feel she views them as friends, but deep down they are not feeling the same and won’t say it. Also notice she admits she was wrong….does this a lot.

 

 

So I go ahead and send her a final e-mail. I met well, but she took it very wrong:

 

 

Before any of this happened you still were this way. I kept ignoring and ignoring…would say not to say those things, but you did so anyway. I don’t understand you and really don’t want to. I mean if your calling me names…ok…,but to bring some ones parent in it was crossing the line. When you get mad which takes only a few seconds…there is zero build up just instantly mad. I have textes where you get mad then say sorry I misread what you said…just instantly. And when you do get mad you use the most extreme words like I tried to kill someone in your family. I hate this had to happen and I just can’t anymore. I really valued our friendship, but maybe your just better off with the other people you know. Maybe you hold things in with them and let everything loose with me. I don’t know, but were just not a good match. I was fair and wanted a strangers opinion. I don’t delete text messages ….just a chore to do so. I had a stranger see how things build up. You do go too far. Everyone is different, but I can’t take that anymore. I’m happy I now have a dad and like before I care less how he looks …… To randomly call me a ho, and to get the fuck off your line. All three of my old phones have very old textes of you telling me off. I never talked about how your mom looks….I careless. Never thought to judge her…odd of me. I never told you to suck a dick and never called you a ho. Anything I have said was in defense….and I’m not that type of person. I like to walk away from things rather then be aggressive and go back and forth. I met bad people in Florida, but my friends never told me to suck a dick out of instant rage. The only people I feel comfortable with who can meet my family reminds me of me! Sadly I lost all my Floridian friends being in this state, but all three I know would know what to talk about with my family and what NOT to talk about, I wouldn’t have to worry about being degraded about in front of my family by a so called best friend.Â
Also you could of faked being on your best behavior…you know after I got back in touch with you the first two weeks were great…then you got comfortable…least fake it for this whole court stuff. THEN call me a ho, and tell me to suck a dick, and how my daddy got a big fat ass belly after.
I don’t want you to change who you are at the end. It’s kinda like a bad relationship. A guy can treat women like crap for years, but it’s that one woman he meets he decides to change for.
I may be like those women and your better off with someone else.
Fatty watty….so I called you chubby.
Go suck a dick…so I said kiss my ass.
None of this is normal. Real friends just don’t make their best friend uncomfortable.Â
I just wanted you to be happy. Predo would be just for fun. I thought if I could influence you just to go out with a guy (You have experience with dating and being in relationships….meaning if single you will long what you had….normal).
I never dated anyone! Well one guy kinda and I stopped the whole date. I felt he may rob my purse. I don’t long what I never had. Not just you many women out here in the lone state are single and told me they wish they had a relationship. They long what they had. The women who are in relationships a good relationship…are happier, more positive and love coming home to a man everyday. I wasn’t being mean and I seen some good looking Mexican guys (just don’t like how they as a group practice the whole bilingual only hiring) Just wanted you to be happy and you took it as a insult and a way to bash me through text. Without love, life is empty and a very lonely place. Even just for fun …thought it be healthy for you to go out then with just women only.
I already feel ugly enough and my existence alone is still shocking. I don’t need anymore help in putting me down. Ho and I never got to sleep with ONE person, but ok…
I understand you come from the typical Christian background, but AGAIN not as a insult. Maybe seek real help…real help. Nothing wrong with getting help. What makes you get so angry within seconds? What makes you say the most extreme things over petty to nothing? I learned a lot about myself in this state and I embrace I have adhd and sometimes I do have depression. I admit that. That’s why I’m seeking help this month and the next for it.
When you had the bag of chips just hanging out your purse and snapped at me, soooo badly. I remember walking way to cry. I remember wiping my tears fast so you wouldn’t see it. I was hungry and didn’t eat that whole day. I was like let me go next door for a bite to eat…you as usual too controlling NO….saw the chips and it was NO. Next minute months later your telling me how your brother ate at your place with his girlfriend FIRST then ya’ll went out…so cool for your brother to eat first and out. I asked you about that and somehow you changed the subject.
I distanced myself over something …have to look at old phone number 3 for why.
Then one night on the phone (you claim not to remember, but I do). You randomly say I confuse you. One minute I’m pro black and next I want to be a white girl. I had to distance then because after I hung up I cried myself to sleep because black kids bullied me for not acting in a negative way like them to prove my blackness.
What ever is going on mentally (again not as a insult, but as a real concern) I hope you get better someday. And if you do have kids just remember don’t be so quick to anger. Try to think it through first. Tell the person I don’t like that and say why. Learn to cherish the friends you do have and it’s ok to joke, tease whatever, but remember to have a limit. If you don’t people will make excuses why they can’t meet up with you. A past classmate has a son, a husband and came out of nowhere asking when I’m coming back so we can talk and hang out. Be that person people feel comfortable around, that you can joke with. Angry…take a deep breath and reflect.
 —————————————————————————-
After I sent that I thought was I wrong? Should I have not written anything back? And like my usual self…………..I’ll be honest…..did I over react? Was I right to be upset with her? She makes me feel like it was me who is wrong. Was I? When I ask people they say wow she sounds crazy stay far away…………are they saying that because they feel they have to agree with me? The most honest person I know said I need to stay away her mouth sounds real dirty. I’m just so….lost….
—————————————————————————–
After I sent that e-mail. 12am something she sent this e-mail……….
(My name) you need to stop putting words in my mouth.  I wasn’t referring to your dad as being fat! It was a rhyme about you and it was just that a rhyme to match yours. I don’t know if you dad is fat or skinny so how could I say that. And as far as you being a Ho I know you haven’t slept with anyone once again it was a rhyme! So you say you’re done why are you emailing me? I get it you don’t want to be friends have I called you today? No last night was my last time trying. I say things to you in confidence and you use against me! Like I told you I didn’t like the bum looking Pedro but yet you still tell me to go out with him I asked you to stop! And you tell me I have mental issues that’s not a compliment!! You do that to me all the time constantly telling me what I am. Why do you think you can say whatever to people and it be ok??
(Shes lying…………she got a pic I had sent her of my father. If I never sent it she wouldn’t have anything to say….when she first got it she said wow he’s so black………..noticed the above email…she don’t know how he looks now, and who use ho as a everyday word….I feel something has always been mentally off…or something else? I got the texts of her saying wow he’s so black)  And she makes it as if I say whatever………….notice her first e-mail…like other texts she says sorry and how she don’t know why shes like this…now it’s my fault.

Then she sends another e-mail:

 

You said we’re not friends anymore ok great so this it. I’m really wish you the best but no more ok do not contact me I’m going through so much I don’t not need added stress please! My real true friends got my back please just go away.

 

 

I’m thinking….um…what or where true friends? I was the first person in her life on Earth to give her a bday gift. None of these so called friends ever did. I stopped when she got mad at me and said I gave her a cheap ass gift….I mean I was brokish.

If she goes to jail there will be no one to call her family, if not she will likely get probation and community service and a record. She claims if she gets a record it can be removed I forgot how.

I will not ever go back never ever neeeever.

I was suppose to type of something else, but feeling kinda better now. Just a toxic friendship that should of never started to began with.

 

Ending a so called friendship again…., having a dad, going back to my old self, mental and weight loss.

May 13, 2017

Shocking Conversation

 

I mentioned this friend in older posts….same friend calling me white for liking other music (even though I like some black artists as well). She became controlling over me, wanted to know where I was almost every hour, and get upset if I want to text. I love to text and low on the phone calls. I had to end the friendship for the 2nd time.  She would be normal until a waitress/waiter was there to take our order, or if the cashier was talking to me about what I owe…she would randomly say…shut up, shut, shut up…fast over and over of shut up being very rude to me. She wanted me to go with her to her state to visit her family…see she felt comfortable letting me visit her family, but I never felt the same with her. Nor did I ever go with her to her family….the idea of having to demand on her to ride back to this state from another …no. The long ride and back of her dirty mouth was too much to consider.

When I let her go I did cry. It was hard. I mean we use to joke, and even though she treated me  kind of badly in public I did miss her.  It was bittersweet. I loved not having her call me or text me asking what I’m doing every hour even 11pm at night…like sheesh, but I didn’t mind sharing.

Her: Wyd?

Me: Watching tv

Her: What are your watching?

Me: My 600 pound life

Her: Can you call?

Me: Well I want to watch this….

Her: Fine!

When she called and I didn’t answer she would get upset.

I let her go………..I got tired of crying sometimes over the things she said racially. Like my dna says I am black. No music can change that. I  got tired of her getting angry and telling me to suck a dick instantly if she got mad….just got tired of the semi mental abuse she was doing and then BLAME me for any negative behavior she showed. Then after it was always a heart felt sorry she would do that was actually…touching.

 

I then ended it. Each month passed I was proud of myself for ignoring her calls, I knew she was calling from other numbers on the rare. I was the greatest friend she ever had. Even though she knew others longer I was her favorite (her words). Six months passed and something in me wanted to give her a another chance. I felt a rare lonely. I know others, but …people I know..I understand my limit with everyone or I at least learn it.

I called…….the first ring she answered. She sounded shock and happy at the same time. Told me how I hurt her by ignoring her for so long. And how all her friends have a man in their lives and too busy for her…in the back of my mind I thought maybe you ran them away also…I mean they can’t give a day where you guys just hang out…hmm???

We caught up, we laughed, she said sorry again, I told her why I had to move on.,..she said wow I was that mean?

I remember lying to her just to hang up so I can eat. She patrolled my food like a hawk. If I want a bad food item…the urge is too strong to hear someone tell me know who just had pizza and a coke.

After 2 weeks the honey moon was over…………2 weeks ……..over.  She was back to her old self. Besides no longer being skinny and dealing with legal problems thanks to her ex…her fault too  in some ways. She is now chubby. How the mighty fall. She use to be one of those black girls who want to gain weight to be thick….and when they do gain…lol they end up trying to lose it!!! Weight gain doesn’t mean it will go to your butt and chest. There was a Hispanic man who has been after her. I told her she should give him a chance (He’s Mexican ….) and she took it as a insult. He works, clean record, and sounds like a gentleman. I told her sadly that would be the best man you ever had (sadly not in her race too). I told her yes he’s Mexican, but just go out for fun. She then got mad and told me to go out with him…I said I would if he met me first and took a interest why not? I  mean in this state black men care less if she’s Mexican he’ll be chasing these women (Only the very light brown to pale skinned ones). I telling her to give the Mexican guy a go was too much of a insult and she told me to suck a dick and called me a ho. I was left nearly speechless and told her to kiss my ass!!! Which resulted in a text match of insults to the point it was I who stopped and ignored her for that day.

She then would miss read my texts and assumed I tried to insult her….only to re-read and say Oh sorry I miss read it. She wanted me on the phone all the time for hours. I told her this is not me….I don’t like being on the phone long…makes me feel trapped where I can’t do other things. I have to focus on what your saying. I also like to enjoy my surroundings and don’t want to be suck on the phone on the way to work nor after. I then found myself taking pictures of my whereabouts. Picture of me with my mouth wide open in the dentist chair, picture of me in the bathroom washing my hands…it was like she didn’t believe what I said I was doing, so I should be on the phone with her :/

I missed my freedom and people do change …but everyday we have these high and lows. Everyday I was now being told to suck a dick….next minute I’m sorry. I’m a ho…next min …I’m sorry…..we been only in touch for two months and the final straw…was when she made a joke about my father……….

 

tumblr_mzgrlfXbb61sa3a87o1_400

Like mentioned before in older posts. I use to day dream as a young teen having a dad, a happy mother in  a loving relationship. All the things we would of done together. How I may be different if I was a two parent home that was full of love. Only last month I found out four years ago my father (Who I called by his first name). Has been looking for me…likely guilt finally set in. Since I don’t have a facebook like that he could never find me. Same with my mom since she removed her account some years ago. Part me wants this, but another part don’t. I don’t want someone now ready to give me rules and what not…who has never been there and um…I’m a adult? Part of me wants to just not try this because I’m too nervous….too nervous about this meeting in July. They (mom, him , and his friend) would visit me this month, but I’m too fat and a recent family visit confirmed that and I’m too ashamed. His friend sent me a picture of him. He is dark skin (follow?), also he has a small gut, but slim all over. If he lost maybe ten pounds he would be perfect, but I don’t care ……hell if a grass hopper said he was my daddy I would care less how he looked like.

 

I was happy deep down to have a photo. I shared it with the girl who told me to suck a dick when pissed. The first thing out her mouth was wow he’s very black…mind you shes med. tone and likes dark men which will result in her having dark kids maybe in the future….so I was taken aback, but ignored that. Others saw his photo and said I must take after my mom.  Anyway by now things were calm between us. I made the mistake of telling her my very minor sister likes to call me fat through text pretty much almost daily Sometimes funny other times annoying. As of two days ago she stopped…..but…

So since she this so called friend know (after I told her) my minor sister (not even a teen yet) called me fatty watty……..every day more then my little sister she started texting me fatty watty, but the final straw was these exact texts……….

 

Her: Fatty watty

(I’m at bus station look down at texts)

Me: Chucky frumpy, church lovin plump flunkie.

Her: lol

Her:  Fatty watty don’t know her daddy got a big ass belly that shakes like jelly!

Me: mmm (thinking…why did you bring any one related to me in this like that?), weird …ok. You need to give pedro a go… (His real name)

Her: You need to give any man a go! Ho

Me: Cancel the 16th …rather ride the 3 buses to dentist.

Her: ummm don’t think I’m going to beg to drive you lol!

Me: Ok no hard feelings. Just not into stress….I’ll take the 6 buses total that day then have a ride who tried to upset me. Thanks anyway.

Her: ok cool

Her: You can say stuff about me, but when it’s on you…..you can’t handle it.

Her: Telling me to give pedro a go well you can give someone a go too.

Her: I’m really tired of walking on pins with you do this time I’m serious…I’m blocking you for good.

Me:  You text me randomly fatty watty……my sister is a minor….but ok whatever. I text something back due to that. THEN YOU BRING UP MY FATHER IM LIKE DANG….never talk about how your folks look. So I say maybe you should give Pedro a go….not as a insult, but honestly your kinda nicer when you have a relationship. Then you call me a ho….girl bye.

Her: Get the fuck off my line seriously leave me alone

Me: BLOCK ME

Then I went ahead and blocked her….this all happened yesterday and my phone only tells when if she called, but blocks it. She called 5 times so far.

And I used girl bye….for the first time in my life. I had to get to her reality tv loving level.

Fatty watty is done with chucky flunky and her nasty wasty trap of a mouth. This 3rd time was fool on me. We bare done. I told my now long distance friend to pleaseeee remind me not to go back. Ever.

We been in touch only 2 months and everyday she begged for us to go out….glad I refused. I remember how she loved to upset me in public. Claimed she changed, but nothing changed …only time did.

Obese-Brain-e1418701872473

Last night. It was a full moon out…I know this because I took the trash out late. I took a shower and laid down. Waiting to ease off to sleep. I felt like crying, but didn’t want to. I laid there thinking of food and how bad I wanted to eat it real bad. It’s like a sick war a very sick twisted war where you want to be thin………but…the urge to eat is a powerful. I been studying more on legal drugs and over the counter meds…I believe theres a way to shut things off at least temp where the desire to eat can vanish….more on that next time…4 hours to sleep for a 16 hour work shirt tomorrow. Tues or wed. I should be back.

 

 

 

 

 

So many updates and the weight war continues.

May 9, 2017

Fear of Birthdays.

This August Marks 30 years of age….and it scares me. More so because I haven’t lost the weight. I still remember being a 5th grader crushing on the dark brown skinned and green eyed Cuban boy…then the black Jamaican guy who was crushing on the super skinny black girl, and secretly liking the Italian boy who we both disliked each other, but when it was time for report cards and to show our mom’s our low grades…we bonded over letting them down.  I remember coloring and drawing as a form of escape for my troubles and later using food. I remember thinking if I see a adult woman cry…my young mind assumed they were being abused at home by their husbands. I recall being 16 and had many magazines of thin modals. Modals who sometimes look average and ugly, but were loved and praised based on being thin. I learned I could be ugly too, but considered beautiful if I’m slim. Time went by I then remember getting fatter and fatter…and any insults towards me would be about my weight. Depression aka extreme sadness…time slipped away. I never got my size 0-2 body …..and it still bothers me to the point I feel myself holding back tears. Being slim met the world to me…it met everything. Whats the point of continuing on if I’m not thin?

tumblr_m724uk8AnY1qabteho1_500 Not going to lie black men dressing in ladies attire…..pretending to be black women is funny, but damaging as well.  At some point of my teenage life…my late teens. I threw away all my magazines of thin women in ads with rib cages perfectly showing. I thought why would anything matter? I am black! I seen thin and fat women black women treated like trash by their men, so ….well..whats the point?  Plus I thought would I be beautiful if I was thin? The only time the media showed actual beautiful black women is when they were pale skinned to very light skin, but allowed all the fat dark and brown black women to come on through. I’m not part of a culture where the women can be feminine exactly… we have to play both roles sadly. Not part of a culture where the men use actual black women in their music videos….they use mixed, white, to very light Hispanics. Meanwhile white ,Asian, Latino music artists use their women…they may use another race on the rare(token), but won’t allow another race to take over their women’s spot. I grew up hearing it all. Also black women wear weaves……………I know someone who does hair and adds weave to all races of women hair, black women got attitudes…….next I hear a white chubby girl say” COME ON NIGGA” in public as he carried their mixed race child. Black women wear fake nails, fake hair……….but go insane over all races from Brazil (big on surgery enchantments) all the way somewhere in Europe. Let a black women get fake breasts, fake bum, fake everything and were trashed as a whole. I just wish these black men were more honest and instead of making endless list of why they dislike black women with a passion………just be honest and say we view non black women  based on (hair, and skin tone) more attractive and leave it at that.

So since I was a fat teen. On the bus, not doing well in school….and 18 around the corner. I have older pictures of me when I was very much lighter. I was actual a light skin person depending on the season, but due to being in the sun a lot…even to this day and even on purpose getting darker because finally slowly they started showing beautiful darker modals in the spot light. I decided to ease off the sun. I still went out, but the only difference was I drank lots of water, put on sun screen once a day, vitamin C from orange juice and a vitamin C and that was all…don’t believe me try it if you wish. Slowly and very slowly. I became back lighter, and lighter. Like Raven S. type of light. I was no longer Kerry Washington brown. I noticed black guys treating me differently even some assuming I was a Latina. Black men started asking me out like a gentleman and not like a wild ape in heat with zero morals. One even told me he makes x amount of money and plans on buying a house soon………I was like wow I mean usually black women are labeled gold diggers and we suck at gold digging to be honest most don’t even try. I was like this is how it feels….next min I stopped using sun screen (blacks should use it anyway, but it’s a great chore) stop taking vitamins, and went back to pepsi and mountain dews and now I’m back to being treated 3rd class at that time.  Then 4th class for self tanning just because. Sometimes I think back and wonder what if I told him yea I’m Latina …I could act anyway I want to and he would just say I’m spicy …not that I have a attitude. There is a Latin guy on youtube who speaks of the double standards black men do when it comes to black women. He even says black men are ready to wife up a Latin woman who is half nake, but  a black women can be half nake and she’s trashed and called all sorts of names.   It’s not non black women’s fault their men uplift them and ours uplift them too. They simply benefit from their men pushing their image in a positive light when we had the pine sol lady and black men pretending to be black women, but in a negative light.

I love being a black woman, but it’s tough when those who are apart of you can be against you.  Because of the things I witnessed and seen…I no longer judge those who tan or lighten their skin. Do what makes you happy. Yes there are some black men who do right by their race of women, but those are super rare. Nor do I have a problem with black men dating out, but it’s how they go about it.  Like my ex coworker now. Called white men pecker wood, honkie behind their backs, but never speaks ill of the pecker wood’s daughters and women in general…odd isn’t it. I get slavery did a number on blacks…generation to generation and no one got therapy for it. Yet that’s still no excuse to degrade black women…just for being born black.

 

I had to figure out self….and no longer view myself as part of a group, but maybe a shared culture. Slowly nearing the age of 30….learning to do what I want to do. Natural hair, weaves, whatever. I always been pro surgery any way,so that’s not a hard thing to get over. As a teen I met Vanessa…..and my whole outlook really changed.

I noticed something outside of lower income areas. Thin black girls were winning. They got the red carpet treatment, BUT from other races mainly. In black culture you can be fat or skinny and treated the same it seems. Non blacks…….being thin was a blessing and something to be proud of. Not only did it get you the cute date, better clothing selection, but nice jobs, better friends, people liked your pet if they liked you, it was like magical….from then on after seeing too much skinny privilege……..I vowed never to go out with thin girls. I have seen where experienced friendly fat white women got passed up for a promotion for the thin white women. The fat white woman would always be like….I don’t understand….when I over heard the boss reason why was because she was too big. Fat people don’t deserve promotions I guess. One thing to see a skinny white girl living the life you feel you deserve, wearing the clothes you can’t fit in, but to see a skinny black girl….was too much for me sometimes. Or Vanessa getting guys attention only to find out they wanted her to ask her friend out for them. Her friend was a thin Nigerian woman very…thin. She was highly popular. Thin women of all races don’t know their worth….when a thin woman gets with a dead beat that was her choice to stay. A fat woman will get losers across the board over and over.

 

Due to being in school on and off for 8-9 years….thanks to working and trying to study for classes…I would end up dropping out a lot. Finally….I’ll be done with a general degree next year and can finally move on to university. With a general degree I hope to land a job that pays over 15 dollars a hour.

 

Right now…….

  1. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 10 years. Paid out of pocket to find 3 cavities, a rotting tooth (root canal). After root canal …..I’ll finally work towards a 5th grade fantasy of finally getting braces like my classmates did. I always wanted straight teeth and to find out that braces can fix my overbite is unreal. This all cost me near 1000$ just for dentist services ect. I got another job….just to fund my dental work and help with bills.
  2. I plan on working extra shifts to pay for driving lessons and no one will know I can drive. When I was trapped in blue and purple looking lightening going across the sky, caught in heavy rains, missed the last running bus at night after work….no one came to get me, no one ever offered to teach me how to drive….so I don’t want anyone depending on me. Wish I never accepted those two so called friendships…negative…all black girls don’t behave the same….yes I still watch cartoons, but I watch adult shows too mainly court tv, dna testing, 48 hours…and yes deep down I may watch some old school power puff girls…won’t be admitting that in public…you know black girls are not suppose to like that type of stuff. Sounds like anything fun. I’m back to wearing red lipstick after hearing a remark that it doesn’t look good on us.
  3. Thinking I still can’t believe I still have my two cats. Two cats, fat…oh no…future old maid?
  4. Hope to be out of debt someday….I want to travel over seas for affordable surgery just in case I end up having loose skin. American doctors too costly.
  5. Learning from my great grandma of a African cousin we use to have. How he coped after slavery….I wondered what happened to him, did he have any kids? What was his name? If he had kids where are they today? Explains the south African dna on my dna test then. Had a south African girl online tell me I shouldn’t have south African dna. I was like um…they didn’t just take west African slaves lol. I think the other stuff must come from my fathers side dna wise. I been curious about this African man….his history is forgotten. My highest percentage was black American, under somewhere south Africa (forgot location), then minor non black locations such as Italian, Arab, Spain…all were highly minor, but I hear people say dna testing is fake……..so were my results fake? They say for blacks that they create dna tests that go back only to Africa and feel not all of us have dna from there….so confused. on that…moving on.
  6. Been looking into jello mono….

 

Have a lot to say, but been up since yesterday…so sleepy. Its 5:27am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like you want to be white, but yet your pro black….you confuse me. (Friendship finally over 3 months and counting…and one more to go.

July 19, 2016

I’m a very forgiving person. A understanding person who over looks flaws of others….because I am flawed. It’s rare, but sometimes I wake up happy to be in a world that is full of different races. Sometimes I wake up loving that I was born a black girl. These feelings could come from last nights sugar  high or simply just a rare feeling of amazement that I exist in a diverse world.

These days I try to explain to …extreme christian title holders (aka those who are not christian, but say so out of habit and tradition) that yes blacks are getting killed….but this been happening. Technology is only a reminder. Just like innocent children who are raped and killed….this is not new it’s just technology is helping us solve murders and media exposing it world wide. We are not in the end times…nothing is new under the sun. I try to ignore those who go into the whole these are the end of times….yawn….stop trying to have people live in fear.

This girl I mentioned in the past on my blog. She is only a year older then me. She was a black girl like me. I was staying with a friend of mines who is white (long story) anyway I met this girl due to her doing my hair. I recall this was watching…I knew it was more out of how we do our hair type of curiosity. Any way the first red flag was when she was doing my hair. She said when I’m done your going to have white girl pretty girl hair…..my mind said WTF, the friend laughed on the side. I can still hear the laugh now..and this was nearly six years ago. So we stayed in touch and I even told her later on I didn’t like her comment. She said nothing Plus the hair wouldn’t be exactly white girl pretty since it didn’t feel like a white girls hair…trust me I know. When I wear my hair in the past and a white woman wanted to touch my hair I have reached over to touch their hair too, so were equal…which usually has ended in fear of looking like two lesbians about to be in the heat of passion.

As time went on one day she said….I’m shock you don’t have a lot of white friends….she said it like hi, how are you? I was speechless…but let it go. To be honest my friends in my home state were usually black foreign girls and Cuban and there was one black American girl who I cherished. I had two Haitian girlfriends, two Cubans girlfriends,one Jamaican, and one black American (All really American, but to explain it better). They all had one thing in common….they were sane……they accepted me for who I was….I could share my secrets to them, they didn’t raise their voice just because, and none tried to get me inside a church. I was open to anyone as long as they were decent people.

Then one day she called me bougie. I remember going online for the meaning, but I knew I was to be insulted. I called my grandmother and she told me she was called that too. I called her to question what does she really mean??? She then says well it’s like your a white girl…I said HOW?! My dna no matter what says black. I look black too.

I lost it trying to explain to her that blacks are diverse. Just because I didn’t want to take her advice and have sex with black men I never met or know of…plus I have standards. A guy sexing me would be so low of me. I told her she makes me feel like I’m a animal. Like my issue is finding sex. Thats easy if you want nothing like a relationship and gross!!!!! She would over the years say you need sex maybe then youll be normal…drink heavy like her and has a actual pimp for a boyfriend I guess is normal.

Then tried twice to set me on a blind date with drug dealers …. man.

I tolerated her outbursts. She would yell and get loud…why? I said why do you get so angry so fast?! I feel since black women have to man up…..were out there striking…when we shouldn’t, taking on male roles by force I tried to explain to her I think thats why some like her get angry so fast. Her response…..just silence.

I then avoided seeing her for a year and she kept saying I’m avoiding her. And she don’t know why. I told her fine, but every time I’m with you…your rude, you know I walk slow and you out walk me, get a attitude that I can’t keep up, had total strangers laughing at us. She then says I promise I won’t be like that. She was sounding all…gentle and kind.

I felt without meeting her other friends she treated them differently compared to me.  I told her this. She said she see’s me more of a sister. I mean me and her fell out and she would come back and I would force myself to take her back. Thinking of the few decent moments we had and I would try to forget things. I told her I’m bigger then last time so…she said it’s ok, plus her other two friends are with their boyfriends and don’t have time to be with her on her bday.

She complained how they want to be with their man..I said thats normal :/ I mean it’s not their fault there not dating a pimp slash what not. I warned her again about my size. She said ok….soon as she picked me up she looked me up and down. At the restaurant she looked under the table and said my thighs look bigger and she had this wide smile on her face. When I wanted to order another slice of cheese cake  in front of the waitress told me no. We went back and forth …like I was a child.

Then too many times she waited until we got in public like in line at the store…I’m saying hi to the cashier…she then says over and over SHUT UP, SHUT UP…she enjoyed getting me mad I noticed. And embarrassed me for her enjoyment.

The final straw…………..the final fucking straw!

We were talking about the deaths at the hands of cops….I also told her we need cops. I said it’s sad that a few bad cops now makes the face of all cops when it’s not true.

We then talked about famous people and the dreaded over rated Kim k, then men and careers and fashion, and then I told her……………..I told her ………….I like this fairy music on youtube. How listening to it relaxes my mind and takes me to another place within my mind. One even brought me to tears it was so beautiful…the tunes. It’s only tunes.

This is one of my favorites:

 

I don’t know why I like it, but my mind loves it. They have other music from around the world I haven’t gotten to yet. I didn’t know as I said this she was online looking it up. Next min she said wow this really exists…you don’t hide your thoughts and who you are…I said thank you?

I mean I shared other youtube things I like in the past and we were free talking.

Then she said it…she said it. She said it’s like you want to be a white girl, but then you’re pro black. I said what did you say?!  She then says NOTHING. I mean she forgot I like R&B and oldies….likely remember me listening to Britney spears only, forget that I listen to Nicki Minji…ignoring all the dirty things she say such as nappy headed hoes in her older music, she even put me down in the past for liking old school music from Mary J, Aaliyah, TLC ect.  Yet this music was crossing white girl land. Deep down if I could not like this music to please the hidden black requirements I would.  I like rock like Linkin Park oldies, Korn oldies………I just like all music just not country.

I then tried to let it go as she got loud saying I didn’t say that!!!

The next day she denied it. Like it was in my head I heard her say that. I was done….a month pass she called…I ignored returning any of her calls…which is easy since I like to  text to be honest. She then text, so your still ignoring me? I text back yes and were not friends anymore. She says your going to throw away 6 years??? I said I should of thrown it away years ago. Your not a friend. I need a friend who will let me be….me….just me.

I told her my dna won’t change and I will be black till the day I die. I told her its a shame that if I enjoyed popeyes daily, had six kids with no father in sight …she would never judge me. Or if I had a drug dealer for a boyfriend that would be me being real back. I told her it’s like everything neg is black in your eyes…she then gets angry and textes me your accusing me of being racist to  my own race?! I said YES. She then texts get the hell off my line!!! I said ok…

Another month pass…she texts…hi. I text hi were not friends.

It was hard….I hate leaving people, but I had to.

I felt such freedom after.

This one is in her early 50’s. She has some good and then….as time goes on it seems she gets angry faster. Like rapid. She got mad at me and loud on the phone because I asked her why does she want to call a college and demand to speak to the Dean to let her skip testing?? She went off to the point I went ahead and hung up on her. My first thought was why don’t she tell a COLLEGE dean to let her skip testing because it’s hard. I am powerless and only a student myself :/ so before I hung up I recall her last words were don’t call me again! I thought thats easy….again I like to text so….this is a treat for me.

When she gives me advice such as quit my job….do this and that and when I say thats not a good idea she gets loud on the phone. I’m like wow and usually just sit the phone down and watch tv. Shes the type of black woman who would be rich helping the media say were all this way when we all know thats not true.

Black women should be allowed to cry, laugh, be angry (when it makes sense), be tired, or bored. I mean today she said my memory is real bad (she use to deep down assume I’m slow….yup I’m not the one a single parent who now works several low paying jobs…I’m the slow one. Just because I told her I wasn’t angry 4 years ago :/ . I went to apply for a job and they weren’t hiring. I recall being disappointed ….I don’t get angry fast. Usually I’m sad or just disappointed. She then gets loud as if I will say yes your right….and I see why she pretty much no longer have friends. She then gets mad and says forget it were done talking about it…I then say…she cuts me off WERE DONE.

I allowed her several times like the other girl to get mad at me…claim there leaving only to return. Very soon she’ll be out too.

I have a friend who moved. She doesn’t judge me, don’t care what I do,when we talk our voices stay the same…no raising high. Her emotions are normal like anyone else. When we have disagreements we may talk/text fast, but our voices/cap lock not on is the pretty much the same. I can call her now and say I wish this is longer vs only 2 minutes:

 

She will only say that sounds pretty good and it should be. I can say well I don’t remember feeling that way she won’t get loud and say my memory is bad.

 

Anyway when someone asked me…is that really your friend? I was …..weak and said a hard yes. I know this isn’t my friend. And this is someone I don’t plan to stay in touch with either.

We got into a heated argument last week over this guy…

He was killed by a cop recently which made many angry. I told her well…the way he died was bad, but he wasn’t a great guy either. She said well he didn’t deserve to die like that!!!!

He got a 14 year old girl pregnant when he was 20 years old, for years he sold CDS outside, I wondered how his family said he was a great guy………..yet he was living in a shelter…not with his woman and kids.

Alton Sterling Arrest Record, Criminal History & Rap Sheet [DOCUMENTS]

No one should die like that yes, but I was saying he wasn’t a great guy and she got mad.

The guy who was shot live on facebook was a great guy, then the cops recently were decent too. They were great people taken too soon.

Can’t wait to move on….

 

Asian girls, being ignored in class/college due to my size…it’s so blunt,my black friend

April 6, 2016

Picture it….April 5th 2016 11:11am. Iv’e seen plus size Asian girls, and the expected skinny Asian girls. Currently I’m in college. Yes my bad grammar and all. I go to school down town. Lots of traffic, so many people. I’m waiting for the sign to give the ok to cross the street. I’m already 11 minutes late so far. I notice this 20 something very skinny, clear skinned Asian girl lost in her own mind as we all wait. I was thinking just think if I was that skinny…the fashion that I could wear, the person I could be. life wouldn’t be perfect, but at least I wouldn’t be so alone with the worse men wanting my number for banging sessions. Anyway the light finally gave us the go to cross the street. I noticed a cute guy on the other side of the street…..and I thought….no…no not another skinny girl winning moment!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And away she went right into his arms. Both smiling at each other and both kinda glanced at me and I glanced away. I let them continue their movie like romance. Then last week a Korean couple both in their 20’s. Enjoying each others company on the train. Laughter, happiness, and him being goofy to make her smile. Meanwhile I’m behind them wishing my ride would just end already.

Asian women are free to be cute without judgement or sexy. As a black girl I have to be serious at all times or something is wrong with me. On my campus Asian girls/women are having so many skinny moments it’s insane. I think to myself why can’t they join the fat and curvy moment like these ads Iv’e seen recently??? I found a small clip of large sized Asian women embracing themselves, but their culture won’t really push them to the front like that.

I use to know a really sweet Asian girl…her hair dyed blonde, super skinny, and dark eyes. She didn’t have her race preaching to her about self hate, or tell her thick is in, she was free and today married with child.

Someday I’ll have my day too….

————————————————————————–

 

I’m sick of it. I AM SICK OF IT.

I wanted to wave hey I’m alive!! Lets talk. I’m real notice me. I felt my inner child wanting to beg for attention. I’m so glad class is almost over. I can’t wait to never have to see no one faces ever again. I swear yes I SWEAR once I get back on track and I’m thin I WILL IGNORE them as well. I will talk to someone else and have them standing there like the idiot they made me feel like.

I went up to the professor. A educated African man. A proud family man. Not the usual African men who I encounter who openly say they just want sex with me. It’s not just black men from America, but foreign black men too. And usually I never get any educated men or men that would spark your interest. I had a question. I went up to him you know my professor who is here for ALL his students.

As soon as I opened my doubled chinned mouth, with large upper arms at my side. Soon as I opened my mouth with a question about our upcoming quiz. A size 2 looking black girl with black and brown extensions down the mid of her very tiny waist, approached and the professor turned to her and I was STANDING right in front of them both. I was invisible. I stood there large and shocked.  She laughed and he laughed and I really don’t recall what was said. I just remember she was one of those skinny black girls, the girls I avoided going out with. I knew I would increase their looks even further.  I just stood there and felt my face get hot. If pale in tone my whole face would be red. I tried to speak….I just simply walked away.

Then I saw this black guy and white guy talking together. I remember they told me they plan on doing a study group together. I was even kinda invited last week, but was too tired to show up. So I walked over to them,both equally good looking and both have goals. I cleared my throat and said…excuse me……excuse me???

White guy: Oh yea???

Black guy (looks over at me)

Me: In my head (Oh shit they notice me)

Me: When is the next study group???

White guy: Today at _____pm.

Me: Ok maybe I’ll be down there. And did you go last time (looking over at black guy)

Black guy: No. I was too tired. Had to work.

Me: I understand and…

White guy: (looks over at black guy) so….blah blah blah

Black guy: (looks at white guy) ….blah blah blah

Me: (thinking) omg not again!

I just stood there. Time seemed to freeze over. I looked around…it was just be standing there.

This reminds me when a co-worker invited me to her beach party. She was Spaniard and so were the other guests. Everyone was from Spain in a nutshell. I was 20-21 of age. I sat alone in party and my only comfort was well I’m black and maybe the rest of the guests weren’t fond of blacks. Next min I noticed a dark skin, slim girl having this sexy ass guy from Spain hitting on her as she blushed and gently pretended she didn’t want his advances next minute I just walked out and left!

I had already had 5 cups of punch that night and was the only one alone near the snacks.

Part of me wanted to cry as I exited the class room. I just felt numb. I waited for the elevator

 

I got in trying to forget. Trying to move on. I was in the elevator with a petite brown skinned Asian/India girl. I made small talk and ask…are you in my class too? She smiled and said yes! I don’t know most of the students in my class, but some have noticed me. I said so…how are you doing in class? She said I’m doing fine. I said …good …good. The elevator stopped and open bringing in this brown skinned Asian/India very fit cute guy in. I saw her blush and looked away from him pretending not to look. He noticed her. Next minute a black girl girl with her diverse race of friends walked in….all of a sudden were all on the topic of fricken  yogurt and how they feel fat…none were fat all were slim. I was in a crowded elevator with skinny girls talking about yogurt, and a guy lusting after a slim short India girl. My fat self was pushed to the back watching it all unfold.

Next minute a slim white girl got aboard…..I couldn’t take it. I pressed the next upcoming floor and told everyone I need to get out! I found myself waiting for another elevator. Luckily I got to ride the rest of the way down alone.

———————————————————————

I give people many chances. I try to forgive and move on. I was called slow by this black girl. Why? Because she felt how I reacted to things were not normal. I rather talk things out and even debate, but I hate cursing I rather not to be honest. I always tell others I don’t care if you do.  She has her positives, but how she reacts is every reality tv’s wet dreams.

She can go from zero to 100 in seconds and had the nerve to say I forgot that your sensitive. I said no your too aggressive. I even said you know how the world stereotypes black girls why do you have to live up to it? Then she said see your talking about me…at this time we were texting because I refuse to answer her calls and I told her I like to text anyway. Calls kinda makes me feel trapped sometimes.

I told her through text that honestly she makes me nervous sometimes. It’s like saying the wrong thing or opinion will set things off. I told her I try to ignore her, but today was her worse.

I notice she dates certain type of men. Men who are all about that…life? She starts sounding like the men too, how they talk, when angry she goes into hood accent mode and I point it out and she can’t tell. She said something to me rude…and I told her he has called you that and now your calling me that…now part of your vocab.

She was shocked and said yes he has. I said then if I’m your friend why would you call me that? Over the years I got her to stop calling me her bitch. I don’t care what people call each other on tv. I’m no nigga nor is your man or yourself, and I’m not a bitch as a word of friendship :/

I find it strange women are calling each other bitch as common as the word…hi.

Anyway. It all started with me on the phone with her asking for a favor.

I ask her could she sign a paper for me so I can renew my cna license. She said…

Her: And what else is on that paper???

Me: I said nothing. I just need you to sign so I can renew my license.

Her: What the hell do I need to sign???

Me: (thinking..ok wow)… I need you to sign so I can renew it. And in the comment section just say I helped you out.

Her: (starts to yell now) (my name here) WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO SIGN. I DON’T JUST SIGN ANYTHING. MY NAME NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING DAM…

Me: (click) I hung up the phone. Even cutting it off for a few minutes. I felt myself wanting to cry. I curled up in a ball already having to deal with school earlier watching skinny women enjoy attention and get noticed. Then this hot mess.

When I cut my phone back on I saw she had text I’m sorry. I told her she is wrong for all that and how she has no balance on how she reacts to things. Yelling at me and cursing me out was not the right reaction. She then texts you want me to lie though….I text back when have you been about being honest. She called twice and I was still shaken up. I told her I’m too uncomfortable to talk to her and that I’m human. You texting sorry five different times won’t take the moment back. I told her honestly you hurt me. She then gets mad and texts fine don’t talk to me!

I then text someone I haven’t called in months if she could…she said no problem.

I had another moment with a black pal of mines two days ago. And we said some words which ended me in saying I won’t talk every again. I’ll just let you talk and I’ll listen I just won’t say a word…she lost three other friends within two months and don’t see it’s her is the problem.

I have two good black friends one would be perfect like super perfect if she stop slipping up calling me a bitch…work in progress.

One great white friend…I love her she has helped me a lot in so many ways I could never repay her for.

And recently met a lady (biracial) who I think would be a good friend. She is so caring ect. I made sure to hint I have nothing against her white side. And now we talk openly about race and politics and the economy.  And we have been texting on and off.

Of course I know some wonderful people long distance wise too.

The people that are not good for me tend to try and keep in touch with me. I even plan on letting them go, but they come back. I then just don’t have the heart to break them off because I think of the good times too.

 

I’m going to go to bed. Life is tough and I feel my size these rude women feel they can take over me or something.

 

 

Not into black men really and why, think like a white girl?

March 21, 2016

I grew up as a little girl hearing from adult black women….

I want me a dark skinned man.

Nothing, but a black man for me.

Nothing can compare to a black man.

And of course the size myth (when all men vary).

All this ego boosting got to many of their heads…along with making other races of women even more curious.

I went on craig list rant section. A white woman wanted to know is it true about black men’s size??? Other white women who have dared and ventured into the unknown to experience the side show of the great black dick all responded to…it’s only a myth.

I did have a white girl show me a pic on her cell phone of her black mans great big thingy.

She didn’t know it, but I played stupid.

No no your man looks native American!

No girl he is black.

No Native American.

No black like you.

She then zoomed in to make sure I saw his manhood. I faked it and said oh wow so..big like you said.

To be honest the size wouldn’t matter to me.

(Back in time)

Even though I witnessed a lot of abuse. My mom seemed to be close to deaths door with the awesome black man. State visit and once I was close to being taken away. In a church we went to. They had some type of event where some dressed in African patterns. And in many black churches the majority are black women. Many single with or without kids, few married…very few. Without black women the majority of black churches would be shut down.  Even with all the abuse going on, in public other black women saw them as this black couple…and saw hope for themselves.

Still I grew up liking boys. All races of boys in 5th grade. I liked any boy who didn’t want me. Not giving the boy who was biracial (white and Cuban) a chance. I felt bad….later on as a fat single girl. He was moving and tried to go after me to have contact with me, but I was too all that and kept walking. Then the Haitian boy who kept trying to get me alone for early sex activities. I had a crush on the Italian boy, the Cuban boy, the Jamaican boy….all in rotation.

Response:

Italian…eww!

Cuban: …laughed

Jamaican…um…I like another girl (he really did even into 6th grade)

(jumping into some years)

My life was kinda sheltered. I was comfortable with it being protected.

I hated when my mom would drop me off into other people’s home. Many of us would get our hair done cheaper if it’s someones home then a salon. She was a dark skinned woman, in her 40’s at the time. I remember sitting on the floor facing the tv with her feet on each side of me. I saw my first and promised my last music video. When getting my hair done whatever the person doing your hair was watching you were forced into watching.

On the tv their were women with slim bodies, long hair both real and fake hair, and wearing bathing suits to sexy clothes. They all stared into the camera, dancing near the man. Skin flawless, everything perfect,….but the women were of mixed race and non black. In the middle was a dark skinned man with tattoos and dark shades as if he was at a pool party next min indoors. This was black man heaven. I remember my young mind wondering and trying to find the black girls. Black girls who everyone knew was black not…is she black or mixed…or is that a latino or a tanned white girl..???

My love of music was diverse…though I had to listen to in secret. At the time my mother was super strict and any music outside of christian was considered satan’s music by the church. I listened to chop suey, Korn, Lincoln park, papa roach. On the rare when I did get a glance at music videos. I noticed white men promoting their women both the tanned to pale skinned. Even latinos were promoting their women. Yet black men were helping other races of men promote their women. Yet black women were promoting their men. You can still see this in Nicki Minji videos where the men are dark …you never guess is he black or white or..huh :/

Britney spears was a break. Her music wasn’t full of I need me a light skin girl. Her music was fun, easy to sing to, pop, perfect. Team Aqua in grade school with Barbie girl….something I have saved on my favorites and still listen to shhhh. And spice girls were a big thing in school and along with my beloved (RIP ) Aaliyah and TLC.

Still I was sheltered. I drew, day dreamed and thought of better times once I’m a adult. I still liked all races of boys. Staying indoors and going out only to get the mail and forced on sundays to church and of course school. I got naturally lighter to the point I appeared pale at times. I needed brown and a almost white makeup on certain parts. People remarked how lighter I got and I’m looking pale.

As I got older still a teen. Hanging out with my friend a dark skinned Haitian girl. Very sweet, loyal, and the greatest friend someone like me could ever have. Yet black guys would ignore her ….right in front of her for me. Once black guys heard me tell the truth that I was black like them…they would lose total interest.

Honestly I feared the sun….I was afraid that I wouldn’t be beautiful to them. Then I discovered her…:

Next minute I tried to lay in the sun on the beach. I wanted to look just like her. I tried to get darker……..only thing that happened was I ended up in the hospital 4 different times. A girl told she don’t understand. How can I be sun sensitive? My skin would peel, I would get sick, my stomach would blister and I felt dizzy….so out the sun I was again. I try to be careful these days still…or another ER visit. I just can be in the sun for hours.

As I got a little older. In middle school. A biracial girl (white mother and black father) tried to get me to join a club for mix race girls with white mothers. I told her I was black…next min she tried to fight me…including the black girl who was the color of Vanessa Williams. We both were lighter then her. I learned about favoritism black boys had for white girls and in second place mix race girls.

It was ok for the white girl to be her self, be silly, dress non name brand, it was also ok she could be loud, have sex at 16 (like one of my bullies), drink or not drink, curse or not…she could be anything she dreamed of being.

When our boys/men told us were too loose…even those of us who are virgins are still bitches and hoes, we were too loud, we were too dark, we wear fake hair or that our hair too nappy, latino girls are spicy we just had too much attitude,  all black girls are fat….then they get fat non black women. When really all these excuses were …we are black. Notice they never talk of traveling to other countries that the majority are black..oh no.

On top of me not having a father, and meeting lots of others with out black fathers both mixed or not, to seeing twice black men high fiving one another just for having a white girl on their arms….not the ideal ones, but….anyway. It was a badge of honor.

Yet…black women (not as greatly in the past, but many still are) are uplifting black men. The creation of youtube is full of black men declaring to the world that their women are inferior (a reflection of themselves) and all other races are perfect each and every way.

Even foreign black men are not the greatest.

It was dark out as I waited for the bus. The bus almost passed me by….I got on and he started with the joke if I wasn’t so dark skinned…. (he was dark skinned) and when he saw me…stop the joke since I don’t fit his racist joke towards his own race.

I think to myself…how could I be with someone ….I don’t feel loved or beautiful with?

At my size and weight that will someday decreased…and someday I’ll get bold and brave and give a guy a chance…..I will be with someone who makes me feel like a cherished woman….not him doing me a favor by being with me.

So instead of this fantasy black love. I’m just seeking love in the future.

All the things I seen and witnessed. Pretty much killed any possible chance I could see myself with a black man. I told a friend of mines that was shocked, but I was being honest. If I got with a black guy and I became a single black mother with kids…it’s best to lock me up in a mental ward because I know I will snap and be gone.  I would pretty much start from when I was molested and be a empty shell. Someone without a voice and trapped within myself. And maybe once again it would take a couple of decades to appear normal on the outside leaving my kids without both parents.

And like people usually do… the same ones pushing for black love…will blame the black woman for not keeping her legs closed, and think she picked a thug, and it’s all her fault and tons of great black men out there…somewhere.

Right now its summer. I would also need a man who wouldn’t mind that my skin may naturally get a little darker sometimes.

72 Percent Of Black Kids Raised By Single Parent, 25% Overall In U.S.

Breaking Point? What’s Up with All These Stories of Black Women Killing Their Children?!

https://us.toluna.com/opinions/900093/just-in-hollywood-alone-70-black-men-rather-be-with-white

http://www.theafrolounge.com/2014/03/24/wow-white-woman-exposes-black-men-that-date-them/

I had been watching videos of pro male vids. Black men say white women are better…then white men come on saying no no white women can be entitled!  And Asian women are better…next min you’ll find a video saying don’t date Asians or other foreign women they are only pretending…then black men come back saying no no, but black women are the worse! Then I saw a comment from a white guy telling a black guy that his comments are racist towards black women and all races of men can stand together stronger against women, but we can’t if all your videos are racist towards just black women…

I’m noticing black women are finding love elsewhere. Focusing on the person then if he is black too. As this is slooooooooooooooooooooooooowly happening.  All of a sudden sloooooooowly some black men are posting how they love black women now on youtube. I couldn’t thumb a video fast enough of a black man who said he thinks black women are beautiful , but he likes asian women. And of course the black women desperate for their own race of men to love them kept saying thank you thank yooooou! Um….he said he wants a Asian women even before he began the rest of his video :/

Thats like a white man saying I think white women are beautiful because my mom is white , BUT before I continue I like Asian girls….but anyway white women are beautiful because_________

No thank you.

I use to be that black girl who smiled all the time. Now I don’t…and I’m part of the black girls don’t smile much. Well when your made to feel ugly by your own men, been through hell, and the only time black men approach me is for sex or/and money…why should I smile? Once I’m thin and no longer in my area then I believe the old me will return fully.

——————————————————————

Think like a man, act like a woman??? No…

I was on the phone with a friend maybe two months ago.

I told her some of us already think like a man….well how a man should be. Other races too, but it’s worse in the black community . Many of the women are mommy and daddy. It’s not normal to play both genders.

*Disclaimer this about the normal white girls. The ones I had hung out with. Not the ones at night in my area with a black dude and both strung on drugs, or ones who date black men (their behavior is…) , yes to white women with their own race or other non black races, and the ones who are thin or want to lose weight (not part of the I want to be fat movement)*

As we were talking we were talking about how lucky white women are. Yet they don’t even know it. We like some others….don’t really understand the fight they have against their men. They want equal pay…but make more then all other races of women, they fought to be able to wear jeans….skirts are cute, they wanted to work just like their men…no one wanted to join us out in the fields..black women been working before it was legal for them to work along side their men like we got to. The whole feminism movement  ……I get the right to vote I guess. Yet we both agreed we rather have white girl problems.

Black feminism feels more like treat us like women, and can we get the same treatment as women as other races? And that were beautiful too.  A man telling me to have babies and to cook/clean sounds like a fantasy (I speak for myself)

As we were talking we recalled a latino teacher we had. Who looked black…and latino at the same time. Forgot where she said shes from. She went on saying how the teacher said in her culture no matter how fat they are they always dress well always! As I sat there letting them know I won’t bother to dress up my fat…its pointless and only increases  attention I get now.

So were on the phone talking and I’m listening  well dressed latino women are. Don’t matter how big.

We were on this subject only because we want to try to be more feminine. All the things we been through, as black women were not in  a culture where our men placed us above everyone else. Even Asian women got to practice being cute and lady like. When we got the motto strong (a manly trait) black woman. Strong this and that.

Then I said you know what……..instead of think like a man which is terrible. Why not think like a white girl?

All of a sudden everything halted.

I don’t know about thinking like them!?

I told her there from a different culture yes, but….

Their culture is not perfect just like everyone else once based as individuals.

White women grow up in a world where they see themselves most of the time, besides their men not degrading them in lyrics about things they were born with racially it tends to be uplifting using the best they can find. The worse they can get is fat shaming. The guy has a thing for red heads…easy dye hair.

Black girls grew up with the likes of Good times and pine sol lady in earlier times. Whites got the Brady Bunch girls and that girl ….whats her name…she played in Grease super thin, with the perfect ending outfit in leather.

Only recently were getting attractive black girls on screen. The girls you wouldn’t mind being compared to. Since we don’t have the society hook up my idea was to act like we do.

We can’t expect to go to a concert and see ourselves as the majority. Justin B. all the way from Canada and in a black R.B style of dance and music  even did a shout out for German girls in his earlier music, and his backup dancers…you guessed it!

I don’t listen to lil Wayne or any other of the likes who promote only other women. Black women need to only listen to others and ignore those who degrade you. And just because your not dark skin doesn’t mean you should support it, also if your dark skin and want to start with the preference speech………it’s not normal for the majority of a race of men to only seek other races based on skin tone and use made up excuses and get everything he don’t want in you in another race.

Nutshell listen to music that either promotes you or is in between. Example Madonna, Britney spears, rock ect….at least their music makes sense they are promoting themselves. Yet you won’t hear Britney Spears for example sang…oh baby oh baby how was I suppose to know…, that your not the right shade yay! Um no.

A ex coworker she was white, and even she admitted that they hate her dyed red hair. She said because she’s white they won’t say anything, but if it was me they would. At least she was honest! And she was right! It will take time for some, but to me as long as it’s done right. I feel its ok we wear any shade of lipstick and any color hair if we want to. Just think if white, Latino, Asian women had to live by our forced on rules?  It’s no fun. When I read some young teens say online I hate being black…I don’t think they mean the race, but the rules we allow and force on each other. Also from outsiders too. It’s much more fun to be white in their eyes because they can change up their color of hair, wear contacts freely with no judgement of self hate (Paris Hilton eyes are brown), they can act like themselves without given the oreo label. Care free blacks so far are blacks with millions who don’t have closed minded people around them. You have to enjoy this life. Not live by others standards.

 

Black girls can’t win here. It’s best to live how you want. I read black men say were loose and having rabbit type of sex. Next min I’m reading were not sexually free like the white girls and white girls do it all. It’s best to leave damaged men alone…

I struggle with this. Due to my religious background, fear of diseases, and not willing to be used for sex because I’m fat….I’ve never done it.  Another part of me was I’m a black girl I’ll prove them wrong!!! I only proved I allowed stereotypes to greatly control me. I think black women can be sexy and hold a degree if they want to. And even not sexy and no degree as well.

Were the only race told to be natural…..and were proud of being natural. No botox as a majority, no going under the knife for us ect. and will lie when a wealthy black person gets something done and looks great…we may lie and say their before was better. If they can afford it white girls will get some work done without the are you self hating, ect. Even Brazilian women enjoying themselves under the knife. A friend of  friend she is white and got a sugar daddy (Yes she is thin) to fund her a boob job. Deep down I wish that was me having someone fund my surgery. Again our men will chase down Kim K who had lots and lots of work done…yet it’s we wear weave. In a nutshell live your life and be free…it’s so hard to do, but slowly it’s possible. Also its ok to be natural and its ok to be unatural. The law s of black women hood truly sucks. I’m shocked were not told to be fully nude yet…it’s coming…

———————————————————

Maybe my ideas are bad, or good. I just think its way better then women thinking like a man.

 

 

The average life/day of a nurse assistant who wants a very different lifestyle. *May offend some, but not intended…warning.

January 10, 2016

 

Like most nurse assistants we call nursing homes the slave plantation. Residents by habit call us nurses. We correct them, but it never sticks. Which makes it appear like a bunch of nurses are doing all this work for you.

The average nursing home is made up of:

1st shift- Four nurses, eight aides 6am-2pm
2nd shift- Four nurses, eight aides 2pm- 10pm
3rd shift- Two nurses, four aides 10pm-6am

The Head nurse is called the D.O.N
Then usually two A.D.O.N (Assistant to D.O.N)

Nurses are made up of LVNs aka the slave masters aka more so the over seers. The nursing station itself is created to watch us from a distance where they don’t have to leave their soft seats.

Nurses tend to be racial wise: Nigerian mainly, Ethiopian, and a few white, and few Black/African American.

Nurse assistants are usually black mainly from other countries, few black/African Americans. And at rare one white girl….who usually quits within months and they too usually view nursing homes as plantations as well.

The average nurse assistant/aide deserves a min. of 15 dollars a hour, but due to people coming from other countries taking the nurse assistant jobs…the pay stays low. The pay can increase, but if your desperate for a job such as me or from the poor part of your country 9 a hour is great! As a new Cna short for nurse assistant. A African lady was happy such as I to land their first cna job. She was making 7.50 at a day care. She was offered 9 a hour and she was very over joyed. Well….3 months later she wanted to return to the day care and said they over work us for this small pay. Sadly her job was filled…and she was stuck slaving away with the rest of us.

Things that you go through as a nurse assistant:
*This is from ALL the nursing homes Iv’e been at.

1) Called blacky or black bitch (If your dark skinned, this happened to some.
2) You may have to work through your 30 min lunch break. No one gets a 15 min break.
3) Residents laughing that you just changed their diaper, but they just wet and poo again
4) Residents slapping you, punching you, spitting at you, or like me kick dropped to the floor by sweet innocent grandpa. None of this gets in the news. Only if they are the victims. Nor will the aide who was punched semi blind by sweet dear ol grandpa she tried to get clean.
5) Nurses pointing to call lights on…they refuse to answer it. LVN nurses are highly lazy and could be why hospitals rather Rns. Sometimes when you answer it you find out they want medicine, then you have to walk alllllllllllllllll the way to nurse to tell him/her so and so wants meds when if they answered the light…
6) Residents are lonely. They push the call light a lot for mino things, to talk, problem is 20 plus residents need actual care.
7) When nurses dont like you they may give residents pills to give them the runs ON PURPOSE. To punish the aide when she/he …mainly the shes. Residents sometimes need help to poo, but sometimes its given out of evil.
8) Lazy aides who hide which leaves all the work to you.
9) Poo due to meds, and other meds, and gross nursing home foods…the poo is so strong and so smelly that my nose and eyes run and had to get out, which made the whole entire halls smell bad.
10) Family wants their mom or dad ect #1 or else……remember you can never get a 15 min break, under paid, on your feet lot, get abuse from residents…who know how to act when family comes….they want their love one number 1 and to pretty much get one on one care…….well its us vs 20 plus residents who have love ones who want their love ones number one.
11) No matter how young or old you are, you will feel pain. You have to lift heavy large and tall people, or tall and solid weight people who refuse hoyer lifts. Your on your feet a lot.
12) Family members don’t want to touch your hand because they saw you clean their love ones back side caked with poo….the places your hands go. Soaking hands in bleach after work doesn’t take the feeling away.
13) Again very lazy lvn/lpn nurses who people view as heros of the medical word (eye roll) nurses rather look for a already busy aide for 10 min then to change so and so. ALL nurses are trained in nurse assistant skills before becoming Nurses, but they are too good to do it.

HOW TO KNOW A NURSING HOME IS HALF WAY DECENT:

1) The D.O.N and A.D.O.N wears scrubs DAILY like its nurses and aides. Anyway who is a nurse who wears regular clothes is a sign of laziness. They plan on looking good, but not working hands on if needed.

2) Living assistant homes are the greatest. The labor is normal, aides barely quit because the work load…is human. Not where they have to decide on a lunch break or being behind.

3) Ask if the nurses change diapers too. If they say we have aides..RUN. Iv’e seen nurses on allllllllllllll shifts manage to find time to sit, talk on their phones you know no hands needed, talk to each other, and get more sit time when they chart (cnas tend to have to stand and chart…hmmm)
And sometimes nurses do stay late anyway…won’t hurt if they helped their aides. Nurse aides are to assistant not slave and do all.

4)See if you can find a honest aide. Some nurses take lazy to a new level. They have the aides give the meds and try to get us to work with the ostomy bag and oxygen tanks when were not suppose to. Aides would be honest, but many fear you will say so and so….we have bills.

5)They want your money. They want it badly. Ask the pay of nurse assistants. If they give a range (which is usually a lie) ask to speak to three random aides and ask of their pay. The lowest a aide should make is 12 a hour…if she/he says 12 ask how long they’ve worked here. If over 2 years leave! Usually cnas sadly get 10 or 10 sometimes and at rare 11. A low paying aide means they have two or three cna jobs on the side….do you want a aide who cares for your love one tired and worn out? I seen med aides and nurse aides come to work with red eyes from their other job….

—————————————————————-

After being kicked dropped, slapped, a resident tried to touch me after putting her hands in her mouth. I just want out. I applied at in and out burger on Friday aka 1/8/16. They said if I pass interview part one with him I will get a call between then or today sunday………..no call yet 😦
And at this hour of 7:40pm I doubt I passed.
I wish I could make fries and burgers for a decent wage and continue my education.
Cleaning poo and pee, being yelled at by upper staff…is very fat friendly. All the in and out employees were diverse. BUT everyone was skinny and the men fit or very close to fit. The women were super skinny to the fattest employee looked like a size 12, but all the others a size 4-6.  At least I went I thought….maybe fat people deserve a check until they can become skinny to get hired at decent places. In and out burger don’t mind fat customers at least…

———————————————

I live alone, my rent increase…..Im finally a sophomore in college after I pass ONE class.  But since I been thinking of going PRN at the nursing home aka work when they have the hours and if I agree to work it vs be on their full time schedule and dealing with mess …full time. Its a risk because my bills are full time not part time. About four-five times almost risk losing my place. I need to look for a different job, but can’t handle where Im at and all the write ups I get and abuse from residents I get. I told D.O.N. not to yell at me over the phone and just talk to me like I am talking to her…next min she finds something to write me up about. If PRN I won’t be a regular and on her radar anymore. I been wanting out, but problem is like many other cnas with our experience its rare any one wants to give us a chance. Hospitals like aides with hospital experience. It never ends.

——————————————————–

Right now I struggle financially, I work at a job with no value and no decent pay.  My mind wants a skinny body with dates, outings, shopping for clothes, and being active and looking great even in the worse clothing choices. I want surgery for skin lift, and a lift in the chest area. I want to feel my bones not soft fat everywhere.

Gets ready for another shift full of poo and pee…and hits….

Never wear make up because what my face will be expose to….

2016 has to be my year it has to….

Why did I see this on my dash…Fucking spoilers

 

 

 

Next post I make: So I told my friend instead of think like a man act like a lady. Why not think like a thin white girl and act like a lady instead?

Didn’t go well, but hear me out on why! On next post.

Trust me I watch my surroundings reason why this blog will someday will be taken down…

Bye Bye…

Off to work…does deep breath…

What happened to me….

November 17, 2015

I have gotten worse. I look in the mirror and see that everything I have become…is everything I didn’t want to be. I’m going to be real honest here. Very honest. Hopefully I don’t offend anyone, but I speak in terms of me.

I been looking in the mirror a ugly sight. The only thing I’m missing is some church clothes and several middle aged church going women all ranging from average size, fat, fatter, and fattest. My face more rounder, my eyes, nose, and lips sit on my face. Some days I want to cry other days just scream. Trapped in this fat black girls body. Growing up being a kid there were fat people of all races and gender, but being black…

I paid close attention at family members fat friends. The average sized to thin ones were not on my radar. Just the large ones and how deep they seem with religion, lack a decent guy, struggled, and all this I’m becoming and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I been on youtube  and slowly uploading my process on water fasting.

 

Life is not worth living if I’m not thin.

 

 

 

 

Is it because I’m black and fat that……

May 12, 2015

I never forgot about four years ago having my first roommate a African guy.. a guy (big mistake, but you learn. He admitted to me that he thought I would be one of those very religious black girls who could also sing. Made me think recently of a old show where you stand in a room as strangers judge you based on your race,size, clothes,height,gender,ect. I’m curious how people really see me sometimes, but some don’t want to hurt feelings and become PC. Which is fine and expected, but if given permission I want the truth! Fat or thin I understand I can’t escape stereotypes that don’t apply to me.

If I had the body like the above would you think I was greatly deep in church and took over a solo and sing it up like ms. Franklin? To big mama, Norbit, and Madea,Nutty professor of black men cross dressing acting loud,ugly,praise the lord Jesus,asexual, of the ideal black woman many seem to enjoy seeing….those of us who are fat and black get these things tagged on us before anyone gets to know us/me. Even family guy show cases black women as fat and dumb in short mini clips.

Only recently are we seeing shows such as scandal with Kerry. A beautiful, successful black woman who is having a sinful affair with the president. I never saw one show, but Kerry is not fat and is in the media. Then how to get away with murder..saw a few shows and stopped. No offense 1 gay sex scene was ok, then 2….then 3, and Im thinking when will a black woman the main star of this show get to have some fun? So I stopped. She is a middle aged, average size black woman with a lot going on. She is not obese and thats all that matters. Then that Empire show. Never saw it due to hearing about the colorism in it. Cookie is not fat based on the ads. Its a start and a breath of fresh air away from the pine sol or bigger type ladies who make everyone around them appear better in looks.

I also feel when smaller you get a better choice of friends. All sizes get their fair share of bad friends, but I feel I attract the total opposite. Some things we all share such as a better life. I ignored one for a week hoping nicely she simply go away. I got text messages and I responded (I felt kinda bad) and back to knowing someone who says N..ga as a good word and is a woman too. Everyone knows I’m against such words. I was called a N…ga in the heat of her happiness as she saw me working with the computer saying in the nutshell that I’m smart….I’m thinking do we have to use the N word :/

I can’t wait to return to my state next year…and leave some behind making them fade away in a past memory. Sadly yes they want to move with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meaning pack up everything and join me in another state even though we won’t live together. I pictured my self all thin, in a two piece swim suit, playing and being all sexy like in the sand, my cute and very faithful yet hot husband comes near with our kids and this fantasy is ruined by girlfriends coming out of nowhere saying look at my n…ga!

Im slow….because I don’t like to react fast. When someone upsets me I don’t like to tell people off asap…I know what going on. My nice trait kicks in first and if it continues…days later and then it all builds up then I get angry which either have me calling 911 or reporting you to the manager. I don’ believe in fighting really and I was thought of as slow by the same two making plans to move to my state with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup lets follow the slow one to a whole new state, the one who didn’t have any kids out of wedlock without a ring or at least not with someone very broke…yup Im the slow one.

I also still attract white girls who want to be my friend…who are fat to super fat, very rare skinny. They call their men ni…gas (yes black men), who struggle and tell me all their woes of their men problems. From his drinking, to he don’t want to work, and how he does this and that, but hey he has a big D (even without warning still get shown the D from their phones or hinted about).

I’m like if I was a skinny black girl would I attract this? I mean like would I at least have a choice like thin girls get in the dating market? You know normal friends with cute flaws or oh no so and so over spent again, but at the end of the day things are cool?

My fantasy friends are any race, no N words, its ok if shes fat or thin,but just a decent person. No one is perfect and even I have flaws. It was so nice when I was doing great in the weight loss world….omg.

I started attracting girls who were normal. White girls who exercised and were concerned of their image to the plus size white girl who wanted to lose weight as she claims for her health yet randomly mentioned wanting a boyfriend. To the thin black girl who invited me to her outing with other co-workers, she had the cutest, edgy afro, dressed always edgy rock clothes and was pretty popular, to slowly getting more invites to places I never thought of. Then there was another black girl who was like a size 2 talked to me. My weight loss was opening doors people.

Now fat me just gets invited to fast foods, cheap restaurants on the rare, school tours as a support to who ever I’m going with…………zzzzzzz.

As of now weight loss is a every day battle. I’ve been doing good lately and sadly by now if I stayed on track I would of reached goal by now. Slowly its coming off, but I have to hurry time is ticking!